Fun With Sagittarius! (Another "Conquer The Universe With Astrology" Original Video)

Oh, Sagittarius... bouncing through life so carefree and-- look out! Whew. Sometimes that easygoing carefree disregard you have for common sense can be a little... what? Ah, I see. You've already thought it out. Well, then, I'm sure that you can go on juggling chain saws indefinitely without harm

For the rest of you, here's Sagittarius...

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Book Excerpt: Sun In Sagittarius

(The first episode of "Conquer The Universe With Astrology: The Radio Show" begins August 19th! Subcribe to this blog for further details... or find me on Twitter (@MatthewCurrie) or on Facebook! Hope to see you all there!)

The symbol for Sagittarius is the Centaur. That's because (although anyone can make a horse's ass of themselves) Sagittarians are actually born that way. They have an open, trusting, and bouncy approach to life, which is perhaps why they are prone to bouncing into open pits more than any other sign. Their faith in life is so deeply wired into them that they often literally don't bother to look where they are going, and thus tend to be accident-prone. That’s also the excuse they use for most of their relationship failures.

Sagittarians have a reputation for being freedom-loving and independent. This is how they like to see it -- everyone else merely thinks of them as being reckless and not taking direction well.

People are rarely surprised when a gay Sagittarius comes out of the closet, because they were usually broadcasting it to the world without trying. You can usually count on a Sagittarius to broadcast whatever is on their mind... their kid, their complaints about work, the details of their hernia operation, and so on. They are considered to be natural communicators, which is a nice way of saying they have an open-mouth policy. In the classic fairy tale "The Emperor's New Clothes," the kid who pointed out that the Emperor was actually naked was probably a Sagittarius. And if the Emperor had been one too, he would have probably countered with something like "Yeah, and it's GREAT! How do you all like my junk?"

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Greeting Cards From The Mutable Signs Of The Zodiac

Gemini:

Virgo:

Sagittarius:

Pisces:

Things Go Wrong At The Gemini-Sagittarius Debate

MODERATOR: Thank you for joining us for the first in a series of debates for the leadership of the Zodiac. Tonight, Gemini and Sagittarius will discuss the issues. Sagittarius has won the coin toss --

SAGITTARIUS: Well, I do have the reputation for being lucky...

MOD: -- and will go first. Sag?

SAG: Thanks. A lot of people have complained that there is no real choice in this election. I'd like to take the time now to point out the many significant differences between myself and my opposing sign. First of all --

GEMINI: Bor-ing!

SAG: Beg your pardon?

GEM: You know, supposedly I have the reputation for being the yappy one. Two to one though says you've got ten minutes of material there about how you're all philosophical and stuff, and how I'm just "flighty."

SAG: Have you been reading my notes?

GEM: No, I just know you. I know how you can take one philosophical stance... whether you've really thought it through or not... and spin it into a long tale that sounds like it's all well thought out. But sometimes it isn't. And I'm calling you on it.

SAG: Listen, scatterbrain: you haven't thought out your positions well enough to call anyone on anything. I say you just catalogue data and then use that to argue against anyone who thinks differently from you.

GEM: And that's so different from you how, exactly?

SAG: I... you suck!

GEM: Yeah, well YOU suck!

MOD: Please, could we return to the debate please?

SAG: Who's the nimrod who hired Virgo to moderate this thing anyway?

GEM: Yeah. Virgo's kind of like us in a way, but they're so... Virgo-ish.

SAG: Yeah. They're that thing, that Virgo thing. They're so... they're like the intellectual hallway monitors of the Zodiac.

GEM: Good one, dude! (pauses) This debate sucks.

SAG: Yeah. Hey, wanna go drinking?

GEM: Sure, let's go. I'll drive.

SAG: No, I'll drive.

GEM: No, I'll drive!

SAG: No...

My Binge With Britney: One More Round Of Crazy As Pluto Leaves Sagittarius

(SCENE: The Rogue Celebrity Containment Facility in Los Alamos. BRITNEY SPEARS sits on the edge of her bed. On the couch next to it is MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER, with a tape recorder running next to him)

M: I'm here to formally apologize to you, Ms. Spears.

B: Yeah. You know, I was kinda hurt by everything that has happened to me the last few months, but you failing to provide a proper warning about how the custody thing was gonna turn out with my kids.

M: Well, technically, it was you going off the rails afterwards that really blew the deal.

B: But you're an astrologer! You're supposed to see these things coming!

M: I can foresee the patterns... and I did. But I can't think for you. And I'm not perfect. Besides... for better or worse, you were just being yourself. And being yourself, loud and proud, is one of the things a Sag does best. It's why we were born when we were. I know this from personal experience. The others need us to... to...

B: Inspire them with our boundless leaps of faith?

M: I was thinking more along the lines of "serve as a warning." But I like your phrasing better. There's also a certain problem with objectivity. It can happen in any form of counselling. I like you. I think you're a really good person. I genuinely want the best for you. So maybe it blunted my assessment of the situation. Still, going over the stuff I said on my blog, I can still stand by my predictions. I just wish things were better for you. It's been crazy times for me too... believe me.

B: So when is this crap going to end for me? For us?

M: Never, because that's just the kind of people you and I are. But I like to think it'll settle down when Pluto leaves Sagittarius in a few days. My best friend, for example, has Sun and Moon in Sag, and she's up and marrying a guy in Australia she only met less than a month ago.

B: Wow. You mean... sometimes there's a lesson to be had in all this craziness?

M: Yup. Or so I like to think. Speaking of crazy, you know what I've been up to the last four or five months?

B: No, what?

(MATTHEW reaches over to stop the tape recorder)

(Twelve minutes later, recording re-starts)

M: ...So that's why I brought this bottle of Jack Daniels. I figure if I wasn't that much use to you or myself as an astrologer, we can at least commiserate.

B: I have Percocets to go with that!

M: Party on, Brit... party on. (pours the booze into two Styrofoam cups) My buddy's throwing a big party to mark her leaving the continent for good. You gonna come?

B: Will there be designated drivers?

M: A couple of Geminis have volunteered.

B: (Pauses to consider) I'm feeling lucky. Count me in! (pops open pill bottle) Cheers!

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Bold Astrological Prediction: Ann Coulter Will Continue To Disappoint

Assuming that Ann Coulter hasn't lied about her date of birth (and there is plenty of reason she has, possibly for illegal purposes, I believe we are about to see the spectacular results of how nasty an eclipse can get.

Based on the assumption that the December 8/61 birth date is correct, here's what's hitting for Ann:

The September 11th eclipse point is squaring her Natal Sun and Mars, transiting mars is opposing the Sun/Mars conjunction, and Pluto is conjuncting the natal moon. If we had a confirmed time of birth, we could determine the house rulerships involved. Although I haven't done a proper rectification for her chart, offhand I'm thinking she was born around 8 or 9 in the morning. Capricorn rising suits her cheekbones, and Saturn in Capricorn in the first suits her not-so-warm and fuzzy style. What's even more interesting is that a birth around that time would put her Midheaven in Scorpio, which is traditionally ruled by Mars.

...And today her new book, If Democrats Had Any Brains They'd Be Republicans, hits the shelves. I have a strong suspicion that it isn't going to sell like hotcakes as her stuff usually does.

I know what you're thinking: I'm probably just making decisions based on silly emotional thinking. Just like a woman... particularly, a single woman, who Ann has pointed out recently can't be trusted with something as important as voting.

Sure... I get laughed at for trying to predict the future, and Ann Coulter makes money off of trying to revive the caveman days. There just ain't no justice...

Sagittarius Luck: Behind The Wheel With Britney Spears

The ongoing effects on Britney Spear's of the September 11th eclipse extend to her 12th House (legal/governmental matters)and her Third House (which rules among other things, driving and getting around).

In (I swear!) completely unrelated news from TMZ.com, Britney is following the classic "I'm feelin' lucky!" approach to her current lack of a driver's license. In this case, I criticise because I'm a Sagittarius, and I've tried this approach myself. You'd be surprised how often it works: ask any Sagittarius, like (for example) multiple-Sag George Armstrong Custer, who was such a lucky guy he could get away with ignoring his scouts whenever he was "feeling lucky."

It's a strategy that only failed him once. Overall, that's pretty good odds.

In the meantime, Technorati told me to do this: Technorati Profile so I'm doing it. No sense in pushing my luck...

UPDATE: The big news today is Britney losing custody of her kids. However, according to her lawyer, this is because of the driver's licence issue. So, as far as reasons to have the courts take your kids away, this one is pretty minor and reasonable. Or so it seems. Whew.

What If A Thousand Sagittariuses With Moon In Scorpio Made A Buddy Movie?

You'd get (by my count) 281 obscenities. By the way, you shouldn't watch this at work. Or around the kids. Better mute your computer just to be safe...

Dear Virgo...

You know, Virgo, probably one of your greatest gifts is that people... often the right people... seem to be drawn to you when you're worried about stuff. It's that sweet little vaguely-worried look (kind of like a dachshund trying to fish a toy out from under the couch) that draws out the nurturing in others. And you certainly do worry a lot, my dear. I know you may not like that analogy, but face it: everyone loves wiener dogs. That perpetually worried look is half the reason. The other half is that they just don't seem to realize how adorable they are.

You may have heard about the September 11th eclipse coming up. September 11th could even be your birthday, and we all know how that particular date has been screwed up. Now you know how all those Capricorn kids felt getting screwed out of birthday presents at Christmas.

Everyone gets all panicky over eclipses. You've heard the stories about the ancients running outside and yelling at that dragon to stop eating the sun or the moon. Sensible thing that you are, I hope you keep this in mind. Sure, it's a lunar eclipse in your sign, Virgo... and yes, Saturn just rolled into your neighborhood. And Uranus opposes you, and Mars and Jupiter and Pluto are all squaring you. But I have nothing but the greatest confidence in you. You've survived worse, and did so in good form.

Astrologically, I've found that an eclipse has a diffuse effect spread out over the time between eclipses: in other words, the jack-in-the-box is unlikely to spring that day, but sensitizes that spot in the Zodiac, possibly contributing to other transits afterwards, or even beforehand.

Besides, another great gift you have is the gift of breaking it all down into manageable chunks and dealing with the crap life hands you. Relax. Enjoy. Breathe. It's gonna be all right, babe.

As for that Sagittarius who keeps flirting with you at work, and that Gemini who always talks to you in the elevator? Now those guys are gonna find this transit tricky. And you're good at the caring-and-consolation thing. Maybe that's why they keep flirting with you, despite being told by too many astrologers that you two would just never work out together.

So get ready to be (heavy sigh) of service again this September 11th. And if the Sagittarius gets there first, wear that little nurse's uniform you had on last Halloween. We Saggies love that stuff.

Britney Spears And Ashtakavarga Astrology -- Gesundheit!

(Click on the picture. It gets bigger.)

Britney Spears is going to be just fine, eventually, and I can demonstrate with ashtakavarga. It's a big scary word, but don't be afraid of it: ash-tok-a-var-ga. Say it with me.

Forget everything you know for a moment about astrology. I'm going to try to convey my great enthusiasm for Ashtakavarga astrology -- a Vedic technique so different from anything else you've seen before that it may as well be considered a branch of astrology distinct from either Vedic or Western. Furthermore, it's a technique that I have found to be consistently reliable and straightforward when it comes to making hard predictions.

Interested? Good. Read on.

The sky is divided into twelve equal portions, called "houses". When you were born, each of these portions received a certain number of "points" based on where the planets were at the time. The more points a house has in your birth chart, the stronger it is, leading to generally better results. Conversely, a house with a lower score tends to be more of a struggle. Each planet also has it's own strength, expressed as a number, depending on which house it is transiting through at the time.

On the right is the birth chart in standard Western terms. In the middle is the Vedic chart... the same information in a different format. The box in the bottom right-hand corner is the First House... that line through it represents the Ascendant. The box to the left of the one with the line through it is the second house, then the third, and so on clockwise around the chart.

On the far left (top left hand corner) is the same information again, except now the information is displayed as a numerical total (the "strength" of each house). Each of the remaining eight charts shows the strength of the transiting Ascendant or planet as it passes through that particular House, with that planet's natal position in grey. In other words, Brit's natal Sun is in the Third House, where it has a strength of 4 out of a possible 8.

(I'm going to pause now so you can catch your breath. All these numbers and boxes can be pretty intimidating. The ancient sages who laid the foundations of Vedic astrology knew this, and predicted that one day there would be a means to make all of this a lot easier. They were right. All these numbers were calculated in a blink by a computer. In the old days, if you went to an astrologer and wanted him to work out your ashtakavarga, you'd pay extra. And for good reason: doing this manually can be crazy-making. But the interpretation can be surprisingly straightforward.)

The houses work largely the way you're used to. The first house is "presenting symptoms" (in medical terms), the Seventh is marriage and partnerships, the Fifth is children and romance, the Tenth is career, the Eleventh is "love received" and so on.

One interesting thing about ashtakavarga -- whenever you see a big difference between the score in a house and the score in an opposite house, that shows an inherent imbalance between those two areas of a person's life. For example, a person with a high score in the First and a low one in the Seventh often indicates someone who "presents well" and is popular and well-liked but has constant difficulty in their marriage and close relationships.

Britney Spears has a score of 37 in her First House and a score of 28 in her Seventh. She has 31 in the Eleventh... but 23 in the Fifth House, representing children. The score is 35 in her Career House (the Tenth), but 20 in her domestic situation (the Fourth).

Although the traditional Vedic system doesn't use Pluto, it's still useful, and still means the same things in a Vedic chart. Pluto entered Brit's Vedic Fourth House last year. Hmmm. Given that big 4th House/Tenth House imbalance, I wonder if there's been trouble between Brit and her Mom, during all this career-boosting publicity?

You bet there is!

You might find yourself wondering at this point if ashtakavarga explains why some people with a strong Venus in the Seventh House have crappy marriages, and why some people breeze through their Saturn Returns.

And you'd be right.

Got all that? Good.

Next time: Quantum superpositioning and negative probability made simple!

Oh, wait, this is my astrology blog...

Next time: Britney Spears' future in detail, using ashtakavarga, made simple!

Britney Spears, Me, And Astrology: Day Two

The recent sudden spectre of child abuse charges against Britney Spears I reported here yesterday have manifested themselves more or less as anticipated... with a whimper, and not much of a bang. Yes, allegations of child abuse have now been officially raised, but...

!!! SPOILER ALERT !!!

Everyone who is under the age of 25, is starry-eyed in love at this exact moment, or has a strongly aspected Venus in Pisces is advised to scroll down fast and NOT read the next paragraph.
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Look, you and I both know that bullshit allegations get thrown around in some divorces like the rice was at the wedding. And given the near constant press coverage of these two the entire time they were together, and the huge funds available for investigators, lawyers, and professional muckrakers... the best you got is "dental child abuse"?? Unless I'm much more of an old fart than I knew, and only if California is even crazier than I've heard, that's just not going to make a dent. It's the kind of thing that makes the accuser look worse than the one being accused. And it doesn't impress the judge. And judges know petty divorce bullshit when they see it, what with being forced to spend much of their day knee-deep in it.
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Astrologically: although I haven't been able to track down the time of the hearing, it amuses me to think it was right at 8 AM, when the transiting Moon was conjunct Neptune in the 5th House. I love an ironic event chart, don't you?

Which brings me to my situation. I was going to go Vedic with it today, but my life is likewise taking its own interesting twists and turns. Also: interesting things happen when you translate a branch of astrology from Sanskrit to English to Windows. I'm about to attempt a repair... as soon as I find my hammer.