Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Mercury Retrograde Festival (Day Twelve): Michelangelo And The Case Of The Undersized Penis

Mercury Retrograde is notorious for all sorts of miscommunication and misunderstandings. We're familiar with people misspeaking when they are angry or upset. Sometimes we mishear, for various reasons, what others say. Things can be taken out of context. And then there's always the bloggers favorite form of miscommunication... the typo.

Of course there are lots of ways to communicate. Art is a form of communication. And, as it turns out, one of the world's most famous works of art has been fundamentally misunderstood for the last five centuries. Since Michelangelo's sculpture of David, a marble wonder of anatomy, was completed in 1504, it has moved and inspired people with its profound emotional understatement and presence. In many ways, it approaches true perfection. And yet, for all the work Michelangelo put into it, perhaps its most famous feature is its... um, shortcoming:

David hasn't got a very heroic penis.

David's package has been the subject of snickers for centuries. Why is the physically perfect David lacking in the John Thomas department?

It turns out that the answer was dangling in front of everyones faces the whole time. The long and the short of it is this: there nothing wrong with the size of this sculpture's drumstick.. It is in fact as uncannily accurate as the rest of it's anatomy. To explain...

Two physiologists have performed a detailed computerized study (no word on whether or not the computer in question was a Wang) and it turns out that David is a remarkably perfect specimen. Not just his body, mind you... but his character as well. His stance, and the way his muscles are tensed, are perfect for someone who is ready for battle, and yet is attempting to keep it together. 

Given the perspective most viewers view the sculpture at, it's natural that whatever size David's old boy is, it's going to appear foreshortened from ground level. Now, if you were a little over five meters tall, and were able to look David in the eye, you would see, quite clearly, that David is worried:

Heroic, but worried. After all, he's about to do battle with the enormous and terrifying Goliath. And... if you are the owner of a penis yourself, or have spent a great deal of time around them, you know that it changes size. Regularly. And being tense or afraid makes even a non-erect longfellow reduce to a haiku, relative to its full form. This makes perfect evolutionary sense. If you are confronted with a predatory, the last thing you want to do is waste precious circulation on a reproductive organ, And you don't want to offer up a bonus  hors d'oeuvre to that predator either. Other things, like being cold, can cause temporary penile shrinkage too.

(Believe me, I know. I have one, and I've experienced fear. In Canada. In the winter.)

Had we met David under, um, different circumstances, David's dong would be much more impressive... perhaps not a Goliath itself, but certainly not a piker. So, in fact, David is amazingly accurate, not just in form but in character as well. Michelangelo captured him in a Moment Of Truth... and we do not always look our best when Moments Of Truth hit. And yet it took five centuries, two scientists, laser measurements, and a computer to uncover what should have been fairly obvious to everyone.

Miscommunication isn't something reserved for an exclusive, members-only club. Any Tom, Dick, or Harry can get things wrong once in a while. So, when that sort of thing happens to you... don't be a stiff about it it. Relax, use your head, and don't be a wiener about things. 

So: now that we've cleared that up... here's the real unresolved manhood mystery posed by this masterpiece: why isn't David, future King of the Jews, circumsized?


Matthew The Astrologer said...

Next Mercury Retrograde: August 20th. The first episode of "Conquer The Universe With Astrology: The Radio Show": August 19th.

Whew. :)

Stay tuned to this blog for further details!

Matthew The Astrologer said...

NOTE: I won't be previewing my Astrologydating.com blog entries here from now on. Better get over there and subscribe to the RSS feed before you miss anything!