Fun With Scorpio! (Another "Conquer The Universe With Astrology" Original Video)

Oh Scorpio... so fun loving, so understanding, so willing to not take yourself seriously... I'm sorry it took me so long to put this together for you, and I know how you love it when someone teases you and denies you and then... please Scorpio, please.. just put the knife down and watch, okay?

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Astro-Singalong: Scorpio Drunk Dials The Libra Ex

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Send a heartbeat to the void that cries through you 
Relive the pictures that have come to pass 
For now we stand alone 
The world is lost and blown 
And we are flesh and blood disintegrate 
With no more to hate.


Is it bright where you are, and have the people changed?
Does it make you happy you're so strange? 
And in your darkest hour 
My old secrets laid
We can watch the world devoured in its pain.

Book Excerpt: Sun In Scorpio

(The first episode of "Conquer The Universe With Astrology: The Radio Show" begins August 19th! Subcribe to this blog for further details... or find me on Twitter (@MatthewCurrie) or on Facebook! Hope to see you all there!)

Scorpios are the most likely sign to have a complex about what sign there are. And for good reason: Scorpios have accumulated a reputation for being vengeful, wilful, and oversexed. This is inherently unfair to a Scorpio. They aren't any worse than anyone else... they're just far more focused about it when they are being awful.

The symbol for Scorpio is the scorpion, which is a creature capable of surviving and thriving in a wide variety of difficult environments. Biologists point out that this is due to their tough build and a stinger in the tail. The truth, however, is that most scorpions are just too stubborn to die under normal circumstances. And, in the event you have one wanting to kill you, they are unlikely to give up until they've achieved that goal too.

Scorpios are easy to annoy. All you have to do is invade their privacy, ask too many questions, or turn them down for sex. They make excellent reporters and detectives, which are career paths noted for involvement with invading people's privacy, asking too many questions, and sex. This is often balanced out by a great deal of inner strength and wisdom, which was usually hard-won after years of being told they're too intense.

Once a Scorpio sets their mind to something, they are incredibly difficult to stop. And they generally don't take it well if you try. Remember that friend of yours when you were a kid who totally freaked out when he lost a game of Monopoly? That kid was probably a Scorpio.

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Customer Service: How To Tell If You've Annoyed A Scorpio

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How To Seduce A Scorpio Man

(You'll find all my new material, useful tips and a special deal on consultations at my new site, Matthewtheastrologer.com!)

If you read the quick and easy guides to the Sun Signs you find at any typical supermarket check-out, you might get the impression that the best and easiest way to get a Scorpio man into the sack is to tell him in detail about your bondage gear, your prehensile tongue, or that drunken experimentation you did with your college room-mate.

Nonsense. Sure, Scorpios like sex, but they are subtle creatures too.

Here's how to bag that scorpion: Proceed in the same way you would with anyone else. Let's say a nice dinner over lobster and wine... or tacos and mini-golf. It doesn't matter.

The one thing you should do to handle him slightly differently than other guys? Make sure your bra strap peeks out. Or... if conditions permit... a thong strap. But not both.

Preferably this strap should be red, or black, or some girly color. Or maybe a nice floral lace pattern. The point is to subtly draw attention to something that (theoretically) should not be visible. Don't make a big deal out of it.

Watch his eyes and see how long it takes him to notice this. Of course, if he is locked into making eye contact with you, you probably don't need my help. The second time you catch him glancing at your peek-a-boo lingerie show, subtly carry on with your conversation as you poke it back into place. A few minutes later, move your shoulder enough to let it pop out again. Don't repeat this too many times... two or three times should be more than enough.

The point here is to let him know that you are a woman, and that there is more going on beneath the surface. Something that maybe you'd normally hide, but you are comfortable enough with him that you don't mind him knowing it. That, and there are only a few millimeters of fabric between him and The Promised Land. And if he plays his cards right, you'll give him a guided tour. What you do with him after this is entirely up to you. He'll think that's all up to him... but of course, you and I know better.

For further information on how to seduce a Scorpio (or anyone else, for that matter) please consult the “Let’s All Seduce Someone” episode of “Love And Sex In The Stars,” presented by Astrologydating.com!

For specific guidance on how to seduce, amuse, delight, decode, or tolerate the Scorpio (or anyone else) in your life, please refer to my Readings page, and please note my “Summer Lovin’ Special” (in conjunction with Aliza from Moonplutoastrology.com): Two astrologers and two perspectives for less than the price of one!

More about readings HERE

Greeting Cards From The Fixed Signs Of The Zodiac

Taurus:

Leo:

Scorpio:

Aquarius:

I'm Scorpio, And I Approved This Message

My opposing sign, Taurus, has been slinging the bull around about my reputation. Dirty campaign tactics like that are uncalled for, and leave it to Taurus to fight dirty and come across all sweet and sunshiny about it.

Leadership requires an ability to take action. When that red phone rings at three AM, you'll want to have someone in charge who is willing to make the tough decisions. Heck, you might even want someone in charge who enjoys the thought of blasting an opponent... especially one who really really deserves it.

I do not, as you may have been told, sit back and fume over things and slowly plot my horrifying revenge. I act on those impulses as soon as I can and get it done, so I can move on to other matters.

You know who you are, people.

In addition to my willingness to take bold action, you'll find that I am as kind, compassionate, caring, and even-handed as any other sign. I believe that if you take an honest objective look at my record, you'll see that too.

Thank you for your time, and for listening patiently. I'll untie you from that chair now.

I'm Scorpio, and I approved this message.

Aries Man, Meet Scorpio Woman

(Click on the picture to Jupiter-size it!)

(You'll find all my new material, useful tips and a special deal on consultations at my new site, Matthewtheastrologer.com!)

It's funny: all those sun-sign romance guides there seem to think that an Aries and a Scorpio together will eventually lead to something blowing up. I've seen this combination in the real world over and over again... despite advice from well-meaning paperbacks and columnists. It seems that the key to making this relationship work is finding something to blow up together.

Traditionally, they are both Mars-ruled signs. Find something to do with that energy... other than just sex, Scorpio, that can get old eventually too... and it can work.

And for all you Aries guys out there? If you think that Scorpio woman you're after wasn't all that impressed the first time... well, you're probably right. But Scorpios don't like quitters, and that just isn't your style. And for you Scorpio women with an eye on an Aries man... well, be patient. He's bound to get tired of all that running around eventually...

The Amazing Surprise Economic Turnaround Astrology Experiment continues! Click here to read more, and to join in!

The Bull By The Balls: A Taurus And Scorpio Love Story For Everyone

Above is a detail from a sculpture at the British Museum, depicting the legend of Mithras, who was the object of a Mystery Religion found throughout the ancient Roman world. In this legend, Mithras is frequently depicted killing a bull, and (in most cases)a scorpion is attacking the bull's cojones.

There are lots of places you can read up on the astronomical/seasonal significance of this central image of Mithraism. As an astrologer though, I have my own observations:

-It has been my experience that the upside of the legendary Taurus stubbornness is, literally, a refusal to die easily.

-Taurus and Scorpio are naturally drawn to each other, maybe more than most oppositions. Although one could make a case for that being because the signs are ruled by Venus and Mars, personally I think it's because both signs secretly love a challenge... frequently while they're complaining about how much they hate the challenge.

-Scorpios aren't afraid to go for the groin shot when it's going to score points.

Finally, and most importantly: those who seek True Love (or those who have It find Them) had better leave all their preconceptions at the door. You have some preconceptions about what sign he/she is, or his/her Moon sign, appearance, location, ethnicity, marital status, age, shoe size? Best give all those notions up now. When it hits, it hits.

And sometimes, if we focus on our preconceptions instead of what is True, it can be a huge pain in the balls. But it's always worth it.

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If you'd like more information on what a astrological counseling session can do for you, or to inquire about my services, CLICK HERE. If you'd like a FREE (yes, FREE!) one-month customized forecast, send me your date, city, and (if known) time of birth.

Hiring An Astrologer, Tiberius Style

I've been asked a few times recently as to how one can go about choosing a good, reputable astrologer. There is the usual advice, of course: ask others who have seen him/her, don't be afraid to ask questions about the astrologer's practice before you set up the appointment, and so on.

This isn't so much a problem in places like India, where astrology is a lot more mainstream. Or in a place like Burma, where the astrologers can't make it so you get away with murder... but they can do their best. There's a long history of those in power using astrologers to their benefit. There is, of course, The Reagan's successful use of astrology. My hero, Richard Houck, worked the Washington scene to great effect (and offered a double-your-money-back guarantee!).

(For all you professional astrologers out there, Houck's "The Astrology Of Death" is the greatest, most useful astrology text you've never read.)

The ancient Romans were big fans of astrology too. The Roman emperor Tiberius (Nov 16, 42 BC), who had a Sun-Venus conjunction in Scorpio, went with a slightly different technique when choosing court astrologer Thrasyllus:

"Whenever he (Tiberius) sought counsel on such matters, he would make use of the top of the house and of the confidence of one freedman, quite illiterate and of great physical strength. The man always walked in front of the person whose science Tiberius had determined to test, through an unfrequented and precipitous path (for the house stood on rocks), and then, if any suspicion had arisen of imposture or of trickery, he hurled the astrologer, as he returned, into the sea beneath, that no one might live to betray the secret.

Thrasyllus accordingly was led up the same cliffs, and when he had deeply impressed his questioner by cleverly revealing his imperial destiny and future career, he was asked whether he had also thoroughly ascertained his own horoscope, and the character of that particular year and day. After surveying the positions and relative distances of the stars, he first paused, then trembled, and the longer he gazed, the more was he agitated by amazement and terror, till at last he exclaimed that a perilous and well-nigh fatal crisis impended over him.

Tiberius then embraced him and congratulated him on foreseeing his dangers and on being quite safe. Taking what he had said as an oracle, he retained him in the number of his intimate friends."

-Tacitus, The Annals, Book VI

This underlines two important points: first, that if astrology can forsee disasters, it follows that it can help you at least try to prevent them. And secondly, it's been my experience that astrologers have a much tougher time making sense of their own transits than they do with anyone else's chart (I know I do, anyway)... so even if Thrasyllus was a brilliant astrologer, he was also one lucky bastard that day.

If only I had the nerve to recommend the Tiberius Technique, I might have made enough of an impression that this morning's client wouldn't have cancelled on me at the last minute. Also, given that even a very good professional at anything can have a bad day, I probably wouldn't be here to offer this advice.

But of course... there are worse things than being broke...

What If A Thousand Sagittariuses With Moon In Scorpio Made A Buddy Movie?

You'd get (by my count) 281 obscenities. By the way, you shouldn't watch this at work. Or around the kids. Better mute your computer just to be safe...

A Visit From The Scorpio Fairy

I was at home a few evenings ago doing the usual -- ignoring both housework and my astrology blog -- when the room was filled with a flash of light and a cloud of graveyard-dark smoke.

I had been visited by The Scorpio Fairy.

"Do I get three wishes?" was my first response. As an astrologer, it's never wise to pass up an opportunity for a free meal.

"Yes, in a sense" The Scorpio Fairy said. "I'm going to give you three gifts that I have chosen for you."

"That's kind of controlling of you, isn't it?" I replied.

"Enough with the Scorpio clichés, astrologer boy. You have been one sorry slacker lately, and you need to get up off your ass and do something. You have a purpose here, and you've been terribly lazy about it."

I paused and cast my glance downwards. Even gentle criticism from a Scorpio can be pretty withering. "Okay," I sighed, "you're the boss."

The Scorpio Fairy tapped me on the back of the head with her wand. Instantly, my back stiffened as if my spinal column had been suddenly replaced with a length of steel rebar.

"Your first gift. Fortitude," The Scorpio Fairy announced. "You've become lazy with your profession and with your writing. Always being distracted by other matters."

"Ow. That really hurts." I observed as I tried to move my immobile backbone.

"I'm just getting started." She tapped me with her wand across the eyes. I heard a loud pop, then felt a sharp pain in my eyes. I reached up to check them only to discover that my eyes had been replaced by 75X microscope lenses.

"Gift number two: Focus." The Scorpio Fairy explained. "You always tell your clients to try and break things down into simple, easy, manageable bits. You haven't done that with your life at all, lately, have you?"

"No, not really," I replied, bent over stiffly as I examined the fine weave of the couch fabric magnified 75 times. "I've gotten kind of overwhelmed."

"And it's only made things worse. By losing focus, you go nowhere. Thus, everything becomes a muddle."

I nodded in agreement. "Yes, very wise. Now, about my back and my eyes..."

"My third gift," she interrupted.

I felt the wand tap my nose. I felt myself lurch forward, and (under extreme magnification) saw a greyish, rough surface heading towards my face. I estimated the surface roughness to be equivalent of about a 20-grain grade of sandpaper.

My nose had smacked into a grindstone. The stone began to turn. "Ow. Ow ow ow." I said, or words to that effect.

"Determination!" The Scorpio Fairy proclaimed. "Combined with Fortitude and Focus, these are the keys to making your life a better place, and as a result... the world a better place. You want that, don't you?"

"Yes yes yes yes!" I agreed wholeheartedly.

She left me there for several minutes (just to make sure the lesson had sunk in) and then, with a wave of her wand, I was returned to normal.

"Now," she said, "you're not going to make me have to do that again some time, are you?"

"No ma'am," I replied immediately, rubbing my nose and blinking my restored eyes.

She stepped a little closer. Her expression softened and she looked me in the eyes, imploringly. Her voice grew sweet.

"Besides, sugar," The Scorpio Fairy said, "Saturn's still in Leo, along with the Sun now. Neptune and Chiron are taking forever to get out of Aquarius. With Mars in Taurus these days I'm feeling surrounded, and so are a lot of my people. We need you. Now get to work."

She leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek, flashing me a bit of cleavage before she vanished in a puff of smoke.

Bloody Scorpios. They're so persuasive.

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