Thursday, March 19, 2009

Drunk Dialing With Venus Retrograde In Aries

(Scene: Matthew The Astrologer's bedroom. It is 4:23 AM. The phone rings repeatedly, and MTA's arm lashes out in the dark trying to find it. After a half dozen rings, he grasps the receiver and drags it back under the covers.)

MTA: ...hello?

VENUS: It's ME baby!

MTA: Wha.... who?

VEN: Venus! Your old girl, Venus!

MTA: Oh, uh... hi. Have you been drinking?

VEN: Not too much. I've been wanting to talk to you for ages now.

MTA: And you being drunk has nothing to do with it, I'm sure. How's the retrograde working out for you?

VEN: I have a bone to pick with you about that. Everyone wants to say I'm deblil--... debullet--... deboobliated...

MTA: Debilitated?

VEN: Debilitated in Aries, and retrograde, and everyone's picking on me for it. You're the only man who realizes that, Vedically, I'm actually in Pisces. And I'm exalted!

MTA: Yes, dear. You're not nearly as bad as everyone thinks.

VEN: Damned right! And I'm sick and tired of -- (there is a surprised yelp on the other end of the line, and a sound of clattering wine glasses hitting the floor)

MTA: Are you okay, Venus?

VEN: I retrograded over the cat and fell. Where was I?

MTA: You were saying something about how Venus Retrograde is the kind of time when people have a chance to review old relationships and re-evaluate the things that make them happy, and that (although it can be awkward) it's ultimately important... because it can be a chance to vanquish old emotional ghosts, or maybe re-evaluate what you once had but is gone?

VEN: Right. You're awesome, Matty!

MTA: Um, thanks. Just doing my job.

VEN: Oh, job! That reminds me... how's work?

MTA: Going pretty good.

VEN: Have you told people about that amazing Recession Buster Astrology offer of yours?

MTA: Not so far, today.

VEN: Get on that! I rule love AND money, you know. Well, sort of. That bastard Jupiter hogs a lot of the limelight. Speaking of money... where's my purse? The Booze Delivery Wagon is here...

MTA: You've got one of those there in the Zodiac?

VEN: I'm a Goddess, baby... I get everything.

MTA: So it seems this whole retrograde in Aries thing is working for you. At least you seem to be having fun with it...

VEN: Ugh, gotta go... I'm going to be sick...
(VENUS hangs up.)


Anonymous said...

Cracked me up! Thanks! In times like these, we need it.

Anonymous said...

Snorting and rolling with amusement. Thank you, MTA.

Anonymous said...

Aha, with all my Aries planets including my natal Aries Venus rx, I drunk dial everytime I am really drunk lol.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant and brilliant! Wish it was longer!

Anonymous said...

Love it! Very funny AND informative too. I'm having a lot of fun during this Venus Rx, btw. Sans men.


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