The Astrology Of A Bellyache

It never ceases to amaze me how well astrology works... not just when it comes to relationships and such, but for everything.

Case in point: last Friday night after church services (which in my case, means watching the new episode of "Battlestar Galactica") I found myself craving something sugary, in much the same way that people often crave a cigarette after really good sex.

Yes. "Battlestar Galactica" really is that good.

There didn't seem to be anything in the kitchen, and I didn't feel like going out. Fortunately (or so I thought at the time) I found a package of Hot Chocolate cartridges for my Tassimo Coffee Maker.

(An aside: the Tassimo is a great machine. Kind of expensive for just a cup of coffee, but the pre-loaded cartridges make a pretty good cappucchino, without the hassle of actually buying a proper cappucchino machine and then doing all the work of foaming it up, et cetera.)

So I had my hot chocolate. After about twenty minutes, I began to notice certain digestive after-effects. Without going into graphic detail... I got sick as a dog.

Between trips to the bathroom, I decided to check out the Tassimo package for an expiry date. Sure enough... I had never noticed this before, but there was in fact an expiry date in tiny, obscure print on the packaging. In between bouts of, um, emesis, I was able to track down the shelf life of a standard Tassimo cartridge and work out a "birth chart."

We were definitely not compatible.

Tassimo Hot Chocolate cartridge, date of birth: March 7, 2007, time unknown, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada.

So here's how that Tassimo cartridge's "birth chart" interacted with mine, in terms of our "relationship":

The cartridge had Sun-Uranus-North Node conjunct in Pisces... conjunct my Saturn, squaring my Sun, and opposing my natal Uranus-Pluto conjunction. This also squares it's own Jupiter (good times), which in turn conjuncts my Sun (leading to excess). The Sun in my birth chart is in the 6th House, ruling health matters.

Its Venus (sweets) squares my Moon, Ascendant, and Mars.

Mercury and Neptune are conjunct in its chart, and are square my natal Neptune (Neptune rules, among other things, poisons). And of course, Neptune also implies the lack of realism required to completely ignore expiry dates.

The Tassimo cartridge's Saturn squares my natal Neptune, and its Pluto opposes my Jupiter.

So, two important lessons here:

1) The universal forces responsible for Astrology... whatever those may be... clearly have implications far beyond the petty details of one's love life or finances. One way or another... it really does seem that everyone (and everything) is, in fact, connected. Deeply and profoundly so.

2) Always read the damned label.

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