Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Obama Is The Antichrist, And Other Bad Uses For Asteroids

There are a few astrologers out there... no names, but if you Google for it, you'll find them... who actually believe that since President Obama's natal Sun is conjunct the asteroid Lucifer, he is the Antichrist.

Rather than dignify that with a detailed response, I decided to run my "more asteroids than any competent astrologer will ever use or need" software and come up with a few revealing asteroid gems from my own birth chart.

In my birth chart, my Moon and Ascendant are conjunct the asteroid Alekto, named for one of the three Furies from ancient mythology. The Furies used to exact divine vengeance and punish those who defied the will of the Gods. This explains my style of presentation when I'm with a client. And since my Moon and Ascendant are also square Medusa, you'd better not look at me while I'm doing it.

My Uranus is conjunct Probitas, Latin for "honesty." Therefore, I am honestly eccentric.

My Neptune is conjunct Rachele. I don't actually recall knowing anyone by that name. Obviously, since Neptune was involved, I was always drunk when she showed up. Gee, I hope I didn't offend her, which is why she never came back...

My Mars is exactly conjunct the asteroid Hedwig. Yes, there really is an asteroid called "Hedwig," as in "Hedwig And The Angry Inch." If you've seen the movie, and know what Mars represents in male physiology... um, I don't want to talk about it.

Phyllis is exactly conjunct my Saturn, which is in the 9th House. This explains why Phyllis Diller was no help whatsoever with my higher education. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure it was her who insisted I get drunk the night before mid-terms instead of studying. Then again, my Mercury is exactly square the asteroids Harvard and Berkeley, so I probably wouldn't understand the entrance exam questions anyway.

My natal Venus is exactly conjunct the asteroid Valentine. I don't have a joke to go with this... I just wish I'd thought to mention that the last time I wrote a personal ad. Then again, my Venus is exactly square the asteroid Nemesis, so maybe I should stay away from personal ads altogether.

And finally: my Sun is exactly conjunct the asteroid called America. This probably explains why I feel so out of place, what with being Canadian and all.




NR said...

This is the funniest, "And since my Moon and Ascendant are also square Medusa, you'd better not look at me while I'm doing it."

It must be your shampoo that's keeping this one in check.

Anonymous said...

Bongo like. You funny man.

Alan Annand said...

dear Hedwig -

Just my cup of tea - tongue in cheek with a very pertinent commentary on what sadly passes for serious astrology in some circles these days. Scratch that angry itch, man!

- Alan