This Is Not The Aquarius Guide To Compatibility

Dear Aquarius:

As you may have noticed, I've been doing a series on how the signs perform in their relationships with other signs. People seem to like this sort of thing, and admittedly relationship issues are the one thing I come across most often in the course of my profession. I have to admit, though: I was a little stumped as to what kind of approach to take with Aquarius. Frankly, I'm not the only one, as you may have noticed yourself.

An Aquarius is born with the knowledge (on some level) that the individual differences between us are like different songs playing on different radio stations at the same time. Even though you can only listen to one station at a time, you (above all others) realize that the same air is being pierced by hundreds of signals at hundreds of frequencies... each one carrying unique sounds. You are born knowing that, whereas most of the rest of us never even catch on that such a thing is happening all around us, all the time.

You have the same heart and feelings that everyone else does. The problem isn't you, in a sense: it's everyone else. Have you ever read what they say about you? That's you're so aloof and weird that it's hard to make a relationship work with you? What a load of crap. The big problem anyone has with a relationship with an Aquarius is that the others aren't used to listening to all those higher frequencies, literally or figuratively, like you were born to do.

Find a way to explain that to your partner in a language they understand, and all will be well.

Sure, I could give you the quick and dirty lowdown on how this man or that woman works with you. If I did, it would look kind of like this...

Aries: Fun but not always dependable or stable for you.
Taurus: Dependable and stable but sometimes not that much fun for you.
Gemini: Intellectually interesting but emotionally scattered. At least, by your standards.
Cancer: Emotionally interesting but intellectually scattered. At least, by your standards.
Leo: Fun, but wants to fight you for top billing. At least, by your standards.
Virgo: Caring but a little too conventional. At least, by your standards.
Libra: Sweet but unchallenging, or too challenging in their refusal to challenge you. At least, by your standards.
Scorpio: Emotionally intense, but doesn't know when to detach. At least, by your standards.
Sagittarius: A fun partner, but goes off on different tangents than yours. At least, by your standards.
Capricorn: Has emotional depth, but has a different game plan laid out than you do. At least, by your standards.
Aquarius: Beats the hell outta me! And that's by anyone's standards.
Pisces: Pleasantly mushy, yet unpleasantly mushy. At least, by your standards.

...and I could ornament it with some jokes and a funny picture, and we'd all have a good laugh. But none of that would actually address why you've come looking for a compatibility guide, would it? I suggest being Aquarian with this, and leap to the conclusion the rest of us would struggle a little longer to make: if you have a problem with X, go read X's entry in this series.

So: Let the Cancers and the Virgos and the Aries and such have their compatibility guides. Me? I'd rather give you something new and unique that you could really use.

Would you like a hug?

.

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Your Attention Please: The Capricorn Guide To Compatibility

Comrades:

Certain forces have conspired to, at times, deny Capricorn the love and romance that Capricorn requires to function as a powerful, independent entity. In order to more efficiently address this matter, you have all been assigned to one of twelve cadres. You will receive your final score when you return home, or to the factory, or to Re-Education Camp, where you will have a glorious time supporting our future triumph over the forces of solitude.

Aries: Your fire and passion are admirable, but it's so uncontrolled and undisciplined that there's a constant risk of you burning down what we've built. Go to the camp.

Taurus: Solid, dependable worker. Excellent at following the Party Line, but your focus on the comforts of life... including a slight tendency to stray... is worrisome. You may return to your home.

Gemini: Scattered. I have a hard time believing that you believe in the goals of The Party, given your fondness for enemy propaganda. Your charm is lovely, but it also makes me suspicious. Report to Camp!

Cancer: Sweet, moody, and defensive, just like me. With time and discipline, you could make Chairman. Just watch the overreacting with distance when I overreact to you with distance. Report to home.... and bake me cookies.

Leo: Completely counter-revolutionary. I understand the need to keep the troops entertained, but I always feel like the Andrews Sisters are still on stage with you when it's time to charge the enemy hill instead. You know where we could use talent like that? Camp!

Virgo: Excellent quality. Stable, intelligent, and efficient. However, you tendency to worry is worrisome to me, and makes me question your loyalty. But I know you don't mean it. Return home anyway, with an escort from Security.

Libra: Decadent! Completely unfocused on anything of real value to The Party. All this romance and sweetness is merely a cover for your desire to not take things seriously. The appearance of not taking it seriously enough is equivalent to lack of seriousness. Thoughtcrime! Report to Camp!

Scorpio: I admire your intensity, and how well-armed you are. That intensity can be worrisome though: it makes you prone to lashing out. A little time in the factory sewing cheap exports will perfect you. Once you've learned you're lesson... full parole.

Sagittarius: Once again, entertainment value is no substitute for ideological commitment. You have ideology certainly... it just isn't mine. And what you do have is shamefully disorganized. Thank you for the attempt at amusement. Camp!

Capricorn: Solid and dependable, just like me. Secretly sweet too... just like me. Truly an equal. the only problem here: do you recall being told this was a democracy? No, neither do I. Allow me to demonstrate. Go to the factory!

Aquarius: We're so completely different that it's hard to see how you can fit into the society I have planned for you. But you're dedicated to a higher goal too, so you may report to the factory. But sit right under Surveillance Camera Twelve.

Pisces: Your emotionality isn't my usual style, but this foreign technology called "compassion" you possess is of great interest to The Party. In time, it could be forged into a powerful weapon of romantic victory. Report to home, and stand by for further compliance.

There will now be a period of illustrative musical entertainment. You are instructed to enjoy this.

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They're Off And Running! The Sagittarius Guide To Compatibility

Sagittariuses are always being accused of treating their love lives as if they were a sporting event, rather than like love lives. And why not? There's anticipation, competition, and... more often than not... someone loses. So in that spirit, here's the handy Sagittarius race card for who's in the running, with odds of a win. No horse in this race is a guaranteed winner, but some bets are a lot safer than others. Then again, no guts, no glory...

Here are today's odds on a winning relationship for you, Sag:

Aries and Leo (3:2 odds): A fairly safe bet. Popular favourites, both these Fire signs have the sport you require. You may find Aries is awfully hard to steer into the chute, and Leo is sometimes more interested in being a show pony than a race winner.

Gemini (3:1 odds): Quick, responsive, and sporty... much like yourself. This is a pairing that often has people saying "oh gosh, you two are perfect for each other!" The problem is that despite the horseplay, deep down you have a thick, chewy philosophical center. You may never get past the sneaking suspicion that, with Gemini, it's question marks all the way down...

Libra and Aquarius (4:1 odds): Both good bets, overall, with proven records of performance. Generally pleasant to get along with. Libra sometimes has a preference for standing there are just looking pretty when the bell rings. Aquarius is a bit of a rebel, and you like that... but sometimes it's hard to figure out what they're rebelling against. It may be you.

Virgo and Pisces (5:1 odds): Both unusual choices: the squares to one's own sign aren't where you usually look for a safe relationship bet. But both of these tend to outperform in long muddy stretches, compared to their reputations. Who knows why? You probably just love the challenge. Pisces is sometimes lacking the horse sense you require in a mate, and Virgo on a bad day? Nag, nag, nag...

Taurus (6:1 odds): A bull... not a horse. This can lend a lot of stability to a relationship... something Sagittarius usual forgets to bring to the table. Pleasant and generally kind... but if you were expecting to saddle up a Bull and get anywhere quickly... you're in the wrong race, pal.

Cancer (8:1 odds): Jupiter rules Sagittarius, and is exalted in Cancer. Theoretically, this should make for great mutual joy and a solid philosophical relationship. The problem here is that crabs are designed to withstand accidental trampling... but they're always waiting for it too. And you'll provide it... probably by accident. So long, Crab.

Sagittarius (9:1 odds) SAG 1: I'm having a great time! SAG 2: Me too! Did you remember to bring the stability? SAG 1: No dude, I thought you had that covered. SAG 2: And, damn, we're outta beer. SAG 1: It's okay, I'll go to the store and get more. SAG 2: You aren't coming back, are you? SAG 1: Probably not. SAG 2: Okay. Later, dude...

Capricorn (10:1 odds): Obstinate, stubborn, and although they can have a fiery temperament, that fire doesn't seem to be fuelling anything visible, a lot of the time. They can provide a valuable stabilizing, steering force in your life. Do you need that? Hell yeah! Do you like that? If your answer is "yes," it's time for the veterinarian to cut back on your tranquilizers.

Scorpio (15:1 odds): They have all the intensity and focus you lack. Of course, you never really asked for intensity and focus. or you did, and it just isn't your style. They like sex though, and you do too. A sure winner... provided all the other horses break their legs first, and Scorpio doesn't break yours.

Oh, and one more thing, Sagittarius? You've already got a bad enough reputation for running around on your relationships. Don't go betting on the trifecta, okay?

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Pluto. Galactic Core. Me.

For the next day or so I'd like to commend you all to the good graces of Pat Paquette's blog, The Pisces Chronicles. She has some very intelligent sounding things to say about this weeks conjunction of Pluto with the Galactic Core.

I say "intelligent sounding" because this particular conjunction takes place closely opposite my natal Jupiter, and I'm not currently in a position to understand much of anything. Except, of course... it's having a real effect on me personally.

See you in a few days, when my capsule lands...

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CSI: Romance - The Scorpio Guide To Compatibility

There's a mystery to be uncovered here. A blow to the heart... an intense, passionate experience causing shortness of breath, rapid irregular heartbeat, and a flood of endorphins throughout the nervous system, clouding judgement. Although it's enticing, you can sense the ever-present spectre of danger... and that only increases your curiosity.

Congratulations! You're a Scorpio in a relationship! Here's what you can expect...

***

Scene: The Las Vegas Coroner's Autopsy Room. Chief Investigator Gil Grissom and coroner Dr. Al Robbins stand over the badly-mangled body of an adult male.

DOC: Victim was a white male, approximately 35 years old, name unknown. A Scorpio.

GRISSOM: How can you tell?

DOC: We found this medallion on the victim. Also, this scorpion tattoo. Scorpios love that stuff. There's little sign of struggle... we can presume the victim knew his assailant. Probably someone he was in a relationship with.

GRISSOM: A Taurus?

AL: That's a common guess... but notice the large chest wound. Tauruses are steady and sensual, which would explain the relationship, but their killing technique is usually through stubbornness... refusal to budge.

GRISSOM: Another Water Sign, maybe?

AL: Good possibility of it. They have the emotional depth a Scorpio is looking for. But I'd expect the body to be more weighed down with the assailant's emotional baggage if it was a Cancer, and there's no mawkish sentiment filling the lungs, so it wasn't the usual Pisces drowning.

GRISSOM: It could have been a Capricorn.

AL: Yes. Scorpio's seem to find them sexy, but there's limited bruising here. Capricorn usually kill their partners by battering them to death with their inflexibility. Like Taurus, only edgier.

GRISSOM: An Aries, maybe? They're both Mars-ruled, they both love excitement...

AL: And Aries doesn't usually have the patience for Scorpio's caution and analysis. Although admittedly the passion and potential violence of Aries and Scorpio together is noteworthy.

GRISSOM: It could have been another Scorpio.

AL: I doubt it. They cling on to each other passionately enough, but Scorpios usually bury their flaws... and their victims... deep enough for no one to find them until it's too late. This guy was found on his couch. Notice the tissue under the victims fingernails: it matches the scarring around the ears. It's self-inflicted.

GRISSOM: Like he was trying to claw out his own eardrums. Maybe a Gemini or a Virgo, then. Scorpio's love watching the thought processes those two have, until the talking has gone on too long.

AL: Good point. But I'm not sure a relationship with a Gemini would have the depth our vic was looking for, and the vic's eardrums aren't swollen from the debating. I did a swab of the genitals... no recent sign of sexual activity. Scorpios usually go ape for Virgos that way. Death by nagging is the Virgo style, though.

GRISSOM: Sagittarius? Libra?

AL: They both have their charms, but I'm not sure either one has the depth Scorpio is looking for. At least they don't usually act like it enough to Scorpio's liking. No glucose poisoning, which is Libra's usual m.o., and no hoof marks from a Sagittarius stampeding away, which they usually do quickly.

GRISSOM: I suppose the logical place to look then would be with Scorpio's least compatible signs... Leo and Aquarius.

AL: Aquarius is usually too hard to pin down for a Scorpio... which can be intriguing, but Aquariuses don't usually kill off their victims so dramatically. They prefer to remove their partners through diffusion in abstract thought processes. A Leo certainly has the passion a Scorpio wants, but the Leo usually kills via self-importance and/or pomposity. I dusted for pomposity... none present.

(CSI agent SARAH SIDLE enters, waving a note)

SARAH: Gris, we found this note at the crime scene!

GRIS: You mean...?

SARAH: He did it to himself!

GRIS: We usually do, Sarah. We usually do.

.

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True Tales Of Teen Heartbreak: The Libra Guide To Compatibility

You hear a lot that Libras are all about the romance because it's a Venus-ruled sign. I'm not sure that's entirely the point. I think most people are suckers for a good romance story, with all the twists and turns required for Boy to finally be with Girl. And Libras love the "love story" part of Love. That's probably why you find so many Libras who have an interest in astrology... it's like one of those "making of" documentaries on a romance movie DVD.

Here are the payoffs and pitfalls of Libras relationships with the other signs, expressed in terms those lovers of love will appreciate. Something that captures all the vibrancy and willful disregard for reality that Libras crave.... romance comics!

ARIES: Pretty exciting stuff. Adventurous, motivated, and straight to the point. The problem is that even the best road has a couple of unexpected potholes... and Aries is just exciting enough to make you forget to put your helmet on.

TAURUS: They love the lovin' just as much as you do... and who couldn't love that? The problem: you love to be loved, but not necessarily possessed, and certainly not ordered around.

GEMINI: Charming. Witty. Fun. Affectionate. There will never be any doubt in your mind that Gemini loves you, except on the days his identical twin The Jerk shows up.

CANCER: Great depth of emotion. Tremendous power when in love. But when they cling to you... or when they think you're sneaking out to flirt with other boys... ouch!

LEO: Great fun. Terribly romantic. Irresistibly kitty-cuddly-cute when they put their mind to it. But notice how their picture is the biggest one in this article? That was Leo's idea, baby. Get used to it.

VIRGO: Admittedly they can be charming, and the things that logical little mind of there's can come up with are adorable. But let's be honest: some days they just aren't that romantic at all.

LIBRA: Okay, show of hands: how many of you out there can name a romance story you loved where two people who are completely different end up together anyway? Okay, now... how many of you can name a romance story you loved about two identical romantics who got together, everything was just great, and they spent the rest of their lives that way? Yeah, thought so. Romance is as much about the differences as it is about the similarities.

SCORPIO: Such passion! Such intensity! Such bruising when they slip and completely forget that a relationship is about compromise!

SAGITTARIUS: They're a lot of fun. They know how to have a good time. You'll like the playfulness. But will you ever get past that nagging notion they're just horsing around with the relationship instead of taking it seriously?

CAPRICORN: The good news: He's solid. He's dependable. He's determined and hard working. The bad news: this is the guy your Mom wanted you to marry. How appealing is that?

AQUARIUS: He has a light touch. He's interesting, intelligent, and different. The problem here is that he's on his own world half the time... not yours.

PISCES: What started out as a refreshing dip into the deep waters of Lake Dewey-Eyes can quickly turn into being surrounded by weird, creepy things that don't even breathe the same way you do. And believe me... on a bad day, you'll want to come up for air.

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The Virgo Guide To Compatibility, Within A Tolerance Of ±0.2 Millimeters

INITIAL CONDITIONS:

Humans are driven by biosocial factors to pair-bonding. Further, the efficiency of each bond ("compatibility") is variable with each individual involved, in part due to personality-based initial conditions ("Sun Sign"). Virgo attempts to place this within a rational context and draw accurate conclusions.

HYPOTHESIS:

Virgo can find true love within the confines of an imperfect world. Based on broad personality data gathered by Sun Sign. it is projected that the relative probability of success in a pair-bond can thus be projected on an a priori basis. Each potential partner is evaluated on a scale of 0 to 1 as a function of probable incidence of harmony (on a per incidence basis).

DATA:

Taurus and Capricorn (0.8/1): Perform well under stress; high tensile shear resistance. Partner malleability is occasionally impaired when reconfiguration is required. Reconfiguration will likely be proposed based on their data set, not yours. With practice, excellent subject conformity to relationship guidelines.

Cancer and Scorpio (0.75/1): Both require some cleaning. Generally sound emotional depth, but both filter their data via emotional factors more than Virgo, and can be resistant to probing. Hardened shells may be difficult to open, but can reward the effort. Emotional slipperiness can occur. Wear rubber gloves.

Pisces (0.7): Highly sensitive to contamination, like yourself. Highly suggestible, unlike yourself. A lack of detail and definition can be frustrating to the researcher; however, emotional appeal can be highly catalytic. A great deal of net-casting is often needed to collect accurate emotional data.

Sagittarius and Virgo (0.65/1): Both signs demonstrate a sympathetic knowledge for further life data, but are likely to use entirely different experimental models than the researcher, making for potential translation problems. Theoretically shouldn't work, but often does anyway. This requires further research.

Aries and Aquarius (0.6/1): Difficult, volatile substances which come with certain containment hazards. One is highly explosive, the other is often too neutral to form a reaction. However, once proper procedures are in place, this can (paradoxically) make long term bonding possible. Not what you expected... but possible.

Leo and Libra (0.5/1): Constantly changing emotional states lead to initial exhilaration, often followed by exhaustion on the researcher's part. Lack of stability is made up for by shininess and willingness. Outcome of experiment difficult to predict, therefore the researcher may wish for more stable materials to work with.

Gemini (0.4/1): Comparable to positronium, an exotic matter-antimatter combination. Appealing as a potential source of tremendous energy, but likely to become explosively unstable under extensive probing. Wear safety goggles.

CONCLUSION:

Nothing in life is perfect, not even Love. Nonetheless, this knowledge does not make the issue go away. It is recommended that Virgos collect further data and reach their own conclusions in this regard.

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Overture, Curtain Lights: The Leo Guide To Romantic Compatibility

Welcome to the twelve-screen multiplex of Love. Today we're going to see if we can successfully hook our friend Leo up with the man/woman/movie of his/her/its dreams. And if you're a true movie fan, you know that the right review from the right critic can improve your chance of being really entertained... despite the sticky floor and overpriced popcorn. Of course, even your favorite film critic can get it wrong once in a while... and what's more fun than uncovering an under appreciated cinematic gem?

Tickets, please...

NOW SHOWING:

Blaze Of Love (Aries and Sagittarius): Action! Suspense! Romance! This one has it all. Aries can't help but overact a little, and Sagittarius is all exhuberance and no technique, but with a little editing this one could have been perfect. Big thumbs up! FIVE STARS.

C'est Moi, Mon Amour (Leo): An intense and compelling tale with few flaws. The main flaw here is that the romantic leads keep acting like it's just their movie. A bit sappy for some people's tastes. FOUR STARS.

The Mirror Has Two Faces (Gemini and Libra): Playful and romantic. The fast-paced but occasionally erratic screenplay keeps things moving at a furious clip. The perfect way to while away an evening. Occasionally thin characterization leaves some doubt as to whether or not the energy can be maintained for the planned sequels. THREE AND A HALF STARS.

I Married A Martian (Aquarius): An obscure yet compelling opening leads the audience into a wonderland of surprises, romance, and culture clashes. The director's detached approach can be frustrating for the summer-romance-movie crowd. The special effects are amazing, but at times you'll crave the human element more. THREE AND A HALF STARS.

Pinchy And The Drain (Cancer): This fish-out-of-water comedy/romance/buddy movie works better than you might expect. The film bogs down at about the two-thirds point in maudlin sentimentality. Affectionate, wants to reach out to the audience, but at times you'll wonder about character motivation, and not necessarily in a good way. THREE STARS.

The Sting III - Ouch! (Scorpio):A confused tale of a carefree organ-grinder's monkey and the researcher who loves it, yet wants to dissect it. The two are strangely compelled to each other, and it all plays out in a painfully predictable ending. PETA protested on opening night, and you may too before it's over. Warning: extreme gore. TWO AND A HALF STARS.

Warm Heart, Clean Fish (Virgo And Pisces): This tale of an obsessive-compulsive fishmonger and an alcoholic marine biologist starts out promising. Sometimes when a director juxtaposes two incompatible characters it's a classic buddy movie; this one's just all wet. Sweet, but never seems to really gel into a coherent storyline. TWO AND A HALF STARS.

Pamplona Or Bust (Taurus): Slow-paced and frustrating, yet packed with explosions and car chases. This film knows what it wants right from the opening credits and won't let go, which is not necessarily a good thing. You'll wonder what karma made you pick this instead of one of the comedies. A tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury; signifying nothing. TWO STARS.

Death On A Glacier (Capricorn): Challenging and surprisingly complex. Not for the faint of heart. This one is a tough climb right from the start. The director seems unsympathetic to his characters, yet there is a point to it all. You just may have a hard time sitting through 90 minutes of frozen wasteland and flat dialogue to get to it. ONE STAR.

Of course, all decent movies have a character overcoming some challenge or another. And this cineplex offers twelve screens full of challenges, each different. Besides, you love movies. Even the bad ones, sometimes...

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Miss Crabtree's Old-Fashioned Grade Six Schoolmarm Guide To Cancer Compatibility

Hello, children, I'm Miss Crabtree, your Compatibility teacher this semester. We're going to do things a little differently this year. I'm going to be handing out your grades at the start of the class, based on how easy or difficult it's going to be for me to get along with you. Stop fidgeting, Leo! You can bring your mark up with hard work. I'm not going to just hand any of you a passing grade. Okay... I just did that with most of you. Spit that gum out, Capricorn! I'm sure I'll enjoy this experience with all of you though, and so will you. Otherwise, you can take your sass to the Principal's office.

Scorpio and Pisces: You pay attention in class and work well with me. Scorpio, you have a real tenacity that I appreciate, especially when it comes to me. Excellent note-taking. Watch the frustration with the tougher tests, though. And Pisces, you are just so sweet! Always a joy to have in class. Try to borrow some of Scorpio's focus though, would you? Your attention is drifting too much. A+

Taurus and Virgo: You're both solid, determined and reliable. You always get to class on time. Taurus, I really like your affection and sensuality, but your stubborn resistance to learning new material lost you a mark. Try harder. Virgo: nice job of showing all your work on the test papers. But could you please try to look like you're enjoying being here more than you do? More enthusiasm, please. A

Capricorn: You're a good solid student. My only problem is that this is Relationship class. Close your History text... I know there's a test in an hour, but your eyes are supposed to be on me now. Me. Less seriousness, more involvement here please. B+

Leo: Honestly, I don't understand why you're here at all. You never focus, you're always clowning around, and it's very distracting. Good thing for you we find each other inexplicably adorable. Should I spell "inexplicable" for you? Your spelling is criminally sloppy. B

Gemini: Improvement needed. Your brightness always contributes to the class, but I have this strange insecure feeling you're always looking out the window at the playground when my back is turned. And sit up straight! And turn off the IPod when I'm talking to you! C+

Sagittarius: You walk in here like you're the teacher. Well... you aren't. I am. Quit grinning at me like that! Are you taking this seriously? You're always fun to have around at recess, though. It's too bad that "recess" doesn't count for any of your final mark. C-

Aquarius: Listen, Aquarius. This is an elective course. Quit acting like you're here because of a court order! You look like you're taking notes, but with that shiny new laptop of yours, you could just as easily be playing games on there. Have you heard a single thing I've said here? C-

Cancer: I'm too defensive? No, you're too defensive! I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall with you sometimes. What do you mean, "I'm the brick wall?" That does it. Go to the Principal's office. There's only room enough here for my crabbiness. D

Aries: Aries? Aries? Has anyone here seen Aries today? Oh, there you are out on the playground. Aries, get in here!! Yes, it's time for Relationship class. No, you're watch isn't right, mine is. It's not time for PE. What? What did you just call me, you little...? D

Libra: You're so sweet, and you normally excel at this class. Bringing me the apple was a nice touch. But when I correct you, that's no excuse for a crying jag that disrupts the entire class. And no I'm not an "insensitive jerk" with you, Libra. Yes, I saw that note you passed Aquarius! You're normally so good at this class, but I'm not seeing any proof of effort on your part at all. I require effort! F

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Should I Stay Or Should I Go? The Gemini Guide To Compatibility

Welcome back to the exciting final round of "Should I Stay, Or Should I Go?"

Today's contestant, Gemini, is on the verge of walking away with the Grand Prize... true love! Now Gemini, all you have to do is answer one question correctly. The cash value of the question represents the degree of difficulty involved. Naturally, you might want to pick an easier Sign... but playing it safe all the time didn't get you as far as it has.

LIBRA ($200): If someone wants to go the same direction you want to go, but you're always going in two different directions at once, can they keep up?

AQUARIUS ($200): There's no question that you can be cool and dispassionate when you want to, knowing your partner will appreciate the affection when it comes later. But what if your partner has a chill schedule of his/her own?

ARIES ($400): If a train leaves Chicago traveling east at 50 miles per hours, and you want to go west, are you going to end up under this train instead of on it?

LEO ($400): If fun and passionate meet materialistic and possessive in a dark back alley, who will win the knife fight? And are you the darkened back alley?

SAGITTARIUS ($400): If two freedom fighters team up, and one of them changes flags every other day, how long until the two freedom fighters end up shooting each other, even by accident?

GEMINI ($600): If two people manage to travel in four directions at once, will either of them end up getting anywhere together, or everywhere?

VIRGO ($600): Emotionally, is X greater than Y, if Y equals Virgo? Solve for X. Having fun yet? Didn't think so. It's supposed to be a romance, not a math problem.

TAURUS ($800): If slow and steady wins the race, will you get tired of the prize and want to take up poker before you get to the finish line if you're riding a Bull?

CAPRICORN ($800): If a hot air balloon has a relative weight of -50 pounds, how many boulders will a Capricorn pile on to ground it until the balloon turns into just an empty bag that doesn't fly?

CANCER ($800): Which lasts longer: Cancer's ability to dive deep into the dark waters of over-emotionality, or your ability to hold your breath while they drag you down with them?

SCORPIO ($1000): How many times per day do you need to be told to mentally and verbally "get to the point" before you trade in your honeymoon tickets to Hawaii for a bus ticket to Anywhere But Here?

PISCES ($1000): (Two part question) 1) A bird may love a fish, but where would they live? 2) How long will it take two birds to either eat two fish, or drown?

Go ahead, Gemini... pick a Grand Prize question. Or. if you prefer, just spin the wheel. That approach seems to work for you too...

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Sowing The Seeds Of Love: The Taurus Guide To Compatibility

A Taurus, whether a man or a woman, has a reputation for not rushing into things. Of course when the heart calls, a Taurus responds just as quickly as anyone else. But how to nurture that relationship properly, and how to tell what kind of an emotional investment you've made? Will it be delicious, beautiful... or just a weed?

Here's a handy guide to your relationships, Taurus, based on how much work you'll have to put into them. Even the hardiest perrenials need some tending, and even the most difficult patch of soil can be made to sprout something beautiful. But some of those patches of soil are a lot easier to work than others...

RICH, DARK SOIL: The other Earth signs (Virgo and Capricorn), Cancer, and Pisces. These spots in the garden aren't going to need a lot of tending. Rich in emotion, yet cautious like yourself. A good long-term investment of your time and energy. Virgo may not always show as much blossom as you like, Capricorn sometimes has trouble taking root deeply, and Pisces tends to wander all over like a vine. Cancer has good tenacity, but needs encouragement to sprout.

FERTILE, BUT REQUIRES A LOT OF TENDING: Another Taurus or Scorpio. You'll probably have fun with these, but they're going to take more work than the average. Another Taurus may sound like a natural, but they can be as stubborn as you, and do you need more of that? Scorpio brings some dynamic blooms, but you may find it leeches too many nutrients from your soil.

SHADY, REQUIRES EXTRA FERTILIZER: Libra and Sagittarius. Like you, Libra is a Venus-ruled sign. This should make the two of you perfect, but Libra needs more attention than you might be ready to give it. As for Sagittarius: it's not the sort of thing you'd ever actually plan on planting, on the face of it... but it seems to work anyway. Bright foliage makes up for all the weeding and wandering into the neighbor's plot.

REQUIRES INTENSIVE WATERING: Aries and Gemini. These astrological neighbors can be appealing, but take a lot more work than most for you to maintain. Aries is always looking for a hotter climate to sprout in, and Gemini puts down its roots where you want them to go... and everywhere else, too. Neither one takes well to being pruned.

A TOUGH ROW TO HOE: Leo and Aquarius. Leo can make a flamboyant centerpiece to any garden. It's just that their wild impulsive growth spurts make them hard to manage, and the huge blooms distract from why you wanted a garden in the first place. Aquarius, like you, grows at its own pace, but you may end up accidentally fertilizing it to death trying to make it grow your way... something Aquarius just won't do.

No matter what relationship you find yourself in, there will be work. And there will be rewards. And as these things go, Taurus, some cliches are true. In romance, you really do have a green thumb!

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Is Astrology Evil?

Well, maybe not entirely...

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Love Is A Battlefield: The Aries Guide To Compatibility

(click for an enlarged battle map)

As much as a cliche as it might be, I still find that when an Aries approaches me about their love life, the question may be "Is so-and-so my soul mate?" or "Should I continue to pursue whatshisface?"... but the real question is "how much of a fight am I going to have to put up to get things right?" But you want romance, and whether you're a man or a woman, you love the challenge.

I've decided to demonstrate Aries compatibility by showing you how easy or hard the planned Aries invasion of Love Island will be, based on the sign of the partner.

THE BEACH: The Fire signs, Aries, Leo and Sagittarius. Flat, level terrain here with little resistance. Another Aries might seem like the logical place to start. Trouble probably will set in when your next planned combat action isn't on the same path as your partner's. Leo is comfortable, but they can be less goal-oriented than you. That can be frustrating. Sagittarius is a pleasant fit, but you may have this nagging feeling they aren't taking you seriously enough. And you're probably right.

THE GRASSLANDS: The Air signs, Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius. A little more work to empathize with, but still relatively easy to reach. Only the occasionally spear is thrown at you as you approach. Gemini can be a little more scattered and indecisive than you. Aquarius can be similarly passionate about things, yet strangely dispassionate about them too, and that can be frustrating. Libra is a little further inland and hilly, but worth the extra travel. You may find the natives here react to your every strategic move, making them surprisingly hard to catch off guard for such nice people.

MOUNT BULLMORE: Taurus. Lush fields protected by stubborn thick jungle and a steep climb. This one will take some time to achieve, but may well be worth it as a stabilizing influence. Watch out for the vines: they cling. Hard.

DREAMY VALLEY: Pisces. Gentle, restful, green and luscious. It's a shame you have to go through so much damned work just to find a place to rest. And the terrain here can be confusing and unclear. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? You decide.

FLINTY RIDGE: Virgo. On the face of it, you two have neither nothing in common nor any reason for conflict. This can actually be a great place for you to camp out. All you'll have to do is convince the natives it's okay. And do it in their language, not yours. Good luck with that.

SCORPION PASS: Remember that great scene in "The Fellowship Of The Ring" where Gandalf held off the giant Balrog in a spectacular battle, only for both of them to plunge to their deaths? Yes, one of them did come back for the next movie. You think that's you, or Scorpio? It's a coin toss. You like those odds?

THE DEFENSIVE MOUNTAINS: Cancer and Capricorn. You wouldn't leave your valuables in the driveway and lock up your old newspapers, would you? These two are emotionally defensive because they have a lot going on inside, and they are the most reactive to a sudden jab. The problem here is that "sudden jab" is your style, whether you like it or not.

So why even bother? I don't have to tell you. You're an Aries. It's all about the victory, baby... glorious, glorious victory.

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Shooting The Messenger: Who's Afraid Of Mercury Retrograde?

One sure sign for me that a client has had a little exposure to astrology is when they mention, with just a hint of fear in their voices, that Mercury is retrograde.

Frankly, I'm not all that concerned. Yes, Mercury is important -- I'm using mine to write this, and you're using yours to read this, right now! -- but I've found that blaming Mercury retrograde for just about anything is a case of (Mercury pun!) "shooting the messenger."

At most, I've found that Mercury going retrograde is just a matter of the straw that breaks the camel's back. Or the wrong word that sets off the brawl that had been building for months. Or the cheque being lost in the mail that should have paid the power bill three months ago. Or, in my case... waiting until today to install the new Vedic software I bought months ago that now, mysteriously, doesn't speak either English or Windows.

Other than that, though... no worries. As far as current transits going on, I'm much more worked up over the Mercury/Venus/Mars/Saturn/South Node pileup around 5-9 degrees of Cancer/Virgo/Scorpio. You know that's gonna make for some serious action for someone.

Besides, if Mercury retrograde is so lousy, why are so many smart people born with it... and why are so many dumbasses born with Mercury direct?

Boy, Mercury, shootin' through every degree...

If you'd like more information on what a astrological counseling session can do for you, or to inquire about my services, CLICK HERE. If you'd like a FREE (yes, FREE!) one-month customized forecast, send me your date, city, and (if known) time of birth. You should have something back within 24 hours. Unless, of course... Mercury is retrograde.

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Beauty: Confirmed Without A Time Of Birth (Or A Picture!)

Apparently Charlize Theron is the Sexiest Woman In The World, at least according to Esquire magazine.

If you want some kind of an astrological explanation for this, it's a bit problematic. We don't have an accurate time of birth for Charlize. Fortunately, there is a relative simple Vedic technique that can help in cases like this.

Every aspect of life in a Vedic chart can be ruled by two planets. One of them is the planet ruling the house in question. In other words, if you were born with Taurus rising, you have Scorpio on the 7th. Therefore, your marriage is ruled by your Mars (the traditional ruler of Scorpio).

Each facet of your life also has a natural ruler: a karaka. For example, the karaka for marriage is Jupiter... so regardless of when you were born, we also look at your Jupiter for hints of how marriage will be for you.

If you have a birth chart without a time of birth, and still want to extract useful details about this or that are of life, just:

-Convert the chart to Sidereal. Quit complaining, that's what software is for, and you can get it for free out there.

-Rotate the chart until the karaka in question is on the Ascendant.

-Treat the entire sign the planet is in as the 1st house. In other words, if your Jupiter is at 27 degrees Gemini, then everything from 0-29 degrees Gemini is your first house, all of Cancer is the second, and so on.

-Voila! Charlize Theron's Venus chart has Sun, Moon, Mercury and Saturn in the 12th House in Cancer, which in the Vedic system rules, um, "bed pleasures." Having the Moon there, in the sign it rules, amplifies everything.

So you have a blind date with Charlize and she doesn't know her time of birth. I can't make you any guarantees about her personality yet, but damn... the chart says she's a looker.

(Another Vedic tidbit; with a Sun/Moon conjunction, she's probably better than average at math too. Bring that up over the appetizers and impress the hell out of her with your astrological skill!)

This raises two very important points: first of all, Western and Vedic have a lot to offer each other. Secondly, if you need an astrologer to tell you what's beautiful and what isn't, you probably don't deserve a date with Charlize Theron.

Of course, we're talking about a generic, cultural/genetic sort of beauty. When it comes to what each of us finds truly beautiful is entirely individual, based on who we are and the placements in our birth chart as much as anything else.

For example: I know who the Most Beautiful Girl In The World really is... but she's shy about it. So, no names.

.

If you'd like more information on what an astrological counseling session can do for you, or to inquire about my services, CLICK HERE. If you'd like a FREE (yes, FREE!) one-month customized forecast, send me your date, city, and (if known) time of birth. Again, it's free... regardless of what you look like.

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You Can't Hide From A Void Of Course Moon

I've always thought there was a little too much concern over initiating any activity during a void of course moon: yes, it's a terrible time to successfully set out on a new course of action. Yes, it's true that (all else being equal) things won't turn out as well. But generally, as long as you think small, everything ought to be okay.

...or so I thought. I spent my last void-of-course Moon with my buddy Faith (we both have Venus in Aquarius, so "buddy" is high praise indeed) hiding at home watching a DVD.

Faith has her Sun and Moon conjunct in late Sagittarius, which that void-of-course Moon was squaring. And transiting Mercury was off in her 12th House, doing nothing in particular for her... which explains why a quiet, uneventful evening was still (by the usual standards of a quiet, uneventful evening) turned into a bucket of crap.

Please, people: I don't demand you "believe" in astrology. You don't even need to read my blog. I just beg you, please, whatever you do, whether the Moon is void or not...

DO NOT EVER WATCH "TURISTAS." EVER.

Tomorrow, I'll be back from post-Turistas therapy, and will (hopefully) be able to write more about actual astrology. In the meantime... did I mention HOW DAMNED BAD TURISTAS WAS?
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Thank You

Today is Canadian Thanksgiving, which means I have several hundred metric tons of potatoes to mash. One thought, though: clients ask me a lot about "love," specifically things like "Yes, but does he love me?" or "Is he my soulmate?"

This is often a much more ephemeral question than anyone realizes until someone asks it.

All I know is that sometimes life throws strange, unexpected, and beautiful things at us, and we are fools if we don't stop and listen.

I am thankful for those moments.

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Astrofaces

Today I'd like to draw your attention to a valuable resource on the Internet for those of you tired of the "you believe in that stuff?" look whenever the subject of astrology comes up in conversation.

If you want simple, easy-to-see proof that astrology actually does have an affect, you need look no further than Astrofaces, one of the first astrological web sites that really grabbed my attention.

Astrofaces is trying to compile a collection of photographs of people's faces, sorting them by Sun/Moon/Rising sign, and letting the results speak for themselves. Of course if you've been into astrology long enough, and seen it in action in the real world, you can probably already spot that lazy/sexy Taurus-rising walk or that proud Leo rising cranium.

It's quite another thing, though, to have visible proof staring you in the face that yes, astrology works. And it's quite the kick introducing your friendly neighborhood skeptic to have a browse.

Have a look at other people with your Sun Moon and Rising signs. Even if you're used to the notion, it can be a little startling at first.

I only have one problem with all of this though:

Why haven't you sent your picture in yet?

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Astrological Back-Seat Driving: The Signs Read The Signs

ARIES: "Hmph. Like we had any intention of turning back, anyway..."

TAURUS: "Ah, we must be entering The Bakery District. Pull over."

GEMINI: "Let me drive. I can handle this one."

CANCER: "(Sobbing) No one helped me cross the street when I was a kid"

LEO: "Remember when you used to do things like that for me? You know, before you started taking me for granted?"

VIRGO: "Actually, by my measurements, it's a twelve point five percent grade..."

LIBRA: "Will you still love me when I'm that age?"

SCORPIO: "Maybe now we'll get to the truth!"

SAGITTARIUS: "Yee-ha! Free massage while you drive. Speed up, the suspension can take it!"

CAPRICORN: "Chill out! We're saving a fortune on gas being stuck behind this tractor!"

AQUARIUS: "That's unfair! Big Oil must be behind this. I'm starting a letter-writing campaign..."

PISCES: "I sure know that feeling..."

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Romantic Saturn? Age Differences And Relationships

One of the more common situations I face in the course of my work as an astrologer is what I've come to think of as "age panic." By this I don't mean agonizing over wrinkles or grey hair. Here's how it usually goes:

CLIENT: I just don't get it! He's so nice, thoughtful, kind, intelligent, sexy... but I should run like hell!

ME: That's funny, you two look pretty compatible.

CLIENT: We are... but he's so young!

Over the years I've noticed more and more clients facing exactly this sort of situation, where a five year (or more) age gap is making the client nervous. The only thing that really surprises me that much is when the younger party is the female, as was once traditionally the case.

A lot of women out there are worrying their relationships to death over an age gap. Maybe they're afraid they're going to look like this weirdo.

Once you've decided that something is a problem, it becomes more of a problem, whether it's really a problem or not. If your boyfriend forgets your birthday, it's because men are often thoughtless with that sort of thing. But if your much-younger boyfriend does the same thing... he's an immature punk and you should know better.

When it comes to comparing two people in a relationship, astrologically, age shouldn't be a factor. If someone's Ascendant is conjunct your Venus, you're going to think that person is cute, whether he or she is an infant or elderly or anything in between.

Sometimes an age gap can even be beneficial in a relationship. A five year gap can lead to one person's Saturn sextiling the other's. A nine or ten (or 18-20) year age difference can make for two Saturns that trine each other. A fourteen year gap can make for a Saturn opposition... something that makes most Western astrologers nervous, but ask any Vedic astrologer (the people who have been hooking up arranged marriages for the last thousand years, by the way) what he/she thinks of it.

Saturn may not be the most romantic planet out there, but it can lend an incredible degree of support and durability to a relationship. And too often good relationships fall apart for a lack of it.

I don't know what to ascribe this trend towards "older-women" relationships to. Something in the water? Some kind of MILF virus? Beats me. All I know is that, when all is said and done, when there's difficulties in a relationship because of an age gap, the age gap itself is rarely the problem.

Or, as I explained to the parent of the last eyebrow-raisingly young girlfriend I had... "I'm not robbing the cradle, she's robbing the grave..."

If you'd like more information on what a counseling session can do for you, or to inquire about my services, CLICK HERE. If you'd like a FREE (yes, FREE!) one-month customized forecast, send me your date, city, and (if known) time of birth. If you've done this before and didn't get a response... the bug is fixed. Click here and try again...

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Bold Astrological Prediction: Ann Coulter Will Continue To Disappoint

Assuming that Ann Coulter hasn't lied about her date of birth (and there is plenty of reason she has, possibly for illegal purposes, I believe we are about to see the spectacular results of how nasty an eclipse can get.

Based on the assumption that the December 8/61 birth date is correct, here's what's hitting for Ann:

The September 11th eclipse point is squaring her Natal Sun and Mars, transiting mars is opposing the Sun/Mars conjunction, and Pluto is conjuncting the natal moon. If we had a confirmed time of birth, we could determine the house rulerships involved. Although I haven't done a proper rectification for her chart, offhand I'm thinking she was born around 8 or 9 in the morning. Capricorn rising suits her cheekbones, and Saturn in Capricorn in the first suits her not-so-warm and fuzzy style. What's even more interesting is that a birth around that time would put her Midheaven in Scorpio, which is traditionally ruled by Mars.

...And today her new book, If Democrats Had Any Brains They'd Be Republicans, hits the shelves. I have a strong suspicion that it isn't going to sell like hotcakes as her stuff usually does.

I know what you're thinking: I'm probably just making decisions based on silly emotional thinking. Just like a woman... particularly, a single woman, who Ann has pointed out recently can't be trusted with something as important as voting.

Sure... I get laughed at for trying to predict the future, and Ann Coulter makes money off of trying to revive the caveman days. There just ain't no justice...

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Hiring An Astrologer, Tiberius Style

I've been asked a few times recently as to how one can go about choosing a good, reputable astrologer. There is the usual advice, of course: ask others who have seen him/her, don't be afraid to ask questions about the astrologer's practice before you set up the appointment, and so on.

This isn't so much a problem in places like India, where astrology is a lot more mainstream. Or in a place like Burma, where the astrologers can't make it so you get away with murder... but they can do their best. There's a long history of those in power using astrologers to their benefit. There is, of course, The Reagan's successful use of astrology. My hero, Richard Houck, worked the Washington scene to great effect (and offered a double-your-money-back guarantee!).

(For all you professional astrologers out there, Houck's "The Astrology Of Death" is the greatest, most useful astrology text you've never read.)

The ancient Romans were big fans of astrology too. The Roman emperor Tiberius (Nov 16, 42 BC), who had a Sun-Venus conjunction in Scorpio, went with a slightly different technique when choosing court astrologer Thrasyllus:

"Whenever he (Tiberius) sought counsel on such matters, he would make use of the top of the house and of the confidence of one freedman, quite illiterate and of great physical strength. The man always walked in front of the person whose science Tiberius had determined to test, through an unfrequented and precipitous path (for the house stood on rocks), and then, if any suspicion had arisen of imposture or of trickery, he hurled the astrologer, as he returned, into the sea beneath, that no one might live to betray the secret.

Thrasyllus accordingly was led up the same cliffs, and when he had deeply impressed his questioner by cleverly revealing his imperial destiny and future career, he was asked whether he had also thoroughly ascertained his own horoscope, and the character of that particular year and day. After surveying the positions and relative distances of the stars, he first paused, then trembled, and the longer he gazed, the more was he agitated by amazement and terror, till at last he exclaimed that a perilous and well-nigh fatal crisis impended over him.

Tiberius then embraced him and congratulated him on foreseeing his dangers and on being quite safe. Taking what he had said as an oracle, he retained him in the number of his intimate friends."

-Tacitus, The Annals, Book VI

This underlines two important points: first, that if astrology can forsee disasters, it follows that it can help you at least try to prevent them. And secondly, it's been my experience that astrologers have a much tougher time making sense of their own transits than they do with anyone else's chart (I know I do, anyway)... so even if Thrasyllus was a brilliant astrologer, he was also one lucky bastard that day.

If only I had the nerve to recommend the Tiberius Technique, I might have made enough of an impression that this morning's client wouldn't have cancelled on me at the last minute. Also, given that even a very good professional at anything can have a bad day, I probably wouldn't be here to offer this advice.

But of course... there are worse things than being broke...

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The Neptune Guide To Harmful Drugs

Astrologers fall all over themselves trying to explain how Neptune works in a birth chart and in transits. Liz Greene wrote a brilliant, phone-book-sized volume about it that still came out largely as a stack of metaphors.

I've tried to boil down Neptune into simple, easy to understand terms today. And in the tradition of Neptune itself, today's entry is also a secret message to all the Pisces out there. Pisces loves little notes clandestinely passed to it in the back of the class.

Neptune is a drug. Avoid drugs, we're told by the public service announcements, and your life will be a better place. And who am I to argue with public service announcements?

Here are some drugs to avoid today, and I've made it all as metaphor-free as Neptune itself will allow:

Being drunk is a loud party with no ride home. Marijuana is flipping through the channels looking for news but only finding cartoons. Ecstacy is dancing to the beat of a song that's ruining your hearing. Mushrooms are like realizing that everything is alive, and everything is moving, and your house is running away. Heroin is a world where nothing goes wrong, ever, even when the roof cave in on you. Cocaine is all the speed of the Autobahn, with a thousand times more and deeper potholes. Caffeine is a commissioned salesman on a roll, and who cares if the store is closed? LSD is seeing what God sees, only to wonder later if God wouldn't rather have cable instead. Nicotine is five seconds of clarity and ten seconds of death. Ketamine is like being in a giant hamster ball at the rodeo. Salvia is like sitting in a hot bath with a head full of helium.

Also:

Religion is half an answer in an oversized hat. Spirituality is a muscular ditch-digger without a shovel. Politics is a band of attacking monkeys with written justification. Society is a beauty contest where you're the only contestant and everyone else is a judge. Materialism is a starving man filling his face with styrofoam packing peanuts. Community is an angry mob with torches that accepts you... today. Romance is a beautiful child who screams for cookies every ten minutes. Sex is an itch you'd gladly tear your skin off for one day, and just a rash the next. Patriotism is a loyalty oath directed towards an empty drum. The Internet is a room full of parrots all offering advice, all at once, all caked in each other's crap. Astrology is a weatherman who can't make it rain or stop raining. Love --

Love is the reason we're all here, and is not the dominion of any one planet.

So: avoid all Neptunian drugs today, and everything will be as wonderful as it is in a public service announcement.

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Sagittarius Luck: Behind The Wheel With Britney Spears

The ongoing effects on Britney Spear's of the September 11th eclipse extend to her 12th House (legal/governmental matters)and her Third House (which rules among other things, driving and getting around).

In (I swear!) completely unrelated news from TMZ.com, Britney is following the classic "I'm feelin' lucky!" approach to her current lack of a driver's license. In this case, I criticise because I'm a Sagittarius, and I've tried this approach myself. You'd be surprised how often it works: ask any Sagittarius, like (for example) multiple-Sag George Armstrong Custer, who was such a lucky guy he could get away with ignoring his scouts whenever he was "feeling lucky."

It's a strategy that only failed him once. Overall, that's pretty good odds.

In the meantime, Technorati told me to do this: Technorati Profile so I'm doing it. No sense in pushing my luck...

UPDATE: The big news today is Britney losing custody of her kids. However, according to her lawyer, this is because of the driver's licence issue. So, as far as reasons to have the courts take your kids away, this one is pretty minor and reasonable. Or so it seems. Whew.

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