Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Gentle Advice For Taurus



Dear Taurus: Yes, astrology is real. You asked this before when you started dating that cute but opinionated Aquarius, and now just look at what it's done to you.


Monday, November 19, 2007

Gentle Advice For Aries


Dear Aries: There is no cause for alarm. It's only been 25 minutes since you called for that pizza, and if it's more than another five minutes, it's free.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Pet The Goat: Be Nice To Capricorn

I've been looking at the upcoming planetary transits for the next few months. There's the usual mix of peril and opportunity out there, but I think I've already drawn one important conclusion:

Capricorn: you guys are going to get stiffed in the empathy-from-others department. Again.

Sure, the Sun, Saturn, and Uranus are all in helpful places for Capricorn right now. And even if they weren't, no one has a talent like Capricorn does for making things take root in the worst soil. But I've noticed over the years that if there's one Sun Sign that can get stiffed by transits and doesn't yell about it half as much as they should, it's the Goats.

Mars is going retrograde in Cancer... Capricorn's seventh house, ruling relationships. So while everything else appears to be working more or less on schedule, helping Capricorn build a solid, more reliable Tomorrow for Pluto to star screwing with next year... the love life appears to be lagging behind. This makes me a little sad, because I've always thought Capricorns were cute little things, like goats at the petting zoo. People generally agree with this assessment at first, until someone mentions bringing a goat home as a pet.

Seriously, though: I love you guys. Your just a sensitive as your opposite, Cancer, but manage to function in a dignified, orderly way... or at least you maintain the appearance of it, which is almost as good. On the inside, though? You're as messy as the rest of us... maybe a little more, because being a Capricorn is a little like being born wearing a pinstriped suit. You have the same needs as everyone else, but based on appearances, everyone assumes you showed up knowing how to change your own diaper. Efficiently.

Come to think of it, a lot of you out there look like you've got it together on the outside a lot better than you do on the inside. And that of course, is why I'm here.



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Thursday, November 8, 2007

The Mad Astrologer: Reality, Reshaped To Order

I've been following Pat's comments on the astrology of The Galactic Core (26-28 degrees Sagittarius) and what (if anything) is the significance of Pluto's prolonged stay there. I've always known it's significant, somehow, but I've always had a hard time pinning it down. Up until recently, the most I could get out of it was that it seems to appear a lot in the charts of science fiction and fantasy fans.

Current experience is teaching me the true meaning of this point in the sky, or so I think. Pluto is Transformation. The Galactic Core is, in a sense, the Center of everything in the sky, and thus astrology, and thus... life.

The planet of transformation is in a straight line with the Core. Connect those two points with a line, and that line proceeds straight to Earth. To you.

I normally take a very down-to-Earth, practical approach to astrology. After all, have you ever tried to "manifest" your way out of the ditch after a car has hit you? How well did that work? Frankly, in a situation like that, I'll take a decent paramedic over Gandalf The Grey any day.

But things are happening on a huge scale these days, for me and for a lot of us. So here is what I'm suggesting to all my dear readers and friends out there:

Today is not not a day to look at the sky and ask "why." Today is a day to look inward and ask "what do I want?" and be specific. Look around inside until you see the very specific, unambiguous details of what you really want.

Find that Truth, and shout it with all your might. Make a few demands. Stop taking prisoners.

Today: The Universe listens intently... so speak to it with Intent.



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Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Crazy/Genius: Prince The Gemini Is Both

Although Prince (formerly known as Formerly Known As) has been on the charts since the early 1980s, he continues to produce the same thoughtful, introspective, wildly shag-worthy music he always did. Like many artists (Cyndi Lauper comes to mind), he has produced consistently excellent work, but mainstream sales haven't always reflected this.

One thing most people don't know about Prince is that he is, at times, a business genius as well. After all, only a lunatic would give away three million copies of his new CD with the Sunday paper in London, right? That's even worse than not selling albums... that's guaranteeing a loss. The same would apply just as surely to Prince, who did just that a few years ago. Except of course afterwards he played twenty one sold-out concerts in London alone as a result.

I don't know how much you paid for concert tickets last time you went... but I'm willing to bet our Gemini (June 7, 1958, 6:17 PM, Minneapolis MN) friend made a mountain off of money off the deal.

So I have to wonder what's behind Prince's recent unprecedented Internet rampage to eliminate all unauthorized images of himself and all trace of his music. Being worried about losing out because someone downloaded your song for free is one thing... but demanding a woman remove her home video of a toddler dancing to "Let's Go Crazy"? Jeez.

Prince has Pluto right smack on his Midheaven, opposite his moon. Right there we have a recipe for emotional volatility, and given the Midheaven's involvement, this is going to come out in the career. This is the sort of guy who can pull off a genius marketing ploy like the London giveaway. This is also the sort of guy who, at the peak of his fame, could suddenly change his name to a weird symbol with no proper pronouciation, thus leading to a spate of "The Artist Formerly Known As..." jokes.

Transiting Pluto is trining that natal Pluto/Midheaven now. Normally, most astrologers would say that this is a time when Prince would be making radical moves for the better in his career. Trying to get rid of every unauthorized trace of yourself on the Internet is certainly radical... but I wouldn't normally think that threating your biggest fans with legal action is so good for business. Then again, I would have thought giving your album away was nuts. Either way, the Pluto transit is adding plenty of fuel to the fire. In time, we'll see whether the Genius or the Lunatic wins the battle, this time around. Although with Saturn currently squaring his natal Mercury... which also rules his Eighth House Sun... and transiting Uranus squaring that Sun... I think the smart money may be on "lunatic."

Since it's pretty much impossible to find any Prince on the Internet these days, here's a squirrel on water skis:


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Tuesday, November 6, 2007

The Bull By The Balls: A Taurus And Scorpio Love Story For Everyone


Above is a detail from a sculpture at the British Museum, depicting the legend of Mithras, who was the object of a Mystery Religion found throughout the ancient Roman world. In this legend, Mithras is frequently depicted killing a bull, and (in most cases)a scorpion is attacking the bull's cojones.

There are lots of places you can read up on the astronomical/seasonal significance of this central image of Mithraism. As an astrologer though, I have my own observations:

-It has been my experience that the upside of the legendary Taurus stubbornness is, literally, a refusal to die easily.

-Taurus and Scorpio are naturally drawn to each other, maybe more than most oppositions. Although one could make a case for that being because the signs are ruled by Venus and Mars, personally I think it's because both signs secretly love a challenge... frequently while they're complaining about how much they hate the challenge.

-Scorpios aren't afraid to go for the groin shot when it's going to score points.

Finally, and most importantly: those who seek True Love (or those who have It find Them) had better leave all their preconceptions at the door. You have some preconceptions about what sign he/she is, or his/her Moon sign, appearance, location, ethnicity, marital status, age, shoe size? Best give all those notions up now. When it hits, it hits.

And sometimes, if we focus on our preconceptions instead of what is True, it can be a huge pain in the balls. But it's always worth it.


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Monday, November 5, 2007

Transits: Awaiting The Divine Hammer Blow


Ask any medical student: at some point or another they all end up believing they have some strange monkey virus or something. It's virtually universal: you can only spend so long looking at the possible disasters before you start believing in one.

Astrologers are prone to this sort of thing too. One of the great joys in my line of work has been teaching it, and one thing I can count on is hearing from an old student, typing away at three in the morning, worried about the South Node conjuncting their secondary progressed Mercury during a void of course moon, or something.

As I write this, I am awaiting the transiting Moon In Virgo to conjunct with Venus... normally not a cause for alarm. But said conjunction will also be squaring Pluto, which is in turn is exactly opposite my natal Jupiter, which resides in the dark abandoned carnival ride that is my 12th House. And Uranus is conjuncting my natal Saturn. And Neptune is squaring my natal Neptune. And transiting Saturn is squaring my natal Mercury and Nodes. And transiting Jupiter is opposing my natal Sun. And...

And I'm reminded of how many times the little transits from the Moon and Venus are the first pebbles that start the avalanche.

I don't usually write that much about my personal life here -- it's barely my business, let alone anyone else's -- but I thought I'd make an exception today for illustrative purposes. Astrology is not supposed to be about cowering in terror, waiting for the Divine Hammer to fall. Just as paying attention to your health can lead to hypochondria, staring for too long at one's own birth chart can be a practice that goes wrong.

I mention all this simply because I want you all to be as relieved (yet unsurprised) as I am when I'm back here, tomorrow, in one piece... just like I know I will be.


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Thursday, November 1, 2007

Goldilocks And The Twelve Signs: The Pisces Guide To Compatibility


Once upon a time Goldilocks went to Speed Dating, sponsored by the National Oat Growers Association... so naturally porridge was involved. She sat down at the big, long table and prepared to receive her potential suitors.

Before anyone else had a chance to sit down, Aries zipped in and filled the chair in front of her. "Hey baby," Aries said, "try mine first!" Goldilocks tried his porridge. It intrigued her, but the flavor impulsively faded before she could really get into it. So she decided to wait for the next suitor.

Taurus came next. His porridge was smooth and comforting and sensual, and she really liked it. But then Taurus criticized her spoon technique, calling it ungrounded. This miffed Goldilocks to no end, especially when Taurus called her "ungrounded."

Then Gemini sat down. Gemini's porridge was full of interesting flavor combinations, any one of which would have been fine on it's own, but the saffron and marjoram covered up the comfort and warmth she was really seeking.

Cancer offered his bowl next. Goldilocks was intrigued by the depth of feeling Cancer put into his offering. The conversation went well, and Goldilocks suggested they meet again, But Cancer became too defensive and scurried off.

Leo came next. His bowl was hot and shiny and flavorful... as appealing as Cancer's, but more adventurous. But then Leo started telling her in detail how she was enjoying the wrong flavors, and how she didn't appreciate his technique, and moved on, flipping his hair as he left.

Virgo sat down and offered his porridge. It was delicious. "Why do you think so?" Virgo asked. Then Virgo asked what basis for comparison Goldilocks had, her experience with porridge, and the exact mileage to her home. Goldilocks felt interrogated and over-analyzed, so she ran out the clock with Virgo by discussing her health issues.

Libra sat down and handed over his porridge. It was smooth and sweet and Pisces really enjoyed it. Then Libra began to question why Goldilocks thought so, and why Goldilocks picked that outfit to wear today, then accused Goldilocks of being evasive when she couldn't answer the questions adequately.

Scorpio came next and offered his bowl. It was intense and affectionate and exactly what Goldilocks was looking for. Everything was going great until Goldilocks accidentally called Scorpio "Cancer." Scorpio sat up straight and spent the remainder of his time berating Pisces for being unfaithful, and criticizing Goldilocks' taste in foot wear.

Sagittarius came next. His porridge was warm and exciting, with an adventurous dash of curry. Once she finished, Goldilocks looked up from her bowl to ask for more, only to discover that Sagittarius had wandered off into the wine tasting next door, and was hitting on an ad executive from Cleveland.

Capricorn sat down and Goldilocks tried his porridge next. It was hearty and filling and good. Goldilocks asked Capricorn if she could see him again. By the time Capricorn finished delineating the cost of his porridge's ingredients, the time involved to make it, and how his portfolio was performing, Goldilocks had lost interest and felt a little sad.

Aquarius sat down and offered his bowl of porridge. His bowl was interesting and unique, and Goldilocks found it intriguing. Unfortunately, Aquarius didn't provide a spoon, so Goldilocks was unable to get into it in any real depth. The surface looked interesting, though. They spent the rest of their time staring at each other and then out the window.

Finally, Pisces sat down. Goldilocks was a Pisces too. This naturally started up a long conversation about their childhood dreams, last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy, and where the best place to get married would be. Unfortunately, when it came to setting up a second date, Pisces was just as scattered as Goldilocks, and nothing came of it.

Goldilocks stared out the window sadly. It had started to rain. Maybe she should just give up on the whole idea of ever finding someone whose porridge gave her the combination of strength, sensitivity, and romance that she was hungry for.

Just as she got up to leave, Aries zipped in and filled the chair in front of her. "Hey baby," Aries said...