Wednesday, January 23, 2008

My Binge With Britney: One More Round Of Crazy As Pluto Leaves Sagittarius

(SCENE: The Rogue Celebrity Containment Facility in Los Alamos. BRITNEY SPEARS sits on the edge of her bed. On the couch next to it is MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER, with a tape recorder running next to him)

M: I'm here to formally apologize to you, Ms. Spears.

B: Yeah. You know, I was kinda hurt by everything that has happened to me the last few months, but you failing to provide a proper warning about how the custody thing was gonna turn out with my kids.

M: Well, technically, it was you going off the rails afterwards that really blew the deal.

B: But you're an astrologer! You're supposed to see these things coming!

M: I can foresee the patterns... and I did. But I can't think for you. And I'm not perfect. Besides... for better or worse, you were just being yourself. And being yourself, loud and proud, is one of the things a Sag does best. It's why we were born when we were. I know this from personal experience. The others need us to... to...

B: Inspire them with our boundless leaps of faith?

M: I was thinking more along the lines of "serve as a warning." But I like your phrasing better. There's also a certain problem with objectivity. It can happen in any form of counselling. I like you. I think you're a really good person. I genuinely want the best for you. So maybe it blunted my assessment of the situation. Still, going over the stuff I said on my blog, I can still stand by my predictions. I just wish things were better for you. It's been crazy times for me too... believe me.

B: So when is this crap going to end for me? For us?

M: Never, because that's just the kind of people you and I are. But I like to think it'll settle down when Pluto leaves Sagittarius in a few days. My best friend, for example, has Sun and Moon in Sag, and she's up and marrying a guy in Australia she only met less than a month ago.

B: Wow. You mean... sometimes there's a lesson to be had in all this craziness?

M: Yup. Or so I like to think. Speaking of crazy, you know what I've been up to the last four or five months?

B: No, what?

(MATTHEW reaches over to stop the tape recorder)

(Twelve minutes later, recording re-starts)

M: ...So that's why I brought this bottle of Jack Daniels. I figure if I wasn't that much use to you or myself as an astrologer, we can at least commiserate.

B: I have Percocets to go with that!

M: Party on, Brit... party on. (pours the booze into two Styrofoam cups) My buddy's throwing a big party to mark her leaving the continent for good. You gonna come?

B: Will there be designated drivers?

M: A couple of Geminis have volunteered.

B: (Pauses to consider) I'm feeling lucky. Count me in! (pops open pill bottle) Cheers!