Thursday, November 1, 2007

Goldilocks And The Twelve Signs: The Pisces Guide To Compatibility


Once upon a time Goldilocks went to Speed Dating, sponsored by the National Oat Growers Association... so naturally porridge was involved. She sat down at the big, long table and prepared to receive her potential suitors.

Before anyone else had a chance to sit down, Aries zipped in and filled the chair in front of her. "Hey baby," Aries said, "try mine first!" Goldilocks tried his porridge. It intrigued her, but the flavor impulsively faded before she could really get into it. So she decided to wait for the next suitor.

Taurus came next. His porridge was smooth and comforting and sensual, and she really liked it. But then Taurus criticized her spoon technique, calling it ungrounded. This miffed Goldilocks to no end, especially when Taurus called her "ungrounded."

Then Gemini sat down. Gemini's porridge was full of interesting flavor combinations, any one of which would have been fine on it's own, but the saffron and marjoram covered up the comfort and warmth she was really seeking.

Cancer offered his bowl next. Goldilocks was intrigued by the depth of feeling Cancer put into his offering. The conversation went well, and Goldilocks suggested they meet again, But Cancer became too defensive and scurried off.

Leo came next. His bowl was hot and shiny and flavorful... as appealing as Cancer's, but more adventurous. But then Leo started telling her in detail how she was enjoying the wrong flavors, and how she didn't appreciate his technique, and moved on, flipping his hair as he left.

Virgo sat down and offered his porridge. It was delicious. "Why do you think so?" Virgo asked. Then Virgo asked what basis for comparison Goldilocks had, her experience with porridge, and the exact mileage to her home. Goldilocks felt interrogated and over-analyzed, so she ran out the clock with Virgo by discussing her health issues.

Libra sat down and handed over his porridge. It was smooth and sweet and Pisces really enjoyed it. Then Libra began to question why Goldilocks thought so, and why Goldilocks picked that outfit to wear today, then accused Goldilocks of being evasive when she couldn't answer the questions adequately.

Scorpio came next and offered his bowl. It was intense and affectionate and exactly what Goldilocks was looking for. Everything was going great until Goldilocks accidentally called Scorpio "Cancer." Scorpio sat up straight and spent the remainder of his time berating Pisces for being unfaithful, and criticizing Goldilocks' taste in foot wear.

Sagittarius came next. His porridge was warm and exciting, with an adventurous dash of curry. Once she finished, Goldilocks looked up from her bowl to ask for more, only to discover that Sagittarius had wandered off into the wine tasting next door, and was hitting on an ad executive from Cleveland.

Capricorn sat down and Goldilocks tried his porridge next. It was hearty and filling and good. Goldilocks asked Capricorn if she could see him again. By the time Capricorn finished delineating the cost of his porridge's ingredients, the time involved to make it, and how his portfolio was performing, Goldilocks had lost interest and felt a little sad.

Aquarius sat down and offered his bowl of porridge. His bowl was interesting and unique, and Goldilocks found it intriguing. Unfortunately, Aquarius didn't provide a spoon, so Goldilocks was unable to get into it in any real depth. The surface looked interesting, though. They spent the rest of their time staring at each other and then out the window.

Finally, Pisces sat down. Goldilocks was a Pisces too. This naturally started up a long conversation about their childhood dreams, last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy, and where the best place to get married would be. Unfortunately, when it came to setting up a second date, Pisces was just as scattered as Goldilocks, and nothing came of it.

Goldilocks stared out the window sadly. It had started to rain. Maybe she should just give up on the whole idea of ever finding someone whose porridge gave her the combination of strength, sensitivity, and romance that she was hungry for.

Just as she got up to leave, Aries zipped in and filled the chair in front of her. "Hey baby," Aries said...

11 comments:

Neith said...

Matthew, these just keep getting better and better!!! Now if I can stop laughing long enough to type . . . LOL!!! :-D

Matthew The Astrologer said...

Sure, you tell me that NOW just as I run out of signs to pick on... :)

Jeffrey Kishner said...

Hey, can't Pisces be happy with somebody?

Matthew The Astrologer said...

Good God, Jeffrey... can anyone? ;)

(Other than you that is. Congratulations...)

pastlifecarthief said...

I linked this on my website, I hope you don't mind. Thanks for the laugh (and the dose of reality) :)

crack addicted unicorn said...

i really liked this post. obviously it wasn't an in-depth analysis (i don't think it could be as zippy and charming were it an in depth analysis), but on the whole it was well done. it would have been nice to see what both signs thought of each other, and you were a bit biased with some signs (ie. while Libra would have obvious problems with Pisces, ultimately Pisces would find Libras to superficial/appearance concerned and find it hard to make a solid spiritual/emotional connection). but then again, it'd take forever to actually do that.

i loved the whole ending where gets nostalgic and pensive and a little sad - pretty my standard reaction to disappointment/a bad day/the ending of a relationship

funny.

crack addicted unicorn said...

oh yea i'm also a pisces

pisces sun + veus + ascendant
taurus moon
aquarius mercury
gemini mars

NR said...

I read this once before. But I spotted this just now:

"Sagittarius came next. His porridge was warm and exciting, with an adventurous dash of curry."

Deft touch :)

Lisa said...

I love those fire signs! "get in line" :)

justin said...

I'm a Pisces and usually very optimistic but this was really depressing. I believe in compromise to make any relationship work, but your conclusion of futility are heartily discouraging. And I didn't miss the ellipsis in the end with Aries. That is not a positive. I am not a flake. And I don't think all adult Pisces are. I in my adolescence, I was a cameleon, but through the school of pain I grew to become a logical analytical and have balanced in me, the best I can, the emphatic meta-morph I CAN be and who I really am. And since I have some to believe that I could fit with anyone, if they would simply love me back. I met a cancer that I fell head over heals for but you were right, I scared her away. And it's one of the things that drew me to your blog. To find out where my best chances lay with any of the 12 with the least percentage of foreseeable complications. Do you have any more precise breakdown than the comedy you have presented here? I sincerely desire your input.

Thank you,

Jg

Matthew The Astrologer said...

Justin: Don't get me wrong... I'm equally cynical/optimistic about any relationship between any two "signs." There are of course, far more precise breakdowns that are available... through an astrologer, using your whole birth chart. Contact me for more if you'd like...