Friday, July 31, 2009

Astro-Karaoke: Venus In Sagittarius



(To the tune of "Theme From Bonanza")

In bounced a girl with her hair in a curl - she Saggie!
If she goes home with anyone here
I think it's gonna be me!

Three drinks in and she's loaded for sin - that's Saggie!
A suggestive wink and one more drink
And to my place we go!

Hey she's gone, left by dawn
After she rocked my world!
I thought we'd wed, where was my head? She's Saggie!
I should have known my chances were blown
When I told her what to do...

.


It's a reading, it's a forecast, it's a book... all for less than the cost of a reading! It's Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Ladies And Gentleman...


Jeffrey Kishner of Sasstrology.com and I are proud to announce the birth of...


Drop by and have a look!


It's a reading, it's a forecast, it's a book... all for less than the cost of a reading! It's Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

Saturn: The Onion Sombrero


I wrote a blog elsewhere once, wherein I used to complain about politics and pop culture and anything else that dared to wander into my snarky gaze.

One of the targets of my self-righteous fury was a particular commercial for Coke Zero. To wit:

"You may have recently been exposed to a commercial for Coke Zero involving a disembodied tongue, eyeball, and brain, debating the merits of Coke Zero while a second tongue stands in the distance and watches...

No, this is not something that happened to me on LSD. It's a real commercial.

The thing ends with the brain breaking up the tongue/eyeball debate. He threatens to make the tongue eat dirt, and ends with this very peculiar threat to the eyeball:

"You are going to have to wear the onion sombrero. All. Day. Long. Señor."

I've seen the ad several times and I can confirm that yes, the brain does say "onion sombrero." At first I wondered if this was some slang term I simply hadn't heard before, like "Dirty Sanchez."

I think I have uncovered the secret of The Onion Sombrero. I think Coke is trying to launch a meme. It's a catchy phrase, and a Google search reveals that the phrase didn't exist prior to the commercial. And hey, if Google can't find something, it doesn't exist, right?"

I was (and still am) of the belief that "onion sombrero" was a deliberate attempt to manufacture a "meme," that is: a rogue bit of cultural data that takes off on its own and infects the minds of thousands, if not millions.

I have almost forgotten about this, until recently when the ad in question came back. And then I heard a teenager on the street use the term "onion sombrero" with one of his buddies.

I've heard various opinions as to what this vegetable headgear is... the most likely explanation I've heard is that it is "a contact lens."

Personally: I've come to the conclusion that, astrologically at least... Saturn is the Onion Sombrero. Saturn is, literally or figuratively, something you threaten someone with. Saturn is restriction and suffering.

Of course, Saturn is also structure and order and bones and skin, without which you (literally and figuratively) wouldn't have a leg to stand on. And, just as the phrase "onion sombrero" may have you scratching your head and saying "Wha...?," Saturn may have you rubbing the lumps it put on your head and saying "Why me?"

So, if you see this Coke Zero ad: try not to be puzzled. The weird imagery and odd choice of words are all deliberate attempts to bamboozle your mind into buying a carbonated drink that you don't really need.

On the other hand, if you are confronted by Saturn, remember that you do really need it, even if it isn't very comfortable. And it will pass. And odds are good you'll come out of the other side of a Saturn Transit a better person, one way or another.

One's bad for your teeth. The other is good for your soul.

It's a reading, it's a forecast, it's a book... all for less than the cost of a reading! It's Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Celebrity Gossip Is Wrong (Plus: Celebrity Gossip Roundup!)

First of all, my apologies to anyone famous I've written about here on my blog. I realize that your lives are difficult enough, what with all the staring and pointing and unreasonably huge book advances... but I know people like me don't help. And I suppose it's kind of rude of me to be prying into your lives and birth charts.

On the other hand, the Moon is in Scorpio today, and everyone feels like prying into other people's business. And hey: I need the exposure.

So: here's my Celebrity Round-Up, sorted by Celebrity in more-or-less random order. If any of you out there want me to stop, feel free to buy my book drop me a line!


It's a reading, it's a forecast, it's a book... all for less than the cost of a reading! It's Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

Monday, July 27, 2009

And Now... "Astrological Cliché Corner," Starring Morgan Freeman!

One of the great frustrations of being an astrologer, at times, is the way beginners can take a few basics and jump to conclusions based on them. Like for example:

  • Geminis are not afraid to make unconventional choices with their lives, and if that Sun is ruled by a Mercury in Taurus, they are often pleasure-centered choices.
  • People with Moon in Pisces tend to make unrealistic emotional choices.

Some other astrological clichés I hate? People with Venus in Aries make impulsive, poorly-thought-out love matches for themselves... especially when that Mercury is aspected by Uranus. Or another one: people with Mars in Scorpio have powerful sex drives that can lead them to unsuitable relationships. And any Vedic astrologer might point out that someone with Jupiter in Capricorn might be more prone that the average person to marry someone of a significantly different age... and then that astrologer would immediately point out that it isn't that simple, either.

Astrology, like life itself, is far more complex than that. Honestly: such generalizations do far more harm than good. And furthermore --

Dammit! Way to screw up my point, Morgan Freeman! Anyway... hope things work out with you and your 27 year old stepdaughter/fiancee E'Dina Hines.



It's a reading, it's a forecast, it's a book... all for less than the cost of a reading! It's Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

Haiku: When Cancers Fall For Each Other

The butter's melted,
We smash each other open
With little hammers.


It's a reading, it's a forecast, it's a book... all for less than the cost of a reading! It's Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

Friday, July 24, 2009

Follow Friday: The Pop Culture Institute

(For an explanation of the "Follow Friday" concept and the Lemmy Awards, go here, and then come back.)

For today's Follow Friday: a blog that's so well written that I have to recommend it to you, even if it means cheating a little on the astrology angle. But just a little.

I invite you all to enjoy the fine words and informative fun of Pop Culture Institute, hand-crafted in the dimly-lit elven workshop of Mr. Michael Sean Morris. You've probably heard this sort of thing on the radio or TV at some point in your life... "on this day in 1897 Elvis Brubaker invented the flexible toilet brush" or whatever. Pop Culture Institute is, on the face of it, a collection of such trivia data points.

Of course, any old boring database could provide just that. Pop Culture Institute, on the other hand, is a really well-written and engaging blog. Michael actually knows what's interesting and what isn't, and conveys it in a style that draws you in. It's a little like sitting down over drinks with someone who knows more about these things than you do, but is charming and gracious about it. And, if you've ever spent time drinking with someone who knows more than you do about things, you know just how entertaining that can be.

Now, for the astrology: I've always found it useful and interesting to find out what happened on a given day in the year relative to a birth chart. If you've done much astrological research I particularly recommend typing in your birthday under "Search" and seeing what comes up. For example: I already knew I was born on the anniversary of Human Rights Day... it was also the anniversary of the executions of Thomas Culpeper and Francis Dereham, charged with committing adultery with Henry VIII's fifth wife.

And on (I swear) a completely unrelated note... my ex-wife was born on the anniversary of the day Lizzie Borden was acquitted of the axe murder of her Dad and stepmother!

Go on, head over to Pop Culture Institute. I think you'll have a good time.

And I swear, I'm not just saying that because Michael and I are almost kinda related.


It's a reading, it's a forecast, it's a book... all for less than the cost of a reading! It's Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Conquer The Universe With Astrology, Book Two - Now Available!

If you've ever wanted to get past the basics of Sun Sign Astrology... have I got the book for you!

The second e-book in the "Conquer The Universe With Astrology" series is now available, and if you were intimidated by starting with Book One... "Aspects"... you might actually want to start with Book Two:

Sun And Moon: Yin And Yang, And How You Do Your Thang.

Yes, it really is a simple to use and understand guide to the most essential core concepts of astrology. Yes, it will help expand your understanding of the astrological basics. Yes, it's informative and entertaining.

And yes... that really is the title.

Click below and I'll send you the no-obligation details.

It's a reading, it's a forecast, it's a book... all for less than the cost of a reading! It's Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Notes From An Astrologer's Spam Folder

>From:joseph.n.kunstman@cpanel1.znapped.com
>
>Re: Secrets to successful lovemaking
>
>Your meaty magic wand will do all the love magic again!
>http://1c2prof.com.ua/1.html

>pixylighting pacts' huemeramybows, picking here, pecking there, pussypussy
>Mutt.-- Louee, louee! How wooden I not know it, the intel



Dear Mr. Kunstman:

Although you perfectly (and poetically) describe the anatomical and intellectual effects of a Neptune transit to a man's natal Mars, I should clarify: although transiting Neptune is semi-sextile to my natal Mars, transiting Uranus is trine my natal Mars. Therefore the physiological effects are (if anything) the opposite of what you describe. But I thank you for your concern.

.

.
It's a reading, it's a forecast, it's a book... all for less than the cost of a reading! It's Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Eclipse In Cancer: Forget About Astrology!

I'll bet you never thought you'd hear me say that. But, bear with me:

You don't have to be an astrologer to recognize the inherent potential of an eclipse. If you've followed astrology even half-heartedly over the years, you know an eclipse is a rare and exciting event both astronomically and personally. The problem is that all too often, your life may not be running smoothly, then you hear about an eclipse... then you get nervous. And admittedly, this eclipse is in Cancer (which has a reputation for fretfulness).

So: take an astrologer's word for it: to those of you facing difficult times... relax.

The truth is, if you are in a panic about this or that in your life, it isn't the doing of an eclipse. At most, the eclipse will mark other events based on your individual birth chart and transits. So even if Big Things are about to be triggered in your life by this eclipse, one way or another... the signs are already there, waiting to be uncovered. And there's no need at all to hide in terror if things haven't been going well otherwise. This too, as they say, shall pass.

Also: the eclipse isn't necessarily bad news, at all. Often, it can bring good news. Ask me all about it some time after I come out of my bunker...



It's a reading, it's a forecast, it's a book... all for less than the cost of a reading! It's Conquer The Universe With Astrology! And the amazing Recession Buster Forecast Deal is still going strong! Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses!

Monday, July 20, 2009

Conquer The Universe With Astrology, Book One: Aspects... Now Available!

People have been asking me when I'm going to write a book. Also, a lot of people have been asking me for consultations lately. And some have asked if I teach Astrology to beginners.

I've decided to combine all of the above into one package. Ladies and Gentlemen of Earth, please allow me to introduce Conquer The Universe With Astrology, Book One: Aspects!

Conquer The Universe With Astrology, Book One: Aspects is the first release in a series that will, over the course of the next few months, cover al of the basics of natal astrology. And just to show you how easy it can be to get a handle on Astrology, I decided to start with the toughest concepts first. Believe me... I think I've found a way to make it all make sense. Also, there's a lot of fun to be had in those 25 pages. And ordering now gets you a deep-dish discount on future installements.

The book will be delivered as a PDF document, suitable for either reading on screen, or for being printed out and left lying around to be seen by your friends, who will undoubtedly be impressed with your taste in reading material as a result.

And, as with my Recession Buster deal (which is also still going strong)... there's also a free, no-obligation surprise! So please, send me an e-mail at this address for details. Don't forget to include your date, time, and place (if known) of birth. I'll send you more information, and your surprise.

It's your Universe. Time to learn how it works!

...And as if that weren't excitement enough, Conquer The Universe Book Two: Yin And Yang And How You Do Your Thang is now out too. It's also a great place to start learning more about astrology, and will help you quickly increase your grasp of Astrology's core concepts, all in a relatively easy and painless manner. And, it's funny!


Write me with your date, time, and city of birth here for more details. And please specify if you are interested in the book, the Recession Buster forecast, or both. They're both good, and both come with surprise bonuses.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Follow Friday: Amy Herring's HeavenlyTruth.com

(For an explanation of the "Follow Friday" concept and the Lemmy Awards, go here, and then come back.)


For today's Follow Friday, I've decided to direct you all to a site based solely on its looks.

Please visit astrologer and author Amy Herring at her site, HeavenlyTruth.com.

Really, that's it. It's got a nice motif and there's a video in the corner. Also, if you watch the video on the home page, she does a really good, concise job of explaining what a reading actually is and what it can do for you. Also, I know from personal experience that she knows her astrology, and is really genuinely helpful and insightful. Also, she writes a really solid and useful Monthly Forecast, which you can sign up for there. Oh, and she teaches.

But really: mostly, it's just that her site looks that good, and I'm kind of envious.

.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Putting Transits Together: LeVar Burton's Car Crash

(LeVar Burton: born February 16, 1957, time unknown, Landstuhl, Germany)

-Transiting Jupiter and Neptune are conjunct your natal Sun, and transiting Mercury is quincunx your Sun.

"This is a time when you feel a little dreamy and expansive. Your mood and self-awareness will both be affected by this transit. However, make sure that you are paying attention to detail: your otherwise cheerful mood may affect your concentration."

-Transiting Mars is trine your natal Mercury, but quincunx your natal Neptune. Transiting Mars is also in trine to your natal Jupiter.

"Today you will feel bold and impulsive. However, be cautious: your thought processes and urges to daydream may distract you from mundane details. Overall, your mood will likely be positive, and rather than question it, you're more likely to go with that mood."

Translation: Hey, LeVar Burton! Careful with that left-hand turn...!


..


Monday, July 13, 2009

Are You Ready For More Dick?


-Me, about three and a half months ago, on Dick Cheney

There are few things in life an astrologer likes than being right... even if it's about bad news. Former US Vice President Dick Cheney (who we all thought we were done with a while ago) is back in the news. And, as is usually the case for Dick, the news isn't good.

As you may recall, there was a story floating around the fringes of that Liberal Media you keep hearing abut that Dick had his own private hit squad while Vice President. This of course was quietly dismissed as partisan politics. Those charges may seem a little less paranoid in light of recent statements that Dick went “outside the law” when it came to not letting other members of the government know about certain CIA activities.

Which CIA activities? Secret stuff. Spy stuff. Maybe death squad stuff... we just aren't sure.

What am I sure about? Well, for one thing, transiting Saturn is now conjunct Dick's secondary-progressed Moon, ruler of his eleventh House ("love received"), and he certainly doesn't seem to have won any one's hearts with this latest set of rumors. I'm also sure transiting Jupiter and Neptune quincunxing natal Ascendant ruler Mercury isn't very good for public image.

One more thing I'm sure about? The transiting Sun (so often called a malefic in Vedic astrology, and so often causing me to agree) will be passing through Dick Cheney's 12th House (hidden matters) starting in about a week and a half, and continuing until mid to late August.

...and I'm sure there's going to be more legal activity that backs up the rumors. You heard it here first.

(Then again, maybe I'm just imagining that because I really, really like to see justice done, and I really, really like America in general, and I really, really wish they'd turn on those of their own who pervert its own best principles. Who knows? I'm an idealist. Like I said, we'll see...)

Dick Cheney: January 30, 1941, about 7:30 PM, Lincoln, Nebraska.)





.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Obama Is The Antichrist, And Other Bad Uses For Asteroids

There are a few astrologers out there... no names, but if you Google for it, you'll find them... who actually believe that since President Obama's natal Sun is conjunct the asteroid Lucifer, he is the Antichrist.

Rather than dignify that with a detailed response, I decided to run my "more asteroids than any competent astrologer will ever use or need" software and come up with a few revealing asteroid gems from my own birth chart.

In my birth chart, my Moon and Ascendant are conjunct the asteroid Alekto, named for one of the three Furies from ancient mythology. The Furies used to exact divine vengeance and punish those who defied the will of the Gods. This explains my style of presentation when I'm with a client. And since my Moon and Ascendant are also square Medusa, you'd better not look at me while I'm doing it.

My Uranus is conjunct Probitas, Latin for "honesty." Therefore, I am honestly eccentric.

My Neptune is conjunct Rachele. I don't actually recall knowing anyone by that name. Obviously, since Neptune was involved, I was always drunk when she showed up. Gee, I hope I didn't offend her, which is why she never came back...

My Mars is exactly conjunct the asteroid Hedwig. Yes, there really is an asteroid called "Hedwig," as in "Hedwig And The Angry Inch." If you've seen the movie, and know what Mars represents in male physiology... um, I don't want to talk about it.

Phyllis is exactly conjunct my Saturn, which is in the 9th House. This explains why Phyllis Diller was no help whatsoever with my higher education. As a matter of fact, I'm pretty sure it was her who insisted I get drunk the night before mid-terms instead of studying. Then again, my Mercury is exactly square the asteroids Harvard and Berkeley, so I probably wouldn't understand the entrance exam questions anyway.

My natal Venus is exactly conjunct the asteroid Valentine. I don't have a joke to go with this... I just wish I'd thought to mention that the last time I wrote a personal ad. Then again, my Venus is exactly square the asteroid Nemesis, so maybe I should stay away from personal ads altogether.

And finally: my Sun is exactly conjunct the asteroid called America. This probably explains why I feel so out of place, what with being Canadian and all.


.

.



Monday, July 6, 2009

Lunar Eclipse In Capricorn Effects, Described As A Dungeons & Dragons Random Treasure Table

(Roll Percentile Dice)

01–17 Bag of Bitching. Bag is a Capricorn which is suddenly questioning its place in life. Roll vs. Endurance or lose sanity for 2d10 rounds.
01–12 +3 Sword Of Sharpness. If player character is a Cancer, player must roll vs. Intelligence, or will use it on his/her spouse/partner while attempting to clarify what direction the relationship is going in.
13–24 Acid (2d4 flasks, each of which explode upon examination). Specifically Gemini acid, upset over recent financial dealings and/or relationships and/or STD test results.
25–36 Hole Of Infinite Sucking. Will probably be found inside a Sagittarius bank account.
37–48 Holy water. Originally created by a Virgo to fight vampires, this particular holy water was recently used to scrub out the memory of a doomed relationship. Now mostly dirty and useless.
49–62 A vial of antitoxin. It is empty, recently swallowed by an Aries attempting to leave his/her poisonous work environment. The Aries lies nearby, choking.
63–74 Everburning torch. Comparable to the ulcer Leos are experiencing trying to get their daily lives together recently.
75–88 Wand of Wisdom, pointed at the head of an Aquarius while they try to figure out why nothing is working out recently. The wand does not appear to be working out either.
89–95 A telephone (melted). Formerly owned by an astrologer overwhelmed by clients with sudden personal issues and collection agents.
96-00 =5 Magic Armor (roll d%: 01–10=Small, 11–100=Medium). Pretty much mandatory for everyone the next couple of weeks. Will protect you against anything (does not actually exist).




Friday, July 3, 2009

Follow Friday: Astrology Expressed

(For an explanation of the "Follow Friday" concept and the Lemmy Awards, go here, and then come back.)


You never know what kind of weirdness you'll find lurking on the Internet. Case in point: Astrology Expressed, written by my cyber-friend Neeti Ray.

Now when you're looking at it, it may not necessarily look weird at all. In fact, if you spend some time with it, you'll find that she has an unusually good grasp of how astrology really works. Certainly she seems to "get it" with things like Saturn, love, and the truly important things in life.

She's also got an unusual talent for describing the feel of astrological concepts in poetic form, which is a gift I personally wish I had. Also, she's actually a good poet, which is a surprise. Most astrological poetry out there is of the Emo Girl "My boyfriend is an Aquarius/My Dad is an Aquarius/Aquarius sucks/I want to die" variety. Neeti's is actually good. And insightful.

So what's the weird thing about Neeti's blog? She tries to claim she isn't actaully an astrologer. If that's the case... why do you so consistenly get it, when so many other "actual astrologers" don't seem to?

Like I said.... weird.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Follow Friday And A Bushel Of Lemmys

Lately there's been a thing floating around the blogosphere called "The Lemmy Awards." It's where bloggers nominate/recommend other blogs that they find useful, entertaining, and/or informative. I still have no idea if "The Lemmy Awards" are an actual thing hosted by an actual group, or simply an escaped meme, or something in between. I've been nominated for a Lemmy more than once, and in my finest tradition... I've been slow to return the favor. This will be my way of making it up to you, and of paying the honor forward.

There's also a tradition on Twitter (Twitter's been around long enough to have "traditions"?) called "Follow Friday," where Twitterers recommend other Twits whose Tweets are Tworth Tchecking out. (Okay, I'm already tired of Twitter.)

I've decided to combine the two into my own Follow Friday here on my blog. If there's such a thing as a "Lemmy Committee," please consider each of my upcoming Follow Fridays as a nomination. For the rest of you, it will be easier... just read and enjoy.

Also, you now have an excuse to drop by at least every Friday. Lucky you!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Happy Uranus Station/Canada Day!

Uranus comes to a grinding halt in the sky today, so have a good look at your birth chart. If you have something in the late degrees of the Mutable Signs... big things are a' happenin'.

It's also Canada Day, when we of the Frozen North celebrate our independence from the British Empire. That in and of itself wasn't terribly Uranian -- there was no great rebellion, no war for independence, no thrilling tales of battlefield daring. It's a little like taking the day off to celebrate getting your driver's licence renewed.

...Or so you'd think. We're a peaceful, kind and co-operative lot, generally speaking. But once a year on this day we gather and... secretly, while no outsiders are watching... we celebrate the story our neighbors to the south tend to gloss over when they're celebrating their own history. An educational video is provided below.

Oh, damn. I let the Big Canadian secret out. Now they're gonna revoke my citizenship. Wait... who am I kidding? This is Canada we're talking about. By the time we're done debating who should be on the Board Of Inquiry into my bad behaviour, I'm going to be long dead.

Anyway, Happy Uranus Station/Canada Day! Celebrate with your own act of revolution... before the revolution comes and finds you.