Jupiter In Gemini In The Twelfth, Retrograde: An Interview (Sort Of)

"Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

I think so, Brain, but this time, you put the trousers on the chimp."

-Pinky And The Brain

(SCENE: The Interview Room. MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER sits behind the desk. There is a knock at the door.)

MTA: Come in.

(The door opens and a Marching Band files into the room. Instead of the usual brass instruments, woodwinds, and drums, they are equipped with harmonicas, kazoos, and washboards. They are followed by a Chorus of singers, dressed as fast food restaurant employees. Finally, JUPITER IN GEMINI IN THE TWELFTH enters, dressed in an improbably garish costume and carrying a wombat under his arm. J12H clears his throat and gestures to the band. They begin to play "The Major-General's Song" from Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Pirates Of Penzance." J12H sets the wombat down, which then stands on its hind legs, holding sparklers in its forepaws, and dances.)

J12H (singing):

I am your Twelfth House retrograded Jupiter in Gemini
I thought I'd take the time out just to drop in then I'd say "hi"
I'm complex to communicate but I will give it all a try
Here's hoping that you find it educational but not too dry
Although it is my job to be the king of Sagittarius
With Gemini results are often scattered and ridiculous
I have the attention span of approximately a tsetse fly
And it is my job to rule your Sun, South Node, and Mercur-eye!

CHORUS:

And it is his job to rule your Sun, South Node, and Mercur-eye!
And it is his job to rule your Sun, South Node, and Mercur-eye!
And it is his job to rule your Sun, South Node, and Mercur-ercur-eye!

J12H:

In your birth chart you will note that that I am quite unaspected
Scattering my thoughts about and common sense, it gets deflected
My zest for life I find it often outstrips all my cash supply
I am your Twelfth House retrograded Jupiter in Gemini!

CHORUS:

His zest for life, he finds it often outstrips all his cash supply!
He is your Twelfth House retrograded Jupiter in Gemini!

J12H:

You'll find I'm well versed in most matters that are zodiacal
Tropical, sidereal and sometimes heliocentrical
In rulership I command your liver, thighs and pituitary
All three of which you'll find are things that can get hairy
Your Mercury and I, we are in a mutual reception
And we rule each other, fuel each other, that isn't a deception
Amplifying each other's functionalities, we often say
I'm not sure what that means but we can talk about it all the day!

CHORUS:

He's not sure what that means but he can talk about it all the day!
He's not sure what that means but he can talk about it all the day!
He's not sure what that means but he can talk about it all the live long day!

(The Marching Band continues, but J12H gestures for them to stop, which they do. MTA stares disapprovingly at J12H.)

J12H: (Unimpressed) Well, you aren't much of an audience today, are you? I may not be the best-placed planet in your chart, but at least I have style. Hmph.

(The Marching Band files out of the room, followed by the Chorus. J12H bows theatrically, and also leaves. The Wombat tosses the burned-out sparklers aside and returns to all fours.)

MTA: That was just silly and scattered.

WOMBAT: I quite agree.

(Part of the "Personal Planets" series. Click HERE to collect 'em all!)
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