Showtime With Astrologer Maria DeSimone!

Insights, predictions, your questions answered, and all the stuff that makes Astrology both fun and functional.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!

And of course... free stuff for anyone who writes in. Listen for details!

One more thing? If you call in, we'd love to answer your questions, but try to be more polite than THIS guy, willya?

Conquer The Universe (And The New Year) TONIGHT!

I hope you're all able to drop by tonight and have a listen to the last "Conquer The Universe With Astrology" for 2010. We've all been through a lot in the last year... find out what's happening in 2011 with my guest Maria DeSimone of Insightfulastrology.com. We'll be delving into the future, answering your questions, and generally having a good time. Just like this...

...except with Astrology, instead of cheesy pre-teen moralizing.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN OR SET A REMINDER!

NEXT week: Jeff Jawer. Click here to set a reminder... it's gonna be a good one.

If you haven't listened in before, here's what you've missed, all available NOW!:

Your 2011 Forecast Part I and Part II!

Beliefnet's Lynn Hayes!

Astrologer and Love Alchemist Jessica Shepherd!

An hour of Astrology comedy... The Astrological Turkey Shoot!

Author of "Cosmic Karma" Marguerite Manning!

Mayan Astrology with Bruce Scofield!

Soulgarden.tv's very own Christopher Witecki!

And finally: hey, you like free stuff? Write me and get some!

Practical Astrology: How To Seduce A Scorpio Man The Easy Way

If you read the quick and easy guides to the Sun Signs you find at any typical supermarket check-out, you might get the impression that the best and easiest way to get a Scorpio man into the sack is to tell him in detail about your bondage gear, your prehensile tongue, or that drunken experimentation you did with your college room-mate.

Nonsense. Sure, Scorpios like sex, but they are subtle creatures too.

Here's how to bag that scorpion:

Proceed in the same way you would with anyone else. Let's say a nice dinner over lobster and wine... or tacos and mini-golf. It doesn't matter.

The one thing you should do to handle him slightly differently than other guys?

Make sure your bra strap peeks out. Or... if conditions permit... a thong strap. But not both. Preferably this strap should be red, or black, or some girly color. Or maybe a nice floral lace pattern. The point is to subtly draw attention to something that (theoretically) should not be visible.

Don't make a big deal out of it. Watch his eyes and see how long it takes him to notice this. Of course, if he is locked into making eye contact with you, you probably don't need my help. The second time you catch him glancing at your peek-a-boo lingerie show, subtly carry on with your conversation as you poke it back into place.

A few minutes later, move your shoulder enough to let it pop out again. Don't repeat this too many times... two or three times should be more than enough.

The point here is to let him know that you are a woman, and that there is more going on beneath the surface. Something that maybe you'd normally hide, but you are comfortable enough with him that you don't mind him knowing it. That, and there are only a few millimeters of fabric between him and The Promised Land. And if he plays his cards right, you'll give him a guided tour.

What you do with him after this is entirely up to you. He'll think that's all up to him... but of course, you and I know better.

Practical tips and guidance on lots of subjects... not just sex... on "Conquer The Universe With Astrology," available for free HERE!

Astro-Mood: December 29th, 2010

Saturn is "exalted" in Libra... which theoretically means it is in the strongest place it can be. Mars is exalted in Capricorn. Strong limitations... and strong impulses. And today, the two are square to each other.

Translation: it's King Kong vs. Godzilla, and unless you keep calm and think twice before you speak or act today, you'll be the star of this movie... and you get to play the role of "Downtown Tokyo."

Hint: they don't hand out Oscars for that. Watch your performance and dialog with others anyway.

(Listen to my show HERE, and write me HERE for your freebie!)

Astrologers Doing Business In A Manger

(It's Christmas re-run season, and here's mine. Check out my show and write me for your freebie! See you all in the new year!)

(Scene: The Nativity. Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar gather around the Christ Child. Mary and Joseph listen intently in the background.)

Balthazar: ...my major concern with this birth chart is that it shows potential for conflict with authority figures. You might want to teach him to be a little more respectful of Caesar, just to be careful. At least publicly.

Caspar: Don't be silly. He's a revolutionary, and the world needs more of that. This Jupiter/Saturn configuration, though... could be liver trouble.

Melchior: Look at the stare on this kid. He probably has something we haven't even heard of yet, right on the Ascendant.

Caspar: (chuckling) You and your undiscovered planets, Melchior. Seriously.

Balthazar: I think what we're trying to say here , Mr. And Mrs... (Looks back and forth at Mary and Joseph, who do not respond, but simply smile as if they know something the astrologers don't) ...um, Carpenter, is that anyone born into this world has to cope with certain inherent limitations. And a birth chart is like a road map to all of life's obstacles. And emotional issues!

Caspar: And medical problems!

Balthazar: So you see, although it does appear that your boy here is, in fact, some sort of a really special person, the indications are of a shortish life span... like maybe 35 years tops. And it's going to be a struggle. Like with authority figures.

Caspar: No real signs of wealth here either. And possible death by piercing or blood loss.

Balthazar: So we really recommend relocating the birth chart. You should consider a move to Gaul, or Germania, or something.

Caspar: His relocated chart to Hispania puts Venus on the Ascendant. He'd be a lot more popular with the girls there.

(Balthazar and Caspar turn to Melchior, who has fallen silent, staring at the baby)

Caspar: Melchior, you've hardly said a word. By this point you've usually told the parents all about the baby's future marriage and food allergies. What's the problem?

Melchior: It's just... the way this kid is looking at me. It's like... it's like He Knows Something that we don't.

(Balthazar and Caspar laugh uproariously)

Balthazar: You're such a cut-up, Melchior. We're the Wise Men. We're astrologers!

(Caspar leans in close to Melchior)

Caspar (whispering): Besides, look around dude. The kid was born with the livestock. Everyone wants to think their baby is the Greatest Thing Ever... but this one is an obvious non-starter.

Balthazar: Sorry folks, we have to move it along here. The Moon's nearly at the Midheaven, and we have a party to work at Herod's.

Your 2011 Astrology Forecast Part II, Tonight!

On "Conquer The Universe With Astrology":

LAST Thursday: we covered the big planetary movements in 2011 and how they'll affect you by your sign. If you missed it, you can listen HERE now.

TONIGHT: Part Two, where we go over your specifics, month by month!

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN OR SET A REMINDER!

The companion e-book is still available at Sasstrology.com  for only five dollars... put it together with tonight's show and last weeks' show, and it it's probably the best value going in astrology today. Hope to see you all there tonight!

Coming in the New Year: Michael Lutin, Jeff Jawer, Dr. Craig from "Millionaire Matchmaker," and a cast of thousands!

Astro-Mood: December 22, 2010

With the Sun, Mars, Pluto, and North Node all in Capricorn, opposed by Moon in Cancer, things can seem a little flinty and bogged down. But all that Capricorn is ruled by Saturn... which is in Libra.

Solution to your roadblocks? Understanding. Empathy. Partnership. For bonus points... try buying your roadblocks a couple of drinks and sweet-talking them. Your obstacles will yield soon enough.

Oh yeah. Yield, roadblocks, yield. You know I like it when you do that.

Your free 2011 forecast... and all my other shows... are HERE!

Information on consultations (and a freebie!) are HERE!

Larry King And Sarah Palin Explain Neptune In Aquarius To You

Think things get easier when Neptune enters Pisces? Listen to Part II of my 2011 forecast this Thursday and find out!

Your Free 2011 Astrology Forecast Tonight!

Aries and Libra: Major shifts coming to your love life!
Taurus and Scorpio: Where did all the sex and money go?
Gemini and Sagittarius: Things finally bust loose and go crazy!
Cancer and Capricorn: Your base is shifting. Keep up or get thrown off!
Leo and Aquarius: Unleash the power of your mind to blow up obstacles!
Virgo and Pisces: Wild times with money and sex!

All this and more coming up in 2011... get the advance word on "Conquer The Universe With Astrology: Your 2011 Forecast" tonight at 10 PM Eastern/7 PM Pacific, and available as a podcast shortly afterwards!

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN OR SET A REMINDER!

The companion e-book is HERE, for only five dollars... and you can use it all year long.

Information on readings and/or a FREE e-book? Write me HERE!

Conquer The Universe: Your 2011 Forecast TONIGHT!

It's the time of year when everyone is scrambling to pay bills, buy presents, and keep up with obligations to friends and family. One important detail can get lost in all that activity: there's a whole new year coming up.

TONIGHT: Your 2011 forecast by sign, plus your questions answered! Big stuff happening in the sky next year... make sure you know when to take advantage of good conditions, and be warned when the tough stuff hits.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN OR SET A REMINDER!

The companion e-book is HERE, for only five dollars... and you can use it all year long.

Information on readings and/or a FREE e-book? Write me HERE!

Astro-Mood: December 16th, 2010

Woo hoo! Over the course of the day, the Moon in Taurus is trine the North Node, Mercury, Mars, and Pluto, all in Capricorn. At long last, practical obstacles start to budge.

Yayyy! We're getting stuff done today! At last! And the Sun is square Jupiter and Uranus, so everyone's Ego is energized and ready to roll, too.

Now get the hell out of my way! And, get the hell out of everyone else's way too! NOW!

Contact me for a consultation, or a free e-book!

Astro-Mood: December 15th, 2010

With the Moon transiting through the second half of Aries, opposing Saturn around 10 Am Eastern (7 AM Pacific), but not  aspecting the North Node/Mercury/Mars/Pluto pile-up in Capricorn, there's a lot of unfocused emotion, and yet there is a big emphasis on practical matters too. I'm sure you won't be the least bit frustrated, especially if you're a Cancer or a Capricorn.

Or, in the spirit (perhaps) of the restaurant review pictured here:

There's a lot of "unfocused emotion," and yet there is a "big" emphasis on "practical matters" too. I'm "sure" you won't be the least bit "frustrated," especially if you're a "Cancer or a Capricorn."

Cancers and Capricorns, read the second paragraph and grit your teeth when you read the bits in quotations. The rest of you? Try not to annoy Cancer and Capricorn. They're ready to blow.

Astro-Mood: December 14, 2010

Today... from 10:57 AM Eastern (7:57 AM Pacific) to 2:32 PM (9:32 AM Pacific) the Moon in Aries will be square to the North Node, Mars, Pluto, and Mercury in short order. Here's some heartfelt and sincere advice on how to handle those conditions: put a sock in it. Seriously, folks: everyone is agitated and everyone has something to blow up over. Instead, you're better off focusing all that wild mental energies on your own issues.

And hey... be nice to the boss today. Real nice. Or else.

Contact me for a consultation, or a free e-book!

AstroloMe: Your Future, On An iPhone?

Have you ever lived with an astrologer, or been on a regular friendly basis with one? There's a real temptation to ask about your transits every day... or every hour. Consulting with an astrologer can be a great way to nail down the larger patterns that are happening at any given time, and during a consultation we can zoom in as much as you want on any given day and time... but to be honest, it's a lot of work to dissect every day on an individual basis. A good daily Sun Sign forecast can help, of course... but it still isn't as precise as looking at the transits based on your own individual chart.

I think I may have a solution to this. It's an iPhone app called Astrolome.

Astrolome works differently from any other astrology application I've seen before. For one thing, it's based on your whole birth chart, and not just your Sun. Second: you don't even need to know any astrology at all to use and understand it. If all the heavy jargon that comes with full-scale astrology is a little intimidating to you -- as it is to many -- you'll have no problem at all with Astrolome. I've been working with it for a few days now, and I'm genuinely impressed.

I hope all of you with an iPhone out there will try it, and get back to me about what you think. I really believe it's the kind of thing I've been looking for for ages now. And hey, it's free... and you know how much I love free stuff. Have you written me for your freebie yet...?

Wikileaks, Wikifear, And The Astrology Of Julian Assange

Join me Thursday on "Conquer The Universe With Astrology" and my special guest, astrologer Lynn Hayes. We'll be talking about what's coming up for 2011, and I'll be getting her opinion on what may be the biggest developing story of 2011... one which has already started.

You've already heard about Wikileaks and the huge embarrassment caused to the world's (well, mostly America's) intelligence community. Huge pressure has been placed on Wikileaks to put it out of business... dubious personal charges against founder Julian Assange, calls for his immediate termination (and no, I don't mean "firing"), and various attempts to cut off his funding.

But then.... PayPal went down. Mastercard went down. Visa went down. Angry mobs with torches -- the cyberspace version -- are hard at work. And Uranus The Rebel Planet hasn't even reaches feisty Aries yet. That happens in March 2011.

Another thing that is scheduled to happen in early 2011? Wikileaks releases its next big info-dump. This time: thousands of documents relating to American Banking.

If people could get this upset over diplomatic gossip... how are they going to react when they find the Enron-sized shenanigans that go into their credit card rates, and their mortgages, and financing the people who voted for more tax breaks for the ultra-rich?

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN OR SET A REMINDER

Here's the birth chart for Julian Assange... birth time uncovered by Mountain Astrologer Magazine:

We live in interesting times, people. And they're about to get a lot more interesting. Join Lynn and I Thursday for more, and write me for your freebie!

The Astrology of 2011: Full Moons And New Moons

Each Sign is going to be affected by a Full and a New Moon in 2011. Here are the dates for those:

ARIES: April 3rd (New Moon) and October 12th (Full Moon)
TAURUS: May 17th (Full Moon) and October 26th (New Moon)
GEMINI: June 1 (New Moon) and June 11th (Solar Eclipse!)
CANCER: January 19th (New Moon) and July 1st (Solar Eclipse!)
LEO: July 30th (New Moon) and August 13th (Full Moon)
VIRGO: August 29th (New Moon) and August 13th (Full Moon)
LIBRA: April 19th (Full Moon) and September 27 (New Moon)
SCORPIO: May 17th (Full Moon) and October 26 (New Moon)
SAGITTARIUS: June 15th (Lunar Eclipse!) and June 11th (Solar Eclipse!)
CAPRICORN: January 4th (Solar Eclipse!) and July 22nd (Full Moon)
AQUARIUS: February 3rd (New Moon) and August 13th (Full Moon)
PISCES: March 4th (New Moon) and September 12th (Full Moon)

...But how will those affect you as an individual? Well... have I got an e-book for you... for only five bucks!

Know nothing about astrology, but know that it works anyway? Know a little about astrology, and want to learn more while following your transits? Ever buy one of those Sun Sign guides and always wondered "what about the OTHER eleven signs out there?"

From Sasstrology.com:

"This 36-page ebook by Matthew Currie will give you an easy-to-use way to understand the major astrological forces at play in 2011: the aspects, the energies set up by planetary sign placements, and the lunar cycles and eclipses that often trigger major events. Best of all, it lets you know when to prepare, when to brace yourself, and when to take action to make your like a better place."

Every major event on the calendar is denoted with a number. That number lines up with an interpretation in the text. Find the day, look up the number(s) of what’s in effect… and there you have it! Mercury retrograde periods are also noted in highlighter.

If you know nothing about astrology, you’ll still be able to use the calendar. If you know a little about astrology, playing along and watching the transits will help you learn more about how astrology works, and the Astrological Mood-O-Meter will help you understand how transits affect yourself and others on a more customized, individual basis. And even if you are a full-blown astrologer yourself, the calendar section lays out the major activity in a quick and easy-to-read manner.

Understanding how all of the astrological transits that are happening in any given time can be really complex and confusing. In this book, I’ve presented them in what I believe is the most simple and easy-to-follow… yet accurate… format I can think of. If you’re a seasoned pro, it can serve as a gentle reminder of what’s coming up in the sky, and what you need to pay attention to. If you know nothing about astrology… well, I think I’ve come up with a format that will give you a previously unparalleled degree of understanding of how the transits affect you and everyone else around you… no astrological knowledge required!

***

Oh, and one more thing? Buy the e-book and then find me on Facebook, and I'll send you a freebie. Yes, really. Heck, write me and I'll send you a freebie anyway.

And... don't miss tonight's show!

Conquer The Universe with A Saturn Sister TONIGHT!

Tonight on a special Tuesday edition of "Conquer The Universe With Astrology," my guest will be Sherene Shostak! She's an astrologer, author, and one-half of the Saturn Sisters. She's written or co-written a number of books, creator of Constellationmag, and also co-authored a book about Dog Astrology.

I was actually a Dog Astrologer once myself, so if your dog has any questions, please have him or her bark them at us.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN OR SET A REMINDER!

PS: as always... if you write, you get a freebie!

Love, Astrology, And Alchemy!

Ever notice how the Universe occasionally conspires to make you wait for something important? You Big Moment, meeting your Soul Mate, or (in this case) having the previously-postponed Jessica Shepherd on "Conquer The Universe With Astrology"...

On tonight's show: an interview with Jessica Shepherd, Author of "A Love Alchemist's Notebook." Not only is Jessica an astrologer who knows a thing or two about thinking with your Venus... she's written a guide as to what you can actually do with it, in practical terms, to find The One!

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN, SET A REMINDER, OR LISTEN TO THE ARCHIVE!

10 PM Eastern, 7 PM Pacific. The Chat Room will be open a few minutes early... drop by before all the best hors d'oeuvres are gone.

Also tonight: your questions answered, so gimme a call! And as always... free stuff for anyone who writes me!

(And hey... that "thinking with your Venus" line? That was her, not me.)