Why I Am An Astrologer

I've been a professional astrologer for over twenty years, but the story really begins back when I was six years old, when I was handed a book -- "The Compleat Astrologer" -- by my mother. "There's too much math for me," she said. Besides, the book's original owner... my then-twenty-year-old half-sister... had been hauled away by the cops for what everyone assumed would be the last time.

(That's one thing I've noticed over the years: astrologers usually come from screwy family backgrounds somehow.)

Fast forward a couple of decades, and I had gone through college to learn psychology and counseling. I was dissatisfied with it. Helping people is what I wanted to do, but traditional techniques always seemed to result in scatter-shot results. For a while I secretly integrated astrology into more mainstream techniques, and I started to get results. It's one thing to come to the conclusion that a client is having a bad time with their children, but it's quite another to be able to tell that client that these problems (which started about ten months ago) are a result of Transit X, and should be wrapped up in another four months.

The more I did this, the more there was no looking back. I had become an astrologer, and could only bill myself as such. I had traded in prestige for results.

Frankly, I am a HUGE fan of "results."

The more I understood astrology, the more I could see the actual mechanics of why this person gets along with that person, but trouble always flares up over scheduling or sexual mismatches or communication styles, or what have you. If psychology is like decoding the plot of a movie you're watching, then astrology is like decoding the plot of that movie with a copy of the script in hand, and an interview with the director and writer as to what their thoughts were during filming. It's simply more comprehensive and easier to make sense of the movie with all that additional background material at hand.

Oh, and also: astrology can predict the future. How can you say no to something that both tells you why your mate is acting up AND how long it's going to last?

That's why I'm an astrologer. I like helping people, and I like seeing how the individual parts add up to a Whole Person, and how those parts interact with other Whole Person's parts, and with the world around them.

And yeah... predicting the future accurately is pretty cool too.

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Whether by choice or personal tastes, most astrologers end up specializing in one way or another of doing their work, and what issues they deal with. Although astrology can be used to find answers to pretty much anything, I find myself drawn again and again to matters involving human relationships. Why does this one love that one? Why can't those two work things out? What am I doing wrong when it comes to understanding you, and vice versa? Psychology is pretty good for that sort of thing, but in my experience only astrology seems to grasp a lot of the mechanics and timing of personal and interpersonal issues.

The timing of matters is particularly important. When do I start my business? Should I go on vacation now or next month? Astrology has answers for those things too. I often tell clients: "any psychic can tell you that 'everything happens for a reason'... but it takes an astrologer to tell you that 'nothing happens a damned minute before it's supposed to.'"

So even though my goal is to help people the same way a regular counselor or therapist would, I get my results from a wide variety of of both natal and predictive techniques: transits and secondary progressions and eclipse charts and even a little Vedic Astrology where it fits. Basically, I go wherever the answers are.

Also: the idea that Your Life and The Universe are strangely yet deeply connected really, really kicks ass.

If you're looking for some answers of your own, send me an e-mail and I'll tell you more!

Matthew The Astrologer on Creepy KOFY Movie Time

For those of you who missed it... like, just about everyone... here is my appearance on The Bay Area's own Creepy KOFY Movie Time. Two things that are important to notice:

1) Astrology gives you the ability to quickly "cut to the chase" with a thumbnail description of the personality.

2) They used that special camera on me that added ten pounds to my chin and neck, but not anyone else's. Now THAT'S "paranormal."

(Come back soon for a link to my 2012 Forecast Show!) 

Astrology, Bad Transits, And Avoiding The One-Eyed Pomeranian Of Fate

Astrology works. Objectivity though? That's the hard part.

I don't look at my own personal transits every day. As a matter of fact, I do it about as often as I get around to shaving... which, being a self-employed work-at-home type with naturally slovenly tendencies, isn't as often as it should be. But it does happen, and when it does I freely admit to suffering the same flaw that any other astrologer will admit to (if they are human and honest about it): it's pretty damned hard to be objective about yourself.

Or, as I used to tell my students on the subject: "Even the world's best surgeon probably shouldn't try to take out his or her own appendix."

Nonetheless, this Christmas Eve I sat down to check out my own transits before commencing with my day. I admit I was troubled to see as many difficult aspects happening that day as I did.

My original plan had been to attend the Christmas Eve fund-raising event run by Muttville Senior Dog Rescue. They do good work, and besides... a $1.00 Senior Dog Kissing Booth? Holy cow, does it really ever get better than that?

A typical Muttvile Dog description: "Bumper is a 12 year old corgi mix, possibly with some Shepard or Jack Russell terrier. He was rescued from a high kill shelter by Muttville and has nothing but love for other dogs and people. Despite being completely blind and partially deaf, this little guy gets around very well."

C'mon. Seriously. If that doesn't have you ready to scream with some combination of small-child glee and full-to-bursting Buddha compassion, check yourself for a pulse.

So before heading out, I had a look at the astrology of the day. And my thought processes were a little like this:

"Hmmm. Uranus is square my Jupiter, but that's been going on for a long time, so let's not worry about that just this second. The North Node is conjunct my Sun, but... yeah, well, that has a whole bunch of karmic implications that are kind of hard to nail down practically. And this morning's New Moon was conjunct my Mercury-Venus midpoint, which is, umm... kinda karmic too, so God knows what that could mean. But: Transiting Mars is conjunct my natal Uranus-Pluto conjunction, and square my Sun, so.... hmmm... violently unexpected Ego upsets? A sense of either being denied my destiny, or finding it and getting screwed by it? Maybe."

Naturally, I put that together with my plans and figured that perhaps I'd go there, see a dog I wanted but could never keep in my place, and I'd be devastated. Or maybe I just wouldn't care but couldn't afford the fee, and I'd get caught smuggling some three-legged terrier out under my jacket, or something like that. So I decided to avoid the whole matter entirely, and I changed my plans and went and did something a lot more emotionally safe.

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This is why at 1:28 PM on Christmas Eve, while I was walking to the grocery store, my right foot was run over as I crossed the street, breaking four metatarsal bones like they were kindling. And of course, in hindsight, that incident fit the astrological symbolism of the time far better than any imaginary screaming fit over a dog.

Astrology doesn't lie... but if we let our expectations do all the talking, we'll never accurately hear what Astrology is actually saying to us.

(And yes, for those of you still wondering, I'm alive enough that sometime in the next week "Conquer The Universe With Astrology" really WILL be back, starting with the 2012 Forecast Show. Here's an excitingly non-specific preview. Now hand me the Vicodin.)

Conquer The Universe With Astrology Before It Blows Up!

THIS EPISODE: the Uranus-Pluto square, the reason why the world looks so crazy today, and what you can do about it! Your questions anserwed too! Join me in the Chat Room, or call (323) 443-7252!

Check out my show! If you like what you hear... there's more to come in the future! Please feel free to drop by and visit my Donations Page. It's what keeps me going and, and you might just get a surprise...

And yes, I still send free stuff to everyone who writes me!

Transits: Enough Rope

Today: a break from my usual blogging at Astrologydating.com for a more personal take on how transits work:

Off and on since late 2009 (and mostly on), transiting Saturn in Virgo has been squaring my natal Jupiter, and for most of that time, Uranus has been opposing that Saturn, and (in turn) squaring my natal Jupiter from the other side of the sky. This has all made for a lot of ups and downs in my personal fortunes and my general satisfaction levels with life, and if you've been reading this blog for a while, you know I've griped about Saturn in Virgo transits before. 

Because of retrogrades, a lot of transits come in three parts: transit, retrograde back, then the transiting planet goes forward and does it for a third and final time. With a difficult transit, it's a little like being hit by a truck, then the truck backs over you, then the truck takes off and runs you over again while it drives away. And admittedly, that's what my Saturn situation has felt like.

Yesterday the final peak of the Saturn transit passed the point where it squared my Jupiter for the last time. It was a day of significant mixed feelings for me. I usually advice my clients to review what happened in their lives when they reach this point in a troublesome outer-planet transit. So I spent a good couple of hours yesterday, looking at the results of the last year and a half or so had gotten me in my life.

Part of me was pleased that I had played the karmic hand I had been dealt as well as I have. And, after all, I'm still alive... and how can you complain about that? 

On the other hand... part of me kept hearing David Byrne, from about the 2:30 mark of "Once In A Lifetime," saying "my God, what have I done?" over and over again...

The lesson is this: Life always give you enough rope to hang on to, and enough to hang yourself with. The choice is yours.

My new stuff usually appears HERE, and if you're looking for a consultation (big discounts in effect NOW!) or further info on my books, you can contact me HERE.

Mars In Capricorn: Not Afraid Of Shameless Self-Promotion

Hi again, just a quick update. It turns out there are some readers out there of mine (and bless you all by the way) who weren't aware that I write a regular feature for Astrology.com. Have a look: I've been kind of busy getting ready for...

Is everyone getting tired of me beating it to death that I have a book now? I'm not... it's a Mars in Capricorn thing.

Thank you all for your readership... and your patience.

(UPDATE: Signed copies of the book with The Twenty Dollar Freebie will only be available until the 18th. For details or to order: octaviapress@hotmail.com)

And now a song about traffic lights!

Moon In Cancer On The Ascendant, Trine Chiron Conjunct Midheaven

When it comes to the traits of our own birth chart, we can be a little like a fish that never realizes it's completely surrounded by water. But today, as the Moon passed through my Sixth House, I started to think about my heroes, and it all made sense.

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Uranus And Pluto Conjunct, In Virgo, In The Third House: An Interview

" 'No reason to get excited,' the thief he kindly spoke. 'There are many here among us who feel that life is but a joke. But you and I, we've been through that, and this is not our fate. So let us not talk falsely now -- the hour is getting late.' "

-All Along The Watchtower

(SCENE: The Interview Room. MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER sits behind the desk. The overhead fluorescent lights blink and then go out, replaced by the dim and reddish emergency lights. The door to the room opens and URANUS IN VIRGO IN THE THIRD HOUSE enters. He makes tiny clanks and hydraulic hisses as he walks, being half human and half cybernetic being. His left eye has been replaced with some sort of laser imaging device, and his right forearm appears to have been replaced by a complex mechanical probe. He comes to a halt and stands to MTA's left.

Next, an enormous black Rottweiler the size of a small pony enters. It is PLUTO IN VIRGO IN THE THIRD HOUSE. He trots into the room and jumps into the seat in front of MTA's desk.)

P3H: Hello. I'm so glad you could make it.

MTA: What do you mean? I'm the one who invited you.

P3H: I mean "glad you're still alive," made it.

MTA: You didn't come on schedule.

U3H: Unpredictability, advantage gained. Interview is now in our control.

MTA: Oh. Um, nice touch.

P3H: The last thing we wanted from you was a rigged, pre-arranged interview where you made us look silly. (Lifts his leg and begins licking himself)

MTA: Right. So I guess you two have an effect on my style of communication, being in the Third House --

U3H: Insufficient! Parameter too small! Recalibrate!

P3H: What my friend is trying to say is that saying that the Third House is "communication" is far too limiting. The third house is how your mind works. How, in your case, you remember tiny trivial details for decades, even when your Mercury drops the ball and loses your keys. And how you can assemble those details to form a bigger picture than what was at first expected. 

U3H: Additional data: high affinity for metaphoric imagery.

MTA: You mean how I like to find oddball metaphors for things, like making my Uranus in Virgo a Borg... a weird species of alien who will go to unusual lengths to achieve what they see as perfection?

U3H: Affirmative.

MTA: (To P3H) And you are...?

P3H: The neighbor's dog that scared the hell out of you when you were six.

MTA: Ah. You know, you guys aspect most of the stuff in my chart. Pretty much everything except Mercury, Venus, and Jupiter. That makes you pretty significant.

P3H: Venus and Jupiter? A pushover and a clown. Not of any real significance. And your Mercury is scattered to near-uselessness.

U3H: They are irrelevant. We do not need them.

MTA: What are you talking about?

P3H: We're here to correct you. In past, you have said that strong placements in other signs can overwhelm a relatively weak or isolated Sun Sign. Like the Gemini you know with the stellium in Taurus. Or, in your case, the Moon in Cancer on the Ascendant. particularly in times of stress. Like you've experienced recently.

MTA: And you don't agree with that?

(U3H extends his metal probe-arm out to MTA. A pair of mechanical fangs shoot out, stabbing MTA's left shoulder, and withdraw.)

MTA: Ow! What was that for?

P3H: We agree with your theory, in principle.

MTA: (Absently scratching the back of his left hand) Then what are you trying to prove?

P3H: That the idea is right, but you got the placement wrong. In your case, it isn't sweet little Moon In Cancer. It's us. And we are taking over.

U3H: We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own.

(MTA scratches harder at the back of his left hand, then holds it up to examine the source of the itch. A rash has broken out, but no ordinary rash: it is composed of electronic components and wiring wrapped in thick black dog hairs. And it is slowly spreading up MTA's arm.)

MTA: This... this is... you can't...

(U3H begins to produce a quavering feedback sound, and P3H barks, and then begins to howl. Both the feedback and the howling soon mutate into maniacal laughter. The red emergency lights dim, then flicker out completely. The insane laughter continues.)

MTA: Oh. Shit.

(Part of the "Personal Planets" series. Click HERE to collect 'em all!)

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Jupiter In Gemini In The Twelfth, Retrograde: An Interview (Sort Of)

"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

I think so, Brain, but this time, you put the trousers on the chimp."

-Pinky And The Brain

(SCENE: The Interview Room. MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER sits behind the desk. There is a knock at the door.)

MTA: Come in.

(The door opens and a Marching Band files into the room. Instead of the usual brass instruments, woodwinds, and drums, they are equipped with harmonicas, kazoos, and washboards. They are followed by a Chorus of singers, dressed as fast food restaurant employees. Finally, JUPITER IN GEMINI IN THE TWELFTH enters, dressed in an improbably garish costume and carrying a wombat under his arm. J12H clears his throat and gestures to the band. They begin to play "The Major-General's Song" from Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Pirates Of Penzance." J12H sets the wombat down, which then stands on its hind legs, holding sparklers in its forepaws, and dances.)

J12H (singing):

I am your Twelfth House retrograded Jupiter in Gemini
I thought I'd take the time out just to drop in then I'd say "hi"
I'm complex to communicate but I will give it all a try
Here's hoping that you find it educational but not too dry
Although it is my job to be the king of Sagittarius
With Gemini results are often scattered and ridiculous
I have the attention span of approximately a tsetse fly
And it is my job to rule your Sun, South Node, and Mercur-eye!

CHORUS:

And it is his job to rule your Sun, South Node, and Mercur-eye!
And it is his job to rule your Sun, South Node, and Mercur-eye!
And it is his job to rule your Sun, South Node, and Mercur-ercur-eye!

J12H:

In your birth chart you will note that that I am quite unaspected
Scattering my thoughts about and common sense, it gets deflected
My zest for life I find it often outstrips all my cash supply
I am your Twelfth House retrograded Jupiter in Gemini!

CHORUS:

His zest for life, he finds it often outstrips all his cash supply!
He is your Twelfth House retrograded Jupiter in Gemini!

J12H:

You'll find I'm well versed in most matters that are zodiacal
Tropical, sidereal and sometimes heliocentrical
In rulership I command your liver, thighs and pituitary
All three of which you'll find are things that can get hairy
Your Mercury and I, we are in a mutual reception
And we rule each other, fuel each other, that isn't a deception
Amplifying each other's functionalities, we often say
I'm not sure what that means but we can talk about it all the day!

CHORUS:

He's not sure what that means but he can talk about it all the day!
He's not sure what that means but he can talk about it all the day!
He's not sure what that means but he can talk about it all the live long day!

(The Marching Band continues, but J12H gestures for them to stop, which they do. MTA stares disapprovingly at J12H.)

J12H: (Unimpressed) Well, you aren't much of an audience today, are you? I may not be the best-placed planet in your chart, but at least I have style. Hmph.

(The Marching Band files out of the room, followed by the Chorus. J12H bows theatrically, and also leaves. The Wombat tosses the burned-out sparklers aside and returns to all fours.)

MTA: That was just silly and scattered.

WOMBAT: I quite agree.

(Part of the "Personal Planets" series. Click HERE to collect 'em all!)
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Venus In Aquarius In The Seventh: An Interview

"The world is so full of people, so crowded with these miracles that they become commonplace and we forget... We gaze continually at the world and it grows dull in our perceptions. Yet seen from another's vantage point, as if new, it may still take our breath away."

-Alan Moore

(SCENE: MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER'S bedroom. MTA is asleep, hidden under a quilt. A grey cat sleeps curled in a ball on top of the quilt, next to him. Hovering in mid-air over the bed is VENUS IN AQUARIUS IN THE SEVENTH, sitting in a lotus position, wearing a handmade Peruvian hemp poncho and faded, tattered jeans. The cat awakes, sees V7H, and runs away panicked. )

V7H: Hey brother!

MTA: (Waking up suddenly) What the hell are you doing here? It's Sunday morning!

V7H: I heard about the bad trip you had with Neptune and thought I'd check in on you.

MTA: Well, um.... thanks. Your timing is a little peculiar though, isn't it?

V7H: I don't follow the usual rules.

MTA: I guess, being Venus, the bedroom is a natural too.

V7H: Don't get any ideas. Besides, that whole part of my role is waaaay overstated.

MTA: Love and affection aren't a part of what Venus does?

V7H: Of course. But there's all kinds of love.

MTA: I guess I could make some kind of hippie love commune joke here. I shouldn't, though.

V7H: If it feels good, do it. Everyone should be free to follow their bliss as they see fit, barring harm to another of course. Love comes in many forms, and moves us in different ways, and all of it adds to the Greater Good. No... it multiplies. Love, in its truest form, is so much more than just physically and mentally bonding with someone for the endorphin rush that produces. That's great... don't get me wrong... but ultimately, that's just mistaking the evidence of Love for Love Itself. I think that's where a lot of people get tripped up by their Venus.

MTA: So how does the experience of "love" feel for you?

V7H: I prefer not to feel it so much as to do it. Love is many things. It's a noun and a verb. It's the kind word at a difficult time. It's the change landing in a panhandler's cap. It's putting things back so others can use them. It's standing up to tyranny. And yes, it is also the embrace of a loved one. In the context of romantic love... the same things apply. Except in that case, you are simply applying the general principle to the specific person.

MTA: You're kind of in an interesting place. I don't mean my bedroom, I mean in Aquarius... which has a reputation for being cool and stand-offish. Universal, but not personal. But you're also in my Seventh House, which is considered to be a very good place for you. At least, as far as all the traditional love and romance associations Venus has.

V7H: I find it makes it easier to express my higher ideals to others, especially within the context of a relationship. And when you share a house with Mars In Capricorn your whole life, you learn a few things about "getting along." There are worse things than having high ideals towards someone you love, isn't there?

MTA: I suppose so.

V7H: People are inherently worthy of love, merely for being people. It's too easy to forget that. And it's too easy to forget that romantic love comes with responsibility as well as pleasure. People treat it like it's a trip to Candyland... and then they crash after the sugar runs out. Or when the object of that love... who is worthy of love simply because they are human... turns out to be human. So many people grasp for Love, because it will do something for them. Like it's a pill that will compensate for the pain. But it's not about you. It's about the other. That's the easiest thing in the world to understand about Love. And, sometimes, it's the hardest thing to act on. It's less like Romeo and Juliet than most people realize... and more like Kirk and Spock. (Drifting towards the door) Gotta go... glad you're doing better...

MTA: Wait! Why not stick around a while?

V7H: I'm needed somewhere else.

MTA: You're such a humanitarian.

V7H: Not today, Brother. I've got a Star Trek convention to get to... (leaves)

(Part of the "Personal Planets" series. Click HERE to collect 'em all!)

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The Amazing Surprise Economic Turnaround Astrology Experiment continues! Click here to read more, and to join in!

Neptune In Scorpio In The Fifth: An Interview

"And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

(Scene: An enormous, dimly lit warehouse filled with badly-arranged shelves stacked with a bizarre assortment of DVDs, books, and trinkets. At one end is a door, and at the other is a battered metal vault, held shut by a heavy iron bar. The smaller door opens and MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER enters, carrying a note pad. At the centre of it all, in an arm chair, sits NEPTUNE IN SCORPIO IN THE FIFTH, glassy-eyed as he smokes from a bong, surrounded by a mound of clutter. He is on the phone, and talks loudly in order to be heard over a Warner Brothers cartoon which plays on an enormous television screen in front of him. He doesn't notice MTA entering.)

N5H: Bummer, dude. No, seriously. There's no way anyone should treat you like that. You were just -- (notices MTA has arrived) Whoa, gotta go. Astrologer dude is here. (N5H hangs up, and shouts to MTA.) Sorry I didn't hear you dude. That was Moon In Cancer. We trine each other almost exactly. That comes with free long distance.

MTA: I had to drop by. You keep missing your appointment. (glaring at the giant TV) Does that thing have to be on so damned loud?

N5H: Yeah, sorry about that. Have a look around, dude. Ask your questions... I'm not real good with answers though.

MTA: (Writing in his notepad) This place is a mess. Kind of interesting though. (Sees something on the floor) Hey! I haven't seen that since I was seven!

N5H: "The How And Why Wonder Book Of Dinosaurs"? Yeah. I've got it all here. Let Mercury and The Moon fight over who rules memory... I got your nostalgia right here, dude.

(There is a distant thumping sound)

MTA: What was that?

N5H: Nothing to worry about. (Turns the volume up on the cartoon a little) That'll take care of it.

MTA: You've got an amazing collection here. (Flipping through a few DVDs on a shelf) An awful lot of porn too. (excitedly) You've got this too? Man, those were good times!

N5H: Yeah. The relationship didn't work out, but it sure had it moments.

MTA: You've made me pretty unrealistic about those... relationships and romance and such. Always chasing after the wrong woman, or chasing after the right woman the wrong way, or -- (grabs another DVD off the shelf. A bag of pills falls to the floor) I'd completely forgotten about this one!

N5H: Yeah, that was quite the Salma Hayek phase you went through. See? I've even got your nostalgia for things that never really happened!

MTA: You know, I'm just not getting any work done here.

N5H: Work is for chumps, dude. Chumps! (Holds out the bong to MTA) Want some?

MTA: (Reaches for the bong, then stops himself) Nah. I've got a blog to write. (Accidentally knocks over a half-full bottle of Sambuca on the floor, which spills onto a stack of old comic books) This place is a disaster. But it's tempting to stay and hang out a while.

N5H: Pull up a chair! And about the cleaning: who do I look like to you, Saturn? If it feels good do it, I say. Cleaning? Doesn't feel good, so I don't do it.

MTA: I wanted to ask you about my ongoing insomnia issues. Normally a strongly-aspected Neptune would indicate too much sleep, if anything. But why --

(The distant thumping returns, a little louder. It appears to be coming from the vault door. The bar holding it shut jumps a little.)

MTA: Is there something you aren't telling me?

N5H: Yeah... I know why you don't sleep. (Looking at the television) The cartoon's over. (The enormous television falls silent, and it becomes apparent why it was on so loud. The metal vault door is being pounded on from the inside. A cacophony of sound issues from behind the battered vault door. Satan growls blasphemies. An air raid siren wails. The clown from Stephen King's "It" laughs menacingly. An angry Rottweiler snarls. Darth Vader's breath rasps. A bullying child taunts. Glass shatters as a head goes through it. A mocking SS officer shouts "Herzlich willkommen in Buchenwald, Zigeuner!" Each sound is distinct, yet melds into a whole: a sound like the hoarse shrieking of a baby left in a car with the windows rolled up on a hot summer day.)

MTA: What the hell...?

N5H: The Bad Things are here too. It's almost midnight. Time for them to come out. (N5H walks towards the vault and reaches for the bar holding it shut) Okay, okay, I know... you've been locked up for hours now. Hey Matt, you want to put another DVD in? I've got -- (N5H turns to where MTA was standing a moment before. He is gone, having run out the door he entered by. The notebook is abandoned on the floor.)

(Part of the "Personal Planets" series. Click HERE to collect 'em all!)

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Mars In Capricorn In The Seventh: An Interview

"Yet across the gulf of space, minds that are to our minds as ours are to those of the beasts that perish, intellects vast and cool and unsympathetic, regarded this earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely drew their plans against us."
-H.G. Wells

(SCENE: The Interview Room. MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER sits behind the desk. The door bursts open and MARS IN CAPRICORN IN THE SEVENTH enters, dressed in battered leather and sporting three days growth of stubble, giving off a very Mad Max air. MARS sits down at the chair in front of MATTHEW, parking his biker-boot shod feet on the desk)

MTA: Well... you're exactly on time.

M7H: I plan ahead. Let's get this candy-ass interview over with.

MTA: Ooookay. Are you usually this, um, charming?

M7H: I'm incredibly well behaved, usually. I'm just keeping an eye on you. Don't want you pulling a hatchet job on me.

MTA: Now why would I do that?

M7H: You might have your reasons. (Removes a serrated hunting knife from his belt, and shoves it point first in the desk) See? I'm not armed now. No need to be afraid, Nancy Boy. Go ahead, ask your questions.

MTA: Mars in Capricorn is generally considered to be an "exalted" placement... the most effective sign you can be in. And you're very strongly aspected in my chart.

M7H: Yeah, and exactly opposite Moon in Cancer. That's caused a few ulcers in my time, believe me.

MTA: But you're in the Seventh House, which is an awkward placement to say the least.

M7H: I admit it made the first marriage difficult. Also: I seem to like 'em a little feisty.

MTA: "First" marriage?

M7H: I haven't given up on a second one. (Pauses) It's a security issue.

MTA: Ah. You've certainly caused a few brawls in your time.

M7H: Verbal ones, mostly. The use of actual physical violence is a sign that you didn't plan ahead... that your opponent got the best of you. But a good verbal fight, if someone has it coming to them and your cause is just? Oh yeah. "To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting."

MTA: You've read "The Art Of War" by Sun Tzu then?

M7H: When I was twelve.

MTA: It's certainly a good thing you've got all that energy under control.

M7H: I've actually put it to good use. I was a shop steward once, you know. And that's not the only good use I've put it to over the years.

MTA: Really? What else?

M7H: (Standing up, removing his knife from the desk, and turning to leave) Haven't really got time to talk. But look up "The Multi-Orgasmic Man" sometime. It's another classic that's made my life a better place. (Pauses) I know you don't really want to mention that on your blog. But you got your little interview out of the deal, and I got a little advertising for myself out of it. Leave it in. Show some balls... or I will mess you up in ways you can't imagine, when you least expect it.

MTA: Hey.. what the hell? Are you looking for a fight?

M7H: No. Just looking to win. (Turning back before leaving) Besides, it's good for you too. Most of your clients are women, right? And who are most of their complaints about?

MTA: Men.

M7H: (Winks) See? When I'm plugged in, I'm good for business. Takes a thief to catch a thief, right? (Leaves, grinning)

(Part of the "Personal Planets" series. Click HERE to collect 'em all!)

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Saturn In Pisces In The Ninth: An Interview

"Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

-Fight Club

(SCENE: The Interview Room. MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER sits behind the desk. There is a knock at the door and it opens slowly, making a long creaking noise. SATURN IN THE NINTH HOUSE enters, dressed in long black robes, and walks slowly and deliberately to the desk and sits down. He produces an hourglass and places it on the desk.)

S9H: Hello.

MTA: Oh, ah, hello. I wasn't expecting you.

S9H: It's strange how no one ever does, isn't it?

MTA: I have to be honest with you: I don't quite know how to approach you. I mean we all know what you represent --

S9H: Limitations, structure, order, boundaries, bones and teeth, and so on. Yes. It's not the most exciting job in the Zodiac, being the designated driver.

MTA: Yes. In my birth chart you're in Pisces... with its reputation for dreamy spirituality, and you're in the Ninth House, representing the higher mind, philosophy, religion...

S9H: Don't forget Higher Education. Remember that screw-up that kept you out of USC Film School?

MTA: Yeah. I'd rather not be reminded of that.

S9H: There are many things your lot don't want to be reminded of.

MTA: What's that supposed to mean?

S9H: You lot. Spiritual people who like to think that everything is always nice and glowy and that all of life is hot and cold running Good Karma on demand, like we live in heaven all the time except when we go on vacation to a spa.

MTA: I'd like to think I'm not quite like that.

S9H: You'd like to think a lot of things about yourself. And when there's a disconnect between what we think and what really is -- (reaches out and taps the hourglass) like when you wake up in the morning and the wrinkles are deeper than you expected -- you all act so afraid. And when things get tight and they hurt, you all call your priest or rabbi or astrologer or doctor or psychic healer or Dr. Phil as if they can somehow barter with Fate for you. Hmph. Wishful thinking at its finest.

MTA: Man, that's harsh. And why did you call me "you all?" There's only one of me.

S9H: Because everyone feels me personally, but what I represent is far more universal than the taste in movies you get from Neptune, or how well you do at trivia quizzes because of your Mercury. I am The Material World. I am the things you are here to adapt to, to learn from, and to overcome.

MTA: But in the Ninth House, representing religion and spirituality --

S9H: Yes. And you are the most skeptical astrologer I've ever met. And for good reason... 90% of the astrology out there is crap.

MTA: I'm not sure the people reading my blog will be happy to hear that.

S9H: Maybe they will be when they realize that 90% of everything is crap. Everything. Medicine. Science. Religion. Food. Television. Relationships. That doesn't mean it doesn't work, though. And that doesn't mean you aren't a spiritual person. It makes you --

MTA: Practical? Grounded?

S9H: I was going to say "More like Dr. House than the average astrologer."

MTA: Thanks, I think. That's kind of a depressing view of life, isn't it?

S9H: Only at first. If you ever want to get to The Truth, you have to peel away the crap. Sometimes that hurts. It's all necessary though, if you ever want to be anything other than useless to yourself or anyone else. That's the way The Universe is, and always will be until -- (looks at hourglass, taps the last few grains out, and puts the hourglass back into his robes) -- your time runs out. (S9H rises and walks towards the door)

MTA: Wait! I didn't get a chance to ask any of the questions I wanted to!

S9H: (Without looking back) That's how I work. I don't answer questions... I present the circumstances that make you question. (The door slowly creaks shut behind S9H as he leaves)

(Part of the "Personal Planets" series. Click HERE to collect 'em all!)

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Mercury In Sagittarius In The Fifth, Retrograde, Conjunct South Node: An Interview

Do I contradict myself?
Very well, then I contradict myself,
I am large, I contain multitudes.

-Walt Whitman


(SCENE: The Interview Room. MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER sits behind the desk. There is a knock at the door and it opens. MERCURY IN THE FIFTH enters the room at a brisk pace and sits down in front of the desk.)

M5H: Hey! Yo! Guten Tag! Whassup?

MTA: Hello. You're a bit late.

M5H: Sorry, I couldn't find my keys.

MTA: I'm sorry, aren't you closely conjunct South Node? You came by yourself.

M5H: (Cocks his ear as if listening to something sitting on his left shoulder, then responds) South Node says he's a "shadow planet" in Vedic astrology and doesn't operate quite like the other guys.

MTA: Ah, I see. I'd like to ask you a few questions about your experience.

M5H: Certainement! I love a good question and answer session.

MTA: First of all, you're in the Fifth House. How do you feel this affects your self expression?

M5H: Oh, lots and lots of ways! Like for example, I can write Haiku at the drop of a hat:

Google hits are down
Blog written Sunday morning
Untalented hack.

See? I just made that up right now!

MTA: (clears throat) All right, then. I've noticed your placement, especially with the South Node, sometimes favours excessive drinking. Or drug use.

M5H: (Listening to the invisible presence on his shoulder again, then leans in and speaks quietly to MTA) Why? Whaddaya got?

MTA: Never mind. You know, Mercury in Sagittarius, being opposite Gemini which it rules, is generally considered to be a "debilitated" placement. Kind of scattered and imprecise. It has certain gifts though, like a talent for languages...

M5H: I disagree. My extensive search of the Rodden astrological database shows many important scientists, researchers, and writers have that placement. (searching through pockets) ¡Hijo de puta! Where did I leave those keys?

MTA: I'm sorry, I don't think this is getting me anywhere. You've been pretty scattered and unfocused.

M5H: (Listening to South Node again) We have an excellent collection of love letters we've written, you know. Would you like to see some?

MTA: Right... Fifth House. No thank you. You can go now.

M5H: (leaving angrily) Stinking gadjo!

(MTA returns to writing his notes. After a couple of minutes, the door opens again and M5H pokes his head in)

M5H: Umm... did I leave my keys in here...?

(Part of the "Personal Planets" series. Click HERE to collect 'em all!)

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Moon In Cancer On The Ascendant: An Interview

"It's a little Anxious," he said to himself, "to be a Very Small Animal Entirely Surrounded by Water."

-Piglet, Winnie The Pooh


(SCENE: The Interview Room. MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER sits behind the desk. There is a knock at the door and it opens just enough for MOON IN CANCER to stick its head in and look around furtively)

MIC: Am I next?

MTA: Yes. Actually, you're first. Come in.

(MIC enters and hesitantly takes a seat) First? Why's that?

MTA: Well, you are on my Ascendant.

MIC: (Smiles) Yeah, ask me how that feels sometime.

MTA: Actually that was my first question. How does that feel?

MIC: I... I don't like it. Not a very safe place to be. I'm not comfortable with it.

MTA: I wouldn't have guessed that from casual observation. Moon on the Ascendant has a reputation for being personable. Kind of outgoing.

MIC: (Excitedly) That's a huge scam, actually.

MTA: Really? I would have never guessed that. You seem cheerful and outgoing. You've probably had a lot of people suggest you should go into sales or something like that.

MIC: It's a cover. A huge one. You know... Cancer rules "coverings," medically speaking... like the sheath around the brain.

MTA: I knew that. I asked you here today to discuss your personal experience, and even this early into it, it's been very revealing.

MIC: (Checking to see if its fly is done up, nervously) Revealing? How? I don't like the sound of that.

MTA: It's interesting. Like, for example, the way you walk. It's kind of like...

MIC: Like Charlie Chaplin, six months pregnant? I know. I've been working on that my entire life. My parents were very critical of that. There were also critical of that nasal whiny five-year-old voice of mine... which again, I've struggled hard to overcome.

MTA: Ah, the parents. Bet there are some issues there.

MIC: I'd rather not talk about it.

MTA: But parenting is always an influence, and especially with Moon in Cancer. You mother, for example --

MIC: I said I'd rather not talk about it.

MTA: Okay. Cancer does have a reputation for defensiveness --

MIC: Part of that comes from childhood. I was a huge kid... at times approaching three hundred pounds.

MTA: Wow, that's... well, you don't look like that now.

MIC: I know. Four months of nonstop prescription speed and self-deprivation when I was fifteen. Somehow, I think I permanently re-wired my metabolism.

MTA: That's interesting. Why do you think your weight was like that?

MIC: The classic. Emotional issues. Of course that all stems from my upbringing.

MTA: Which of course you don't want to talk about.

MIC: Right. I actually have a tremendous memory for things in general, usually. And for emotional slights, real or imagined, most of all. And I'm willing to admit that sometimes they're imagined. (Looking around to see if anyone else is listening in) Truthfully, it's caused me a lot of pain over the years. I feel EVERYTHING.

MTA: That sounds terrible. How do you cope with that?

MIC: Through a rich fantasy life... and by empathizing with everyone to the point where their pain trumps mine. And I cry a lot. Sometimes I make myself cry. NEVER with anyone watching though. Movies usually do it. Do you have any idea how many times I've watched the last 15 minutes of Magnolia or Kundun? Or Silent Running?

MTA: The 70s sci-fi movie with Bruce Dern? The one with the three little robots?

MIC: Yeah. Works every time. "When I was a kid, I put a note into a bottle, and it had my name and address on it. And then I threw the bottle into the ocean. And I never knew if anyone ever found it..." And then that damned Joan Baez song. Works every time. (sniffling) Excuse me.

It's a handy trick really... provoking sadness when no one is around. It's like relieving pressure from a boil. I learned it at a young age.

MTA: I'll bet that has something to do with --

MIC: I don't want to talk about it!

(Part of the "Personal Planets" series. Click HERE to collect 'em all!)

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