Friday, March 27, 2009

Sun-Mars-Saturn Square Neptune: You're Not Crazy... You're Just Glenn Beck

Dear Glenn:

Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to respond to my Amazing Surprise Forecast Offer. It is heartening that a big-time celebrity took time out of his schedule to write to a lil' ol' astrologer like myself.

There are two things I'd like to say about your birth chart. First of all, it says here you were born February 10th, 1964 in Mount Vernon, Washington. However you didn't forward a time of birth. That's okay. Even without a time of birth, there are some things that really stand out about your birth chart.

Your Sun-Mars-Saturn conjunction in Aquarius is really prominent. And it is squared by your natal Neptune. Now, there are those out there who might say this makes you crazy. I'm not one of those people. I know those weird close-ups on your eyes, your perpetually being on the edge of rage and/or tears, your throwing things at the camera, and your thoughtful opinions on Rod Blagojevich's upcoming book ("I swear to God, I am going to hunt you down and kill you like a dog") are merely a part of your persona as a serious, um, journalist.

The best thing about what you do though is, hands down, "War Room." In past I have been entertained by your denial of a human role in Global Warming, your tribute to the final days of Dubya ("a job well done Mr. President"), and your comparison of Al Gore to Hitler ("Al Gore's not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however. The goal is different. The goal is globalization. The goal is global carbon tax. That is the goal. Back in the 1930s, the goal was get rid of all of the Jews and have one global government.") Of all the talking heads on TV, yours seems to be the one that best understands that a day without a spurious Hitler analogy is like a day without sunshine. And that secret FEMA concentration camp for right-wingers? My great-grandfather would have loved that, had he not in fact been killed in an actual concentration camp.

But, "War Room"? Pure fantastic awesomeness! Taking paranoid right-wing delusions and projecting them into a future where "New York City looks like Mexico City" because everything is run either by The Government or Unions? This is exactly what the news needs. Investigation and research are... let's be honest here... boring. What the news really needs is more journalism of your kind. I am hoping that in future segments you and your Fox News consultants cover other vital areas of inquiry that the Liberal Media is afraid to touch. Things like "Superman Vs. The Hulk: Who Would Win?" and "Betty Or Veronica: Who Would America Rather Nationalize?"

And secondly... for God's sake (and mine), please: I'll do your forecast. For free! Hell, I'll wax your car for you. I just have one request:

Please, please, please... never say anything in public about being a "believer" in astrology. Someone might find out, and we astrologers need all the credibility we can get.

Yours truly,

Matthew Currie

PS: Did you know that Barack Obama was born with his Sun conjunct the asteroid Lucifer? Better find a Fox News consultant who can fill you in on all the spookiness that implies. Sorry, not me though. It's that credibility thing, you know.




Starry Night Astrology said...


At this point I'm not sure if you are fraking brilliant or off your nut, but as always you are entertaining.

Anonymous said...

Well said, MTA.

cimbalok said...

That Palin woman was born the next day, 2/11/64 not too many states away. Interesting!

Anonymous said...

Eagerly awaiting your next post!

Amy Herring said...

HA! Awesome. I was just wondering about Palin myself. What is it with those wacko Aquarians? ;)

Najanyx said...

Well, I don't know where he learned astrology, but Sun-Mars-Saturn conjunct in Aquarius square Neptune is not all fun and games. For one, the Sun affliction to Neptune is often indicative of someone that is weak willed (willing to cater to the interests of others), potentially dishonest, and who doesn't see himself clearly. That is not crazy.
The worst aspects of Aquarius, which Beck exhibits on most days, are gross manipulation of the masses and a lack of emotionalism. Sun-Mars-Saturn in and of itself can indicate an extreme inability to handle anger and instability. This is indicative of a a driven revolutionary; the worst case scenario is a revolutionary the destabilizes society. Given the implication of Becks chart, I would think that it might be better to inform him of his potential faults rather than flatter.

Matthew The Astrologer said...

I would have... but honestly, if the man goes around spewing stupidity like "Obama is a racist" and then refusing to back up why he said it... he's gonna listen to ME? :)

Anonymous said...

"For one, the Sun affliction to Neptune is often indicative of someone that is weak willed (willing to cater to the interests of others), potentially dishonest, and who doesn't see himself clearly. "

Like in the example of Barack Obama's sun square neptune?

Matthew The Astrologer said...

Somethings change, some don't. Like, Beck is still crazy, but...

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Matthew The Astrologer said...

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