Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Radical Astrological Liberation Front (RALF) Guide To Uranus Through The Houses

Today is the day that the Radical Astrological Liberation Front (RALF) has declared to be International All Hell Breaks Loose Day. Your orders are to resist assimilation by society and your social circle by using the power of Uranus, the Rebel Planet, to assert your individuality. As a matter of fact, you were probably already doing this without realizing it. Just make a particular point of it today. You assignment is based on which house of your birth chart Uranus is in. Here are your orders:


Uranus in the First House: Don't do the same thing twice. Talk under your breath about what the voices are telling you in the elevator. Wear that novelty necktie that looks like a salmon to your big interview at the funeral home.

Uranus in the Second House: Spend your savings on a complete vintage My Little Pony collection, then re-list it on eBay under "Sporting Equipment." Complain when you don't turn a profit. Take investment advice from the neighbor's dog.

Uranus in the Third House: Write or say something on the Internet/in public involving a startling turn of phrase, like "yowling for dick in the men's room like an unfixed gay tomcat." Replace words in the latest hit single with names of dog breeds. "I'm bringin' Shih-Tzu back..."

Uranus in the Fourth House: Go home and start putting solar panels on the roof. Spray-paint the cat. Nail the furniture to the ceiling. Tomorrow: move into someone else's house and repeat until evicted.

Uranus in the Fifth House: Start dating someone from another planet. Enter a clog-dancing contest, and complain loudly when you're disqualified for wearing Crocs. Tattoo your kids with their birth certificate numbers "for identification purposes."

Uranus in the Sixth House: Announce at work that the reason the computers are always down is that no one has taught them Swedish. Then learn Swedish and try talking to your computer. Decorate the balance sheet with macaroni and silver sprinkles.

Uranus in the Seventh House: Start talking to someone new on an Internet dating site, preferably from another country. Immediately propose divorce, followed by babies, then (finally) marriage. Repeat until you have a badly-confused harem.

Uranus in the Eighth House: Take nude pictures of your loved one asleep, wearing a latex glove on his/her head. Run an adult personals ad on the Internet under the heading "I like it when you watch." Invite a few people over to watch. Take more pictures.

Uranus in the Ninth House: Attend church. Loudly announce during prayer that the is only One True God, and his name is Zeppo Marx. Send around a competing collection tray with your name on it made from a Frisbee wrapped in tinfoil.

Uranus in the Tenth House: Quit your job. Threaten your boss. Beg for your job back at reduced pay. Phone in a bomb threat when you want to go home. Go to the local college and demand you be hired as their Professor Of Sitcomology.

Uranus in the Eleventh House: Make friends with someone who has Uranus in the First House. Repeat all of his/her mutterings in a high-pitched squeaky voice until your new friend gets annoyed. Get drunk and pass out together in a Wal-Mart parking lot.

Uranus in the Twelfth House: You get today off. You already probably spend a lot of energy hiding your Uranian qualities, which is probably a good thing, given what a nut job most people think you are. Blame all your problems on The Reptoids.


1 comment:

Melody said...

Hilarious as usual, although my 6th house Uranus blames computer breakdowns on the vicinity of my energy, and I wish I had Uranus in either thee 12th or 5th since I love to blame everything on reptilians and always fantasized about a confused harem....