Showing posts with label commentary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label commentary. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

"In The Stars": New Astrology (And Maybe Your Soul Mate) For Free!

Hi again everyone. Just dropping by to update you on things....

First of all, "Conquer The Universe With Astrology" will be back on Blogtalkradio in future... but not until I've revealed The Next Big Thing. All I'm saying right now is that it's Big, it's Next, and it'll be worth the wait. In the meantime, there's probably plenty you missed, so click here and have a listen!

Second: Looking for my new stuff? It's all in Astrologydating.com's brand new weekly newsletter, "In The Stars." Click here to sign up absolutely free! 

THIS WEEK: 

The Moon's Nodes And Your Karmic Loop

The June 19th New Moon: This Moon, It's Personal

The Weekend Romance Forecast

And hey... have a look at the rest of the site too. Your soul mate may be kicking around in the back there, somewhere...

Finally: Do I still send out Free Stuff to anyone who e-mails me? Write me and find out!

And now, here's Whiplash The Cowboy Monkey. I promise you... he's not a member of Astrologydating.com.


Thursday, February 17, 2011

Your Guide To Conquering The Universe: Part II

Thanks to my show, "Conquer The Universe With Astrology," a lot of new people are coming to this blog... and I'm grateful for every last one of you. But if you've come here lately, all you've seen basically are the promos for my shows, and you probably haven't had a dig through my vast back catalog of useful and amusing blog entries. My Compatibility Guides and videos included!

So: if you want to learn, you want to laugh, understand, seduce or just appreciate someone else (or yourself)... here's my stuff, by sign... click, read, and enjoy

Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces!

If you liked any or all of the above... there's more to come in the future! Please feel free to drop by and visit my Donations Page. It's what keeps me going and, and you might just get a surprise...

And yes, I still send free stuff to everyone who writes me!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Papers Please: Saturn Is Detained At The Virgo-Libra Border

(My usual stuff is HERE at Astrologydating.com, and you can write me HERE for details on a reading, and free stuff!)



(SCENE: A small customs office at the Virgo-Libra border. Outside, on the Virgo side of the border, a small crowd is gathered, cheering and waving banners that say things like "Good Riddance!" and "See you in 28 Years!" On the Libra side of the border, a few somberly-dressed tour guides quietly await their new client. Inside the Custom's Office, SATURN sits patiently in his long black robe at a desk while a LIBRA security guard examines SATURN'S papers.)

LIBRA: Business, or pleasure?

SATURN: Pleasure. (pauses) Just kidding.

LIBRA: Okay, everything looks in order here. You have baggage?

SATURN: (Lifts an improbably large suitcase) Just this one bag.

LIBRA: All right. The dogs didn't smell any controlled substances (raises his rubber stamp above SATURN'S passport) so you're all clear to --

(Suddenly, the door behind the guard bursts open, and MEL GIBSON bursts into the room)

MEL GIBSON: (Shouting) Stop that motherBLEEPing planet!! (His speech throughout is interrupted by a "bleeping" sound that seems to appear out of nowhere)

LIBRA: (Startled) What are you doing here? You aren't even a Libra!

MEL GIBSON: This BLEEPer has been BLEEPing with me for too BLEEPing long! (MEL GIBSON pulls a semiautomatic pistol out of his jacket and unloads the entire clip into SATURN'S chest. LIBRA ducks under the table.) Die you BLEEPing piece of BLEEP!

SATURN: (Completely unimpressed) Yeah, like that was going to do you any good.

MEL GIBSON: BLEEP! BLEEP! I hate you motherBLEEPer! I don't deserve the BLEEP you've BLEEPing given me! My Moon is at zero BLEEPing degrees Libra and it's ruining my BLEEPing personal and professional life!

SATURN: (Calmly explaining to LIBRA, who is still under the table) Mr. Gibson is clearly displeased with the nature of my work. You see, it's my job to --

MEL GIBSON: It should be your job to shut the BLEEP up and go BLEEP yourself! I hate you! You hear me? You do NOTHING for me!

SATURN: Actually, in the long run, I do plenty for you. You see, as a person goes through their life they do various things that could be considered "right" or "wrong," both in a practical and a larger, spiritual sense. I'm just here to provide --

(Several security guards enter the room and drag MEL GIBSON away)

MEL GIBSON: I hope you get gangBLEEPed by a bunch of BLEEPs until your BLEEP falls off, you BLEEPing -- (the guards drag MEL away and the door closes.)

LIBRA: (After a long pause) So, um... what's in the suitcase?

SATURN: (Patting the suitcase affectionately) Karma. Lots and lots of Karma.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A Note On The Upcoming Eclipse, Delivered By Vuvuzela

Another brief break from my usual blog at The World's Mightiest Astrology Dating Site today, to deliver a personal message about the effects of the upcoming eclipse on June 26th.

If you are familiar with the effects of a regular Full Moon on your birth chart, you know that you should look at your chart to see what houses the transiting Sun and Moon fall in at the time of the Full Moon. Then you pay attention to those department of your life in the upcoming couple of weeks or so. It's a little reminder about those things, kind of like this:


That's exactly how you should look at the upcoming eclipse. Nothing to worry about, right? Except of course, it's not a friendly little honking noise like a kid riding his bike on the street.
...It's more like that. So, you see, as long as all the other transits and progressions you're having are peaceful and harmonious, there's absolutely no reason to --

...worry about the dramatic long-term effects of something as mundane as an eclipse. So please, people, let's not over-react to --
...anything difficult happening in your life right now, because honestly, an eclipse isn't all THAT big a deal, and I'm not the least bit concerned about --
---things. I really hate the thought of anyone over-reacting to something as simple as a little old eclipse, even if Pluto, Uranus, and Jupiter are all heavily involved.
Okay, on second thought... maybe this eclipse is kinda significant.

***

UPDATE: I am still doing personal consultations. Write me for details, and don't forget to ask about my blog-readers --



Monday, June 21, 2010

Transits: Enough Rope

Today: a break from my usual blogging at Astrologydating.com for a more personal take on how transits work:

Off and on since late 2009 (and mostly on), transiting Saturn in Virgo has been squaring my natal Jupiter, and for most of that time, Uranus has been opposing that Saturn, and (in turn) squaring my natal Jupiter from the other side of the sky. This has all made for a lot of ups and downs in my personal fortunes and my general satisfaction levels with life, and if you've been reading this blog for a while, you know I've griped about Saturn in Virgo transits before

Because of retrogrades, a lot of transits come in three parts: transit, retrograde back, then the transiting planet goes forward and does it for a third and final time. With a difficult transit, it's a little like being hit by a truck, then the truck backs over you, then the truck takes off and runs you over again while it drives away. And admittedly, that's what my Saturn situation has felt like.

Yesterday the final peak of the Saturn transit passed the point where it squared my Jupiter for the last time. It was a day of significant mixed feelings for me. I usually advice my clients to review what happened in their lives when they reach this point in a troublesome outer-planet transit. So I spent a good couple of hours yesterday, looking at the results of the last year and a half or so had gotten me in my life.

Part of me was pleased that I had played the karmic hand I had been dealt as well as I have. And, after all, I'm still alive... and how can you complain about that? 

On the other hand... part of me kept hearing David Byrne, from about the 2:30 mark of "Once In A Lifetime," saying "my God, what have I done?" over and over again...


The lesson is this: Life always give you enough rope to hang on to, and enough to hang yourself with. The choice is yours.

My new stuff usually appears HERE, and if you're looking for a consultation (big discounts in effect NOW!) or further info on my books, you can contact me HERE.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Mars In Virgo: Let's Trim Our Hair In Accordance With The Socialist Lifestyle!

We create our own dramas for our own amusement, and frequently participate in the dramas of others for the same reason. This is one of the reasons why television is so popular. It's that time of year where many TV series are winding up, and this can leave people a little restless, having to wait months to find out what their favorite characters will do next. It's enough to make a person want to create a little drama in their own story lines to fill in the gap.
Astrologically, Mars is often the source of interpersonal drama, and Mars is in Virgo now (where it will remain until the end of July). This placement is exacting, precise, and (when it knows what it wants) is not afraid to use tactics like pickiness, nagging, and sharp words to get its way, even when it isn't being direct and exact as to what its actual needs are. That's the tone Mars is bringing to many interpersonal squabbles of late.

Mars In Virgo: Let's Trim Our Hair In Accordance With The Socialist Lifestyle!

We create our own dramas for our own amusement, and frequently participate in the dramas of others for the same reason. This is one of the reasons why television is so popular. It's that time of year where many TV series are winding up, and this can leave people a little restless, having to wait months to find out what their favorite characters will do next. It's enough to make a person want to create a little drama in their own story lines to fill in the gap.
Astrologically, Mars is often the source of interpersonal drama, and Mars is in Virgo now (where it will remain until the end of July). This placement is exacting, precise, and (when it knows what it wants) is not afraid to use tactics like pickiness, nagging, and sharp words to get its way, even when it isn't being direct and exact as to what its actual needs are. That's the tone Mars is bringing to many interpersonal squabbles of late.


Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Uranus In Aries: The First Day Of School For Humanity

Here I was... all ready to tell you about my current special deal on readings... discounts, free stuff, and more... when the larger implications of all my recent astrological research fell into place with a dramatic thump.

Every once in a while, you've got to go out on a limb... astrologers included. I normally don't predict anything specific for anyone in the course of a consultation unless I have plenty of reason to back up what I'm saying. As a result, thankfully, I'm usually right, even about the crazier, less-easily-predicted things that come up. 

Having said that... here's me, out on a very big limb.

I think I've figured out what the Big Message will be with Uranus in Aries, combined with Pluto in Capricorn. It seems to me that when you put the two together... the undeniable transformation of how we view our material world and surroundings that will come with Pluto in Capricorn,. combined with the "what about me?" rebelliousness of Uranus in Aries.. we're going to be getting one undeniably huge result. And I think I've figured out exactly what form that will take.

It may be hidden away in the red, surprisingly damp soil of an otherwise dead-looking desert millions of miles away from us. It may make its voice known in a faint radio signal. Or it may be something even more dramatic... but one way or another, before Uranus leaves Aries in March, 2019, I believe we're going to discover something that may have been shouting at us from the sky since long before we had the ears to hear it.

We're all going to be a little less alone, whether that fits comfortably with everyone's world view or not. And how tragically limiting... holding to a single world, or a single world view, when there's just so much of everything out there.

It will be the beginning of humanity really grasping its place in the Universe. And, who knows? It could be the beginning of a fascinating conversation.

"It's the first day of school, fellas..."



Monday, December 14, 2009

What I Do... And What I Don't Do

When I say I'm an astrologer, most people don't really know what the job entails, and that job varies from practitioner to practitioner. Let me tell you what I do.

I am a counselor, much like a regular counselor you'd see if there was a problem with your love life or your finances or your health or family. In many ways, it's exactly that straightforward. Unlike most standard counselors, I don't have to spend weeks or months fishing around for the finer details of your existence. I certainly don't know EVERYTHING from looking at a birth chart, but it saves a tremendous amount of time that way.

With a birth chart in place, we can figure out fairly quickly, and in detail, exactly who you are, where you're at, and where you're headed.

Here is what I DON'T do:

I don't tell you what (if anything) God, the Universe, Karma, or whatever really wants from you, or why. I don't feel it's my place to expound on these things. A doctor can tell you to change your diet or exercise more or whatever... but your doctor certainly shouldn't pass himself off as a divine, all-knowing sage. There are a lot of people in my line of work who come across this way. I'm not comfortable with that. If I was, I'd be a priest or a rabbi or something.

If your sink is clogged, your plumber may advise you to stop pouring bacon fat down the drain. If he spends 45 minutes first telling you about the bad karma you generated during a past life as a pig farmer in Atlantis, does that get the water flowing any faster?

I provide guidance and clarity and a context for life, plus an assessment of where things are going to go... both for yourself and for the others in your life.

Welcome aboard. I hope to see you come back soon. Heck, I might even make it worth your while.

And one more thing: yes, I can see your future too...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Can You Prove That Neptune Isn't A Socialist?


More examples of Neptune-induced cloudiness, deception, and intellectual failure, on the heels of my recent article about Sarah Palin and her ongoing free-fall into intellectual Neverland:

-Former Miss California (and former paragon of "traditional values") Carrie Prejean has recently had a sex tape (admittedly, solo) come to light, pulled an freak-out on Larry King, during a typical King softball interview (make sure you watch the Anderson Cooper clip about it), and then urged her ex-boyfriend to lie in order to back up her story about the sex tape having been made three years before it actually was... not realizing that the one time you can always count on an ex NOT lying about you is when the truth will make you look bad. Please also note the holiday pictures of Carrie and her boyfriend, where I'm sure absolutely no premarital sex happened, whatsoever.

Neptune has been squaring Carrie's Sun at 22 Taurus (and possibly her Moon too -- we don't have a time of birth) throughout her entire career fall. The Sun of course, rules how a person expresses their Ego. Also, her moon is somewhere-or-other in Scorpio, which is a great placement for making a sex tape. Also, for not wanting your sex tape to come up in public. Also, for getting cranky over minor perceived slights.

-In other Neptune news, Glenn Beck has recently recovered from an emergency appendectomy. He also had hemorrhoid surgery at the end of 2007. During this entire period of time, transiting Neptune has been conjunct Beck's natal Sun. This is a vote for Beck having Leo on the sixth house cusp (health matters), which might imply Pisces rising. Personally, I think that's a reasonable guess. Pisces can be frequently moved to tears by works of fiction, like the story about how America is falling to socialism.

Then again, Pisces is normally pretty compassionate, and so far Glenn hasn't apparently said anything about the financial ruin and/or unnecessary death he might well be facing if this had happened while he was one of America's 40 million or so people without medical coverage when this happened, and he continues to bash efforts to extend coverage to such people... so I might be wrong.

-Finally, former Vice President and Sith Lord Dick Cheney is facing questions about his role in the politically-convenient outing of a CIA agent. Transiting Neptune is currently squaring his natal Midheaven (career and public image), and normally Cheney has presented himself as efficient and whip-smart. The recently-declassified FBI document about his questioning in the matter showed that Cheney, uncharacteristically, couldn't recall the answer to a lot of questions. Seventy-two times, he couldn't recall.

My apologies if any of this appears politically partisan on my part. I assure you, it wasn't my idea to put Neptune where it is. Of course... I can't prove that I didn't, either.

***

.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Can Sarah Palin See Neptune From Her House?


Forgive me for a moment if this entry veers too far into political territory for your tastes (or the wrong political territory) -- but Sarah Palin is once more providing an excellent example of how astrological transits (specifically, the ongoing presence of Jupiter and Neptune in Aquarius) can really mess with a person's judgement.

Although we don't know what time Ms. Palin was born at (February 11, 1964, Sandpoint Idaho), it's immediately obvious that what's driving her birth chart is her Sun-Mars-Saturn stellium in Aquarius, clustered between 22 and 25 degrees of that sign. That's where Jupiter has been between April and August 2009, and is within range of there again now.

Jupiter brings a lot of bounce and enthusiasm to whatever part of your birth chart it contacts. In Ms. Palin's case, this applies to her Ego (the Sun), her Drives (Mars), and her sense of Order (Saturn). And certainly, it's been a busy, bouncy, enthusiastic time for her. In May, she signed a book deal for a major advance. Then in June she decided to quit her job as Governor of Alaska with a year and a half to go on the job... which is pretty optimistic of her (optimism is a Jupiter thing too). And overall, she's managed to stay in the national spotlight and stay well-loved by her fan base, despite political defeat.

Neptune has also been hovering in that sector of the sky, as it has since December 2007. Neptune has an interesting effect on the birth chart. It rules things like spirituality and higher consciousness. But no planet is an entirely positive thing: Neptune also rules delusion and self-deception. One way or another, Neptune tends to cloud the judgement.

During this same period of time, Sarah Palin has endorsed a virtually-unknown third party candidate "who can't answer some basic questions" about his local politics, thus splitting the right-wing vote and costing Sarah's party a seat in Congress they have held since "jail" was spelled "gaol."

She also continues to publicly rumble with 19-year-old hockey player Levi Johnston, despite his ongoing claims to know some as-yet-unrevealed Palin family secrets that might "get her in trouble and could hurt her." The standard way to handle this sort of thing in politics would be to dismiss the whole matter as the ramblings of a 19-year-old hockey player who is only seeking attention (watch for his upcoming appearance in Playgirl).

But perhaps the most telling sign that Neptune is messing with Ms. Palin's functions? The Death Panel business.

America is currently struggling with the rightness of legislation that would give it public health care, which most of the civilized world already has. For various reasons, most right-wing politicians (who will be the first to declare that America is The Greatest Country On Earth) are of the opinion that Americans having anything better than the 38th Greatest Life Expectancy on Earth while paying The Greatest Health Care Bills On Earth is "socialism"...

...but like I said, this is about astrology, not politics...

Anyway: said legislation contains a provision for covering "end of life counseling." This means that, whereas private insurers will often deny hospice coverage to terminally ill patients (there's little profit to be had from soon-to-be-dead folks), the public coverage wouldn't leave these people on the side of the road to die the old-fashioned way.


-That's not at all what the legislation says
-Nowhere on Earth with publicly-funded health care has such a thing
-That would require legalizing euthanasia, which the legislation doesn't do
-Private health insurance does exactly that on a de facto basis by sometimes denying life-saving treatment.

Fortunately for the sake of intelligent, civilized discourse, she soon thereafter backed down from her fairly ludicrous statements, saying that "we must stick to a discussion of the issues and not get sidetracked by tactics that can be accused of leading to intimidation or harassment."

But then, mavericky creature that she is, Ms. Palin has recently returned to the mythical Death Panels as a reason to reject public health insurance, thus contradicting both what the legislation actually says and herself.

Like I said: Neptune tends to cloud the judgement.

Of course, I could point out that all this cloudy judgement is simply a more ham-fisted-than-usual example of how certain political stripes have attempted to gain and retain power via overly-simplistic fear-mongering... but I won't. After all, I'm just an astrologer. It's my job to point out the effects of the planets... not to point out the obvious.


..

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Saturn: The Onion Sombrero


I wrote a blog elsewhere once, wherein I used to complain about politics and pop culture and anything else that dared to wander into my snarky gaze.

One of the targets of my self-righteous fury was a particular commercial for Coke Zero. To wit:

"You may have recently been exposed to a commercial for Coke Zero involving a disembodied tongue, eyeball, and brain, debating the merits of Coke Zero while a second tongue stands in the distance and watches...

No, this is not something that happened to me on LSD. It's a real commercial.

The thing ends with the brain breaking up the tongue/eyeball debate. He threatens to make the tongue eat dirt, and ends with this very peculiar threat to the eyeball:

"You are going to have to wear the onion sombrero. All. Day. Long. Señor."

I've seen the ad several times and I can confirm that yes, the brain does say "onion sombrero." At first I wondered if this was some slang term I simply hadn't heard before, like "Dirty Sanchez."

I think I have uncovered the secret of The Onion Sombrero. I think Coke is trying to launch a meme. It's a catchy phrase, and a Google search reveals that the phrase didn't exist prior to the commercial. And hey, if Google can't find something, it doesn't exist, right?"

I was (and still am) of the belief that "onion sombrero" was a deliberate attempt to manufacture a "meme," that is: a rogue bit of cultural data that takes off on its own and infects the minds of thousands, if not millions.

I have almost forgotten about this, until recently when the ad in question came back. And then I heard a teenager on the street use the term "onion sombrero" with one of his buddies.

I've heard various opinions as to what this vegetable headgear is... the most likely explanation I've heard is that it is "a contact lens."

Personally: I've come to the conclusion that, astrologically at least... Saturn is the Onion Sombrero. Saturn is, literally or figuratively, something you threaten someone with. Saturn is restriction and suffering.

Of course, Saturn is also structure and order and bones and skin, without which you (literally and figuratively) wouldn't have a leg to stand on. And, just as the phrase "onion sombrero" may have you scratching your head and saying "Wha...?," Saturn may have you rubbing the lumps it put on your head and saying "Why me?"

So, if you see this Coke Zero ad: try not to be puzzled. The weird imagery and odd choice of words are all deliberate attempts to bamboozle your mind into buying a carbonated drink that you don't really need.

On the other hand, if you are confronted by Saturn, remember that you do really need it, even if it isn't very comfortable. And it will pass. And odds are good you'll come out of the other side of a Saturn Transit a better person, one way or another.

One's bad for your teeth. The other is good for your soul.

It's a reading, it's a forecast, it's a book... all for less than the cost of a reading! It's Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

Monday, July 27, 2009

And Now... "Astrological Cliché Corner," Starring Morgan Freeman!

One of the great frustrations of being an astrologer, at times, is the way beginners can take a few basics and jump to conclusions based on them. Like for example:

  • Geminis are not afraid to make unconventional choices with their lives, and if that Sun is ruled by a Mercury in Taurus, they are often pleasure-centered choices.
  • People with Moon in Pisces tend to make unrealistic emotional choices.

Some other astrological clichés I hate? People with Venus in Aries make impulsive, poorly-thought-out love matches for themselves... especially when that Mercury is aspected by Uranus. Or another one: people with Mars in Scorpio have powerful sex drives that can lead them to unsuitable relationships. And any Vedic astrologer might point out that someone with Jupiter in Capricorn might be more prone that the average person to marry someone of a significantly different age... and then that astrologer would immediately point out that it isn't that simple, either.

Astrology, like life itself, is far more complex than that. Honestly: such generalizations do far more harm than good. And furthermore --

Dammit! Way to screw up my point, Morgan Freeman! Anyway... hope things work out with you and your 27 year old stepdaughter/fiancee E'Dina Hines.



It's a reading, it's a forecast, it's a book... all for less than the cost of a reading! It's Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Notes From An Astrologer's Spam Folder

>From:joseph.n.kunstman@cpanel1.znapped.com
>
>Re: Secrets to successful lovemaking
>
>Your meaty magic wand will do all the love magic again!
>http://1c2prof.com.ua/1.html

>pixylighting pacts' huemeramybows, picking here, pecking there, pussypussy
>Mutt.-- Louee, louee! How wooden I not know it, the intel



Dear Mr. Kunstman:

Although you perfectly (and poetically) describe the anatomical and intellectual effects of a Neptune transit to a man's natal Mars, I should clarify: although transiting Neptune is semi-sextile to my natal Mars, transiting Uranus is trine my natal Mars. Therefore the physiological effects are (if anything) the opposite of what you describe. But I thank you for your concern.

.

.
It's a reading, it's a forecast, it's a book... all for less than the cost of a reading! It's Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!


Monday, July 13, 2009

Are You Ready For More Dick?


-Me, about three and a half months ago, on Dick Cheney

There are few things in life an astrologer likes than being right... even if it's about bad news. Former US Vice President Dick Cheney (who we all thought we were done with a while ago) is back in the news. And, as is usually the case for Dick, the news isn't good.

As you may recall, there was a story floating around the fringes of that Liberal Media you keep hearing abut that Dick had his own private hit squad while Vice President. This of course was quietly dismissed as partisan politics. Those charges may seem a little less paranoid in light of recent statements that Dick went “outside the law” when it came to not letting other members of the government know about certain CIA activities.

Which CIA activities? Secret stuff. Spy stuff. Maybe death squad stuff... we just aren't sure.

What am I sure about? Well, for one thing, transiting Saturn is now conjunct Dick's secondary-progressed Moon, ruler of his eleventh House ("love received"), and he certainly doesn't seem to have won any one's hearts with this latest set of rumors. I'm also sure transiting Jupiter and Neptune quincunxing natal Ascendant ruler Mercury isn't very good for public image.

One more thing I'm sure about? The transiting Sun (so often called a malefic in Vedic astrology, and so often causing me to agree) will be passing through Dick Cheney's 12th House (hidden matters) starting in about a week and a half, and continuing until mid to late August.

...and I'm sure there's going to be more legal activity that backs up the rumors. You heard it here first.

(Then again, maybe I'm just imagining that because I really, really like to see justice done, and I really, really like America in general, and I really, really wish they'd turn on those of their own who pervert its own best principles. Who knows? I'm an idealist. Like I said, we'll see...)

Dick Cheney: January 30, 1941, about 7:30 PM, Lincoln, Nebraska.)





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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Obama Is The Antichrist, And Other Bad Uses For Asteroids

There are a few astrologers out there... no names, but if you Google for it, you'll find them... who actually believe that since President Obama's natal Sun is conjunct the asteroid Lucifer, he is the Antichrist.

Rather than dignify that with a detailed response, I decided to run my "more asteroids than any competent astrologer will ever use or need" software and come up with a few revealing asteroid gems from my own birth chart.

In my birth chart, my Moon and Ascendant are conjunct the asteroid Alekto, named for one of the three Furies from ancient mythology. The Furies used to exact divine vengeance and punish those who defied the will of the Gods. This explains my style of presentation when I'm with a client. And since my Moon and Ascendant are also square Medusa, you'd better not look at me while I'm doing it.

My Uranus is conjunct Probitas, Latin for "honesty." Therefore, I am honestly eccentric.

My Neptune is conjunct Rachele. I don't actually recall knowing anyone by that name. Obviously, since Neptune was involved, I was always drunk when she showed up. Gee, I hope I didn't offend her, which is why she never came back...

My Mars is exactly conjunct the asteroid Hedwig. Yes, there really is an asteroid called "Hedwig," as in "Hedwig And The Angry Inch." If you've seen the movie, and know what Mars represents in male physiology... um, I don't want to talk about it.

Phyllis is exactly conjunct my Saturn, which is in the 9th House. This explains why Phyllis Diller was no help whatsoever with my higher education. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure it was her who insisted I get drunk the night before mid-terms instead of studying. Then again, my Mercury is exactly square the asteroids Harvard and Berkeley, so I probably wouldn't understand the entrance exam questions anyway.

My natal Venus is exactly conjunct the asteroid Valentine. I don't have a joke to go with this... I just wish I'd thought to mention that the last time I wrote a personal ad. Then again, my Venus is exactly square the asteroid Nemesis, so maybe I should stay away from personal ads altogether.

And finally: my Sun is exactly conjunct the asteroid called America. This probably explains why I feel so out of place, what with being Canadian and all.


.

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Monday, July 6, 2009

Lunar Eclipse In Capricorn Effects, Described As A Dungeons & Dragons Random Treasure Table

(Roll Percentile Dice)

01–17 Bag of Bitching. Bag is a Capricorn which is suddenly questioning its place in life. Roll vs. Endurance or lose sanity for 2d10 rounds.
01–12 +3 Sword Of Sharpness. If player character is a Cancer, player must roll vs. Intelligence, or will use it on his/her spouse/partner while attempting to clarify what direction the relationship is going in.
13–24 Acid (2d4 flasks, each of which explode upon examination). Specifically Gemini acid, upset over recent financial dealings and/or relationships and/or STD test results.
25–36 Hole Of Infinite Sucking. Will probably be found inside a Sagittarius bank account.
37–48 Holy water. Originally created by a Virgo to fight vampires, this particular holy water was recently used to scrub out the memory of a doomed relationship. Now mostly dirty and useless.
49–62 A vial of antitoxin. It is empty, recently swallowed by an Aries attempting to leave his/her poisonous work environment. The Aries lies nearby, choking.
63–74 Everburning torch. Comparable to the ulcer Leos are experiencing trying to get their daily lives together recently.
75–88 Wand of Wisdom, pointed at the head of an Aquarius while they try to figure out why nothing is working out recently. The wand does not appear to be working out either.
89–95 A telephone (melted). Formerly owned by an astrologer overwhelmed by clients with sudden personal issues and collection agents.
96-00 =5 Magic Armor (roll d%: 01–10=Small, 11–100=Medium). Pretty much mandatory for everyone the next couple of weeks. Will protect you against anything (does not actually exist).




Thursday, July 2, 2009

Follow Friday And A Bushel Of Lemmys

Lately there's been a thing floating around the blogosphere called "The Lemmy Awards." It's where bloggers nominate/recommend other blogs that they find useful, entertaining, and/or informative. I still have no idea if "The Lemmy Awards" are an actual thing hosted by an actual group, or simply an escaped meme, or something in between. I've been nominated for a Lemmy more than once, and in my finest tradition... I've been slow to return the favor. This will be my way of making it up to you, and of paying the honor forward.

There's also a tradition on Twitter (Twitter's been around long enough to have "traditions"?) called "Follow Friday," where Twitterers recommend other Twits whose Tweets are Tworth Tchecking out. (Okay, I'm already tired of Twitter.)

I've decided to combine the two into my own Follow Friday here on my blog. If there's such a thing as a "Lemmy Committee," please consider each of my upcoming Follow Fridays as a nomination. For the rest of you, it will be easier... just read and enjoy.

Also, you now have an excuse to drop by at least every Friday. Lucky you!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Happy Uranus Station/Canada Day!

Uranus comes to a grinding halt in the sky today, so have a good look at your birth chart. If you have something in the late degrees of the Mutable Signs... big things are a' happenin'.

It's also Canada Day, when we of the Frozen North celebrate our independence from the British Empire. That in and of itself wasn't terribly Uranian -- there was no great rebellion, no war for independence, no thrilling tales of battlefield daring. It's a little like taking the day off to celebrate getting your driver's licence renewed.

...Or so you'd think. We're a peaceful, kind and co-operative lot, generally speaking. But once a year on this day we gather and... secretly, while no outsiders are watching... we celebrate the story our neighbors to the south tend to gloss over when they're celebrating their own history. An educational video is provided below.

Oh, damn. I let the Big Canadian secret out. Now they're gonna revoke my citizenship. Wait... who am I kidding? This is Canada we're talking about. By the time we're done debating who should be on the Board Of Inquiry into my bad behaviour, I'm going to be long dead.

Anyway, Happy Uranus Station/Canada Day! Celebrate with your own act of revolution... before the revolution comes and finds you.


Monday, June 29, 2009

Pisces: ShamWow Of The Zodiac


Hi, it’s Vince for Pisces! You’ll be saying wow every time you get involved with one! It’s like a chamois! It’s like a towel! It’s like a sponge! Most people just can't soak up this much raw sentiment and guilt! Pisces holds twenty times its weight in tears. Look at this! (wrings Pisces out over a bucket labelled "Early Childhood Trauma") It just does the work!

Why would you want to work twice as hard, emotionally? You have issues? Pisces will soak 'em up. You can make it feel like it's all Pisces' fault, and Pisces wrings out good as new. (Bashes Pisces flat against the counter-top) Look at that! Completely dry and ready for more of the same!

Here’s some cola, anger, wine, infidelity, coffee, accusations, and pet stains. Whatever you bring home, Pisces will mop it up and come back for more. Take a Pisces home with you tonight! Marry one! Better yet: get one for your home, and keep one the side at the office. They'll both blame themselves for your bad behavior! You following me, camera guy? No other sign's gonna put up with your crap quite like that! Look! I just blamed my drug habit on Pisces... and Pisces takes it! And look, Pisces is still empathizing! It acts like a vacuum! And yet Pisces still thinks I'm cute! See what I’m telling ya?

Pisces! You’ll be saying: make mine Fishy!