Monday, October 22, 2007

CSI: Romance - The Scorpio Guide To Compatibility

There's a mystery to be uncovered here. A blow to the heart... an intense, passionate experience causing shortness of breath, rapid irregular heartbeat, and a flood of endorphins throughout the nervous system, clouding judgement. Although it's enticing, you can sense the ever-present spectre of danger... and that only increases your curiosity.

Congratulations! You're a Scorpio in a relationship! Here's what you can expect...

Scene: The Las Vegas Coroner's Autopsy Room. Chief Investigator Gil Grissom and coroner Dr. Al Robbins stand over the badly-mangled body of an adult male.

DOC: Victim was a white male, approximately 35 years old, name unknown. A Scorpio.

GRISSOM: How can you tell?

DOC: We found this medallion on the victim. Also, this scorpion tattoo. Scorpios love that stuff. There's little sign of struggle... we can presume the victim knew his assailant. Probably someone he was in a relationship with.

GRISSOM: A Taurus?

AL: That's a common guess... but notice the large chest wound. Tauruses are steady and sensual, which would explain the relationship, but their killing technique is usually through stubbornness... refusal to budge.

GRISSOM: Another Water Sign, maybe?

AL: Good possibility of it. They have the emotional depth a Scorpio is looking for. But I'd expect the body to be more weighed down with the assailant's emotional baggage if it was a Cancer, and there's no mawkish sentiment filling the lungs, so it wasn't the usual Pisces drowning.

GRISSOM: It could have been a Capricorn.

AL: Yes. Scorpio's seem to find them sexy, but there's limited bruising here. Capricorn usually kill their partners by battering them to death with their inflexibility. Like Taurus, only edgier.

GRISSOM: An Aries, maybe? They're both Mars-ruled, they both love excitement...

AL: And Aries doesn't usually have the patience for Scorpio's caution and analysis. Although admittedly the passion and potential violence of Aries and Scorpio together is noteworthy.

GRISSOM: It could have been another Scorpio.

AL: I doubt it. They cling on to each other passionately enough, but Scorpios usually bury their flaws... and their victims... deep enough for no one to find them until it's too late. This guy was found on his couch. Notice the tissue under the victims fingernails: it matches the scarring around the ears. It's self-inflicted.

GRISSOM: Like he was trying to claw out his own eardrums. Maybe a Gemini or a Virgo, then. Scorpio's love watching the thought processes those two have, until the talking has gone on too long.

AL: Good point. But I'm not sure a relationship with a Gemini would have the depth our vic was looking for, and the vic's eardrums aren't swollen from the debating. I did a swab of the genitals... no recent sign of sexual activity. Scorpios usually go ape for Virgos that way. Death by nagging is the Virgo style, though.

GRISSOM: Sagittarius? Libra?

AL: They both have their charms, but I'm not sure either one has the depth Scorpio is looking for. At least they don't usually act like it enough to Scorpio's liking. No glucose poisoning, which is Libra's usual m.o., and no hoof marks from a Sagittarius stampeding away, which they usually do quickly.

GRISSOM: I suppose the logical place to look then would be with Scorpio's least compatible signs... Leo and Aquarius.

AL: Aquarius is usually too hard to pin down for a Scorpio... which can be intriguing, but Aquariuses don't usually kill off their victims so dramatically. They prefer to remove their partners through diffusion in abstract thought processes. A Leo certainly has the passion a Scorpio wants, but the Leo usually kills via self-importance and/or pomposity. I dusted for pomposity... none present.

(CSI agent SARAH SIDLE enters, waving a note)

SARAH: Gris, we found this note at the crime scene!

GRIS: You mean...?

SARAH: He did it to himself!

GRIS: We usually do, Sarah. We usually do.




Pat Paquette said...

Definitely couldn't have been the Aquarius. In a fight to the finish, Scorpio knows how to inflict fatal wounds so swiftly and precisely that Aquarius doesn't even feel it until she's close to bleeding to death, by which time Scorpio is long gone.

(Last one had Sun, Moon, Mars, and Neptune in Scorpio, with Venus and Mercury at 27 Libra. Neith probably would have advised me to quit my job, change my name, and move to another country.)

Neith said...

Ha, Ha, Ha!!! Matthew, you are spot on as usual . . . Scorpio is the BEST at doing themselves in!! Usually after one of those moments when they turn that last mental rock and see themselves crawling out from under it . . . :-)

You are an inspiration to us all!! Keep writing and we keep laughing our heads off!! :-D

Phelony Jones said...

Hi Matthew, I must share the following instant message session re: pluto:

PJ: it must be the crackers
PJ: or pluto conjoining the galactic core. one of the two
DC: I'm going to go with the crackers
DC: Pluto is just bitter, and therefore not dependable
PJ: oh, because of the whole "guess-what-you're-not-a-planet-anymore" thing?
DC: No. It's becaue of Goofy being Mickey's friend and Pluto being his pet!
PJ: but that pluto was always pretty nice and begnign. the real pluto is a son-of-a
DC: Which is another topic entirely
PJ: it's what makes scorpios so evil
DC: And why I'm working on a rocket to take care of it once and for all!
PJ: lmao@!!!!!!!!
DC: Seriously...
DC: ...this will put an end to all this

casey said...

hee, as usual. Except I object to the mawkish sentiment of Pisces. I'm really a very unsentimental person.

Can't wait till you get to Pisces.

Victoria said...

Pat Paquette, you've got it going on ;)

and RE: "Love Stinks" that cute video

oh yes, and how!

like blue cheese baby, the best and the worst stuff you can buy