The Astrology Of A Bellyache

It never ceases to amaze me how well astrology works... not just when it comes to relationships and such, but for everything.

Case in point: last Friday night after church services (which in my case, means watching the new episode of "Battlestar Galactica") I found myself craving something sugary, in much the same way that people often crave a cigarette after really good sex.

Yes. "Battlestar Galactica" really is that good.

There didn't seem to be anything in the kitchen, and I didn't feel like going out. Fortunately (or so I thought at the time) I found a package of Hot Chocolate cartridges for my Tassimo Coffee Maker.

(An aside: the Tassimo is a great machine. Kind of expensive for just a cup of coffee, but the pre-loaded cartridges make a pretty good cappucchino, without the hassle of actually buying a proper cappucchino machine and then doing all the work of foaming it up, et cetera.)

So I had my hot chocolate. After about twenty minutes, I began to notice certain digestive after-effects. Without going into graphic detail... I got sick as a dog.

Between trips to the bathroom, I decided to check out the Tassimo package for an expiry date. Sure enough... I had never noticed this before, but there was in fact an expiry date in tiny, obscure print on the packaging. In between bouts of, um, emesis, I was able to track down the shelf life of a standard Tassimo cartridge and work out a "birth chart."

We were definitely not compatible.

Tassimo Hot Chocolate cartridge, date of birth: March 7, 2007, time unknown, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada.

So here's how that Tassimo cartridge's "birth chart" interacted with mine, in terms of our "relationship":

The cartridge had Sun-Uranus-North Node conjunct in Pisces... conjunct my Saturn, squaring my Sun, and opposing my natal Uranus-Pluto conjunction. This also squares it's own Jupiter (good times), which in turn conjuncts my Sun (leading to excess). The Sun in my birth chart is in the 6th House, ruling health matters.

Its Venus (sweets) squares my Moon, Ascendant, and Mars.

Mercury and Neptune are conjunct in its chart, and are square my natal Neptune (Neptune rules, among other things, poisons). And of course, Neptune also implies the lack of realism required to completely ignore expiry dates.

The Tassimo cartridge's Saturn squares my natal Neptune, and its Pluto opposes my Jupiter.

So, two important lessons here:

1) The universal forces responsible for Astrology... whatever those may be... clearly have implications far beyond the petty details of one's love life or finances. One way or another... it really does seem that everyone (and everything) is, in fact, connected. Deeply and profoundly so.

2) Always read the damned label.

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Dropping Off Your Emotional Baggage At The Venus Station

Venus comes to a "station" tomorrow and turns backwards... retrograde. If you've been exposed to much astrology in your time, you're probably familiar with the effect of Mercury Retrogrades. I never used to put too much stock in them... and still don't cringe in superstitious terror of them as some do (even though The Universe has occasionally backhanded me for that attitude)

Astrology should be more than just a matter of "good times are coming next week" or "it's about to hit the fan." Most people don't pay attention to a weather forecast just to bitch about the rain... they do it so they know whether or not to take an umbrella. So, with this in mind, I'd like to present my prescription for the upcoming Venus station and retrograde.

Just as thought and communication can get screwy during a Mercury retrograde, matters of love and money can go similarly awry during a Venus retrograde. But knowing that the conditions are coming, you can take the appropriate actions.

Of course, the effects of this Venus retrograde will depend on the placements in your birth chart. But just as a general precaution, now is a good time to reflect on the state of your heart (and your wallet). As Venus is currently in Aries, the temptation is to leap at love... and being retrograde, the temptation isn't tempered by what most people would consider to be complete rationality.

I know I'm going to be taking the time in the next couple of days to take a good long look at things, and make some cuts. And maybe... just maybe... a couple of leaps. After all, Venus is in Aries... and what's the point to anything being in Aries without being a little bold about it?

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The Amazing Surprise Economic Turnaround Astrology Experiment continues! Click here to read more, and to join in!

A Day Without An Octomom Update Is Like A Day Without Sunshine (Or Maybe A Day Without Diaper Rash)

The Amazing Surprise Economic Turnaround Astrology Experiment continues! Click here to read more, and to join in!

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Sorry for the delay with Part Two of my Octomom series... I thought I was on a roll analyzing her birth chart, only to realize that every single new observation I made was based on house placements... which are almost certainly wrong in the chart I was looking at, which was for a noon birth. As of yet no official time of birth seems to be a matter of public record. The funny thing is... I didn't really stop to think about it until signs of her being a responsible parent began to show up.

As reported by TMZ.com, the domestic fitness of the Suleman residence has been questioned before, with no less than six child-related visits by the police in the last year... not counting two visits recently to shoo away the horde of reporters perpetually hovering around the house of late.

...and the octuplets haven't even moved in yet.

When I looked at the birth charts of Nadya's first six kids, I tried to steer the attention away from Mom and towards the individual kids. It turns out that may have been the right approach to take. Although I initially avoided too much discussion of Nadya's own birth chart because there wasn't a time of birth available, and the Wikipedia article on her still insists that her date of birth is, citing her divorce papers as a source... although I've squinted myself half to death staring at them and still don't see a date of birth for Nadya (Natalie?) Suleman-Doud-Gutierrez in there.

So although I believe the July 11 birth date is the correct one, I'll be cautious. And I'll keep fishing around for a time of birth for her.

In the meantime, try a delicious sample of choice reruns...

My Dinner With Taurus

Reality TV, By Sun Sign

How To Seduce A Taurus Man: An Illustrated Guide

Basically, everything you need to know is illustrated right here:

A well-fed Taurus is a happy Taurus, and a happy Taurus will naturally be curious to see your new undies... and what you keep in them.

Don't you love simple, straight-forward astrology?

Now, today's choice reruns:

Goldilocks And The Twelve Signs: The Pisces Guide To Compatibility

Is Your Astrologer Smarter Than A Monkey?

You'll find all my new stuff -- and maybe your soul mate -- at Astrologydating.com! Drop by and have a look...

Nadya Suleman And Her Children, Part One: The Superfluous Six

This is the first of two blog entries about Nadya "Octomom" Suleman and her fourteen children. For those of you who don't have the time or patience for detailed astrological analysis, I present a brief astrological joke:

An Aries walks into a bar. You got a problem with that, pal?

Now, the analysis. For those of you who want to play along at home, complete birth data for Nadya and the kids is here.

If you want to see what a person's relationship with their parents is like in a birth chart, there are three places to start: the 4th House and 10th House (and the planets ruling them) and aspects from the mother's chart to the child's Moon. It might be a mistake in any individual case to read too much into any one placement or aspect, but Nadya Suleman gave us enough babies that we could start noticing some patterns... even before the octuplets. Since we don't have a time of birth for Nadya, I'm going to toss out any aspects to or from her natal Moon, which is somewhere in Leo (a noon birth would put the moon at 24 degrees).

Elijah:

4th/10 rulers: Mercury and Pluto

Elijah's chart has a debilitated Venus in Aries as the ruler of the Third House... speech and communications. That, plus a retrograde Neptune in the 12th near the Ascendant, and Mercury conjunct a debilitated Jupiter in Gemini (both closely opposed by Pluto) makes him the most likely candidate to be the "mildly autistic" child with a speech problem.

Mercury opposes Pluto, conjunct Jupiter, no other major aspects. Pluto is trined by Venus in Aries (debilitated). Surprisingly, no planets in Nadya's chart make any significant aspects at all to either Elijah's 4th or 10th rulers.

Nadya's Mars sextiles his moon, her Venus opposes it, and her Neptune squares it. Also noteworthy: Elijah has a prominent Moon-Saturn square.

Amerah:

4th/10 rulers: Moon and Saturn

Moon is trine the Sun and sextile the Midheaven, but is squared by Mercury and Pluto, which oppose each other and are conjunct the Nodal Axis. Saturn is conjunct Mercury, and thus is square Saturn, opposed by Pluto. So: some difficult 4/10 issues there.

As with Elijah, Mom's Venus weakly opposes Amerah's Moon, Mars gives a weak sextile, and Neptune squares it.

Joshua:

4th/10th rulers: Venus and Mars

Joshua has an interesting Venus: at 27 degrees Leo, it is conjunct both the natal Sun and Jupiter within a degree, which is pretty powerful. Also noteworthy: that pile-up is in the first house, and is not aspected by anything else in the birth chart. Combine this with Uranus and Mars at 1 and 7 degrees Pisces (conjunct the older siblings Moons, so undoubtedly they get on each others nerves a lot) in the 8th House, and it paints a very interesting picture of the parent-child relationship. Powerful? Yes. Stable? Nope.

The natal Moon at 1 degree Gemini only gets two aspects from Mom's chart: a conjunction with the South, a square from Venus, and a weak opposition from Mom's Neptune.

Aidan:

4th/10th rulers: Venus and Pluto

Aidan has a strong Venus at 22 Pisces, conjunct the Sun (which is iffy) and trine Saturn (which is solid, but Saturn is debilitated in Cancer). Unfortunately for Aidan, that fairly strong Venus is closely squared... by Pluto in the 12th House.

Natal Moon at 10 Gemini only receives two major aspects in the birth chart... a weak trine from Neptune in the 1st House, and a tighter square from Uranus at 7 degrees Pisces (note how that portion of Pisces keeps showing up in these charts). This can often result in digestive/dietary problems (a common issue with autistic children) and combined with a third house ruled by a void of course Mars in Capricorn, makes Aidan my educated guess to be the second autistic child of the lot.

How does Nadya's chart interact with Aidan's moon? One major aspect only... her Neptune opposes his moon.

Finally (whew!)... Calyssa and Caleb, born two minutes apart:

4th/10th rulers: Venus and Pluto.

At first glance, Venus and Pluto look strong in these charts. Venus is in Libra and Pluto is trine Saturn. But they do square each other... weakly, but it's there.

Also: I'm going to break one of my own rules about generalizing too much based on a single placement. These children have a 12th House void of course Moon in Capricorn receiving no aspects other than a square from Mercury, and is ruled by a debilitated Saturn in Leo. If that isn't a strong astrological signature for depression, I don't know what is.

...And speaking of depression, there are only two major aspects from Mom's chart to the twin's Moon -- an opposition from Mom's Sun and Saturn in Cancer (Saturn within five degrees, the Sun weak at almost ten degrees), and a close square from Mom's natal Uranus. All of which is very... depressing.

Ouch.

In all fairness, it would be wrong to look at any single mother/child astrological comparison and declare it to be a "bad" relationship based on one or two difficult factors. Lots of people have good mothers who still get on their nerves, and lots have difficult maternal relations with no immediately obvious reason. But when you have six charts to look at (or fourteen in this case) and you see the same sorts of things over and over again... it's hard not to leap to some less-than-flattering conclusions about the mother.

Coming soon: we'll have a look to see if throwing an additional eight babies into the mix helps things or not.

The Amazing Surprise Economic Turnaround Astrology Experiment continues... and there's something in it for you! Click here to read more, and to join in!

Aries Woman Lays The Smackdown On Gemini Man

Today's choice reruns:

Continuing the Compatibility series, here's They're Off And Running! The Sagittarius Guide To Compatibility.

Second: if you are an Aries woman, you've undoubtedly read all about how you and Gemini are compatible. Here, courtesy of the BBC miniseries "Jekyll," is a practical guide to how the typical Aries woman can keep a Gemini man focused and attentive.

A warning: as with all such relationships in real life... there's plenty of swearing.

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You'll find all my new stuff -- and maybe your soul mate -- at Astrologydating.com! Drop by and have a look...

Economics: Saturn And Uranus Separate The Wheat From Donald Trump's Chaff

First, today's choice reruns... um, I mean, "MTA Classics!"

True Tales Of Teen Heartbreak: The Libra Guide To Compatibility

CSI: Romance - The Scorpio Guide To Compatibility

Second, a word on the current "economic crisis":

Donald Trump's (born June 14, 1946, 9:51 AM, Queens, New York) three Atlantic City casinos are filing for bankruptcy. And what's more... this is the third time his casinos have filed for bankruptcy. That's right: the third time. Anyone who knows anything about probability and statistics will tell you that it takes a special kind of short-sightedness for a casino to go broke even once. But three times?

Transiting Saturn and Uranus have been squaring Donald Trump's natal Sun, North Node, and Uranus for some time now, so in some ways we should probably be mildly surprised things haven't been worse. The Sun is the ruler of his Ascendant (public image), and Uranus is the ruler of Trump's Seventh House, so I'm willing to bet things stink on the domestic front for him of late as well. Wait... is Donald Trump married this week? I can never keep track.

Donald Trump is, in many ways, the living symbol of how Western Capitalism has operated for the last 20 years. For those of you without a degree in Economics, let me save you a couple of years worth of studying:

1) Find a farmer who's in economic trouble.
2) Wait until he's desperate and buy his cow at a discount.
3) Grind the cow into hot dogs
4) Stamp your brand name on the hot dogs and resell them for ten times the price per pound of an actual cow.
5) Retire and/or get fired, take a huge "golden parachute" settlement, and skip town before the salmonella and malnutrition breaks out.

About ten percent of the United States GDP is in Banking and Economic Services. In other words, one tenth of the beans go to bean counters, who eat half and then plant the other half. And the last few years the banks have overeaten, and planted what was left over in the sand. Much of the rest of the economy is a matter of buying and reselling, and nothing of real value is actually produced. The bean counters have done well by it, though.

Of course, you and I are stuck cleaning up the mess. We can't get angry with Trump and Company any more than we can truly be angry with the rabbits who discovered a biological niche and spread all over Australia. Australia, of course, has a different opinion on the matter.

So, in light of current trends and fears (which I don't think will turn out as badly as many think), I've tinkered with my own price structure. I am now making detailed six-month personal economic and romantic forecasts available at a discount... all of the detail of a regular full-blown consultation, but focused on the area you need it most. Write me for more details.

And I'll put my track record up against Donald Trump's, or any economists, any day.

You'll find all my new stuff -- and maybe your soul mate -- at Astrologydating.com! Drop by and have a look...