Monday, June 29, 2009

Pisces: ShamWow Of The Zodiac

Hi, it’s Vince for Pisces! You’ll be saying wow every time you get involved with one! It’s like a chamois! It’s like a towel! It’s like a sponge! Most people just can't soak up this much raw sentiment and guilt! Pisces holds twenty times its weight in tears. Look at this! (wrings Pisces out over a bucket labelled "Early Childhood Trauma") It just does the work!

Why would you want to work twice as hard, emotionally? You have issues? Pisces will soak 'em up. You can make it feel like it's all Pisces' fault, and Pisces wrings out good as new. (Bashes Pisces flat against the counter-top) Look at that! Completely dry and ready for more of the same!

Here’s some cola, anger, wine, infidelity, coffee, accusations, and pet stains. Whatever you bring home, Pisces will mop it up and come back for more. Take a Pisces home with you tonight! Marry one! Better yet: get one for your home, and keep one the side at the office. They'll both blame themselves for your bad behavior! You following me, camera guy? No other sign's gonna put up with your crap quite like that! Look! I just blamed my drug habit on Pisces... and Pisces takes it! And look, Pisces is still empathizing! It acts like a vacuum! And yet Pisces still thinks I'm cute! See what I’m telling ya?

Pisces! You’ll be saying: make mine Fishy!

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Venus And Mars Conjunct In Taurus, Square Jupiter And Neptune: The Movie!

It's all there: sex, love, rebellion, sex, rebellion, love, sex... and, um, the sinister preachings of the Communist Puppet??


Saturday, June 27, 2009

The Gemini Lesson, Presented In T-Shirt Form

I've spent a lot of time wandering around outside this weekend, due to a combination of excellent weather and restlessness, and for most of that time I've worn the same t-shirt. It's easily my finest German Industrial Metal t-shirt, featuring KMFDM'S "Godlike" (as shown above). And on the back, in big white letters, it says "I WILL PRAY!"

Canadians, being a fairly friendly lot, have been saying "hi" to me on the street a little more than usual. And often their reactions to me seem to be based on whether they approach me from the front or the back. People approaching me from the front seem to be commenting to me based on the assumption that I'm some sort of head-banging troublemaker with a taste for agitated music and social commentary. Those who approach me from behind (and who are confronted with "I WILL PRAY!") seem to be the more Spiritual/New Age-y/Good Christian Folks who assume that I am a fellow traveller in the ways of the Spirit. Those who approach me from the side just see the length of my hair, assume I'm some sort of hippie, and ask me if I know where I can buy some weed.

None of these people, of course, realize I am all of those things and more. If you find yourself really drawn to one of those things, you'd risk being tripped up and disappointed when you discovered one of those other sides.

I suspect there's a lesson about Geminis in all this, somehow.

Anyway, back to my weekend. For your enlightenment and entertainment, here are my Gemini files. Enjoy 'em twice!


Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael Jackson And The Astrology Of Death

Most astrologers will tell you that it's a bad idea to look at such notions as death in a birth chart. And those astrologers make some excellent points. Then again, that's never stopped me from looking at the issue, such as with my blog entries about Natasha Richardson and Isaac Hayes, especially when their transits show such classic signs.

(This of course is also my chance to gently cajole you, if you are a professional astrologer yourself and not afraid of hard technicalities, to buy and absorb "The Astrology Of Death," written by the late great Richard "I died when I said I would" Houck.)

Word has just arrived about the death of pop hypermegastar/possible child molester/uber-weirdo Michael Jackson of a heart attack today in Los Angeles. And even at a cursory glance, there are some very distinct signs that, if MJ had consulted a knowledgeable astrologer, a warning could have been delivered. How much good that warning would have done, however, is another question...

Before we get into the details, a warning: the time of birth I'm using is from a generally-accepted rectification. One always needs to be cautious with these things, but from what I can see (and what I know about Michael Jackson) it looks accurate.

The big warning signs I'm seeing:

-Saturn opposing the natal Moon and squaring natal Saturn: never a good time. I know Jackson had recently announced a tour to help pay some bills, and I personally always thought he hated the idea. That's the sort of thing that is hard on a heart... both the situation, and the Saturn transit.

-The two pre-natal eclipse points (PNEs) in MJ's birth chart are at 3'26" Libra and 17'30" Aries. PNE's in a birth chart are easy to forget to look at, even for a thorough astrologer, but they have their place, especially in matters of death. Were there any aspects by transit to those points at time of death?
  • The last lunar eclipse (and Pluto) both closely squared the Libra point.
  • As of the eclipse, transiting Saturn quincunxed the Aries PNE, and Venus and Mars semi-sextiled it. Either one of these (relatively minor) aspects might not have grabbed my attention individually, but together they seem to demand attention.
Finally, the most telling aspects are complex and difficult to explain here (actually they aren't but it would take a book. And that book would be "The Astrology Of Death" by Richard Houck. Have I mentioned that book yet?) but if you like you can work out this Astrology Of Death technique for yourself.

1) Convert the chart to Vedic (Sidereal, whole-sign houses.)
2) Note the rulers of the 2nd and 7th Houses... in MJ's case, Venus and Mars (again: rectification warning here!)
3) Check the transits to those planets by both transiting planets and planets transiting those points by Tertiary Progression (not secondary progression).

Let me tell you... in Michael Jackson's case, the results are pretty spooky. Don't take my word for it: work it out for yourself.

Also, if you love someone... maybe now would be a good idea to let them know.

(Discounts on consultations? Click HERE for details.  In San Francisco on Saturday, June 26? Come and see me HERE for post-eclipse advice!)

Both Sides Of The Issue: Your Gemini Love Quotes Of The Day

"I think it would be much better for the country and for him personally (to resign)..."
"If you had a chairman or president in the business world facing these allegations, he'd be gone."
"I think what he did in this matter was reprehensible... I feel very comfortable with my vote."

-South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, on his reasons for supporting the impeachment of Bill Clinton in the Monica Lewinsky affair.

“I’m committed to getting my heart right"
"I apologize to the people of South Carolina. There are many people out there right now who are hurt, angry and disappointed with me, and rightfully so. Over the time that I have left in office, I'm going to devote my energy to building back the trust the people of this state have placed in me”

-South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, after being busted sneaking out of the country (without his wife's knowledge) to go hang out with his Argentinian girlfriend.

Discount Capricorn Humor!

Hello Capricorn. I figured that since Saturn in Virgo is all nice and trine to Venus and Mars in Taurus, this ought to be a reasonably good time for you -- or so I figure. Of course, there's always a Capricorn ready, willing and able to pop up and volunteer that things are quite unpleasant, actually or maybe it's okay but my back hurts or something like that. This is why I love Goat People: they're so consistent.

For you Capricorns who are having trouble exploiting these solid transits (curse that New Moon opposing Pluto!), here's a little humor to lighten the day. You'd be pleased: since it's an old joke I re-wrote for you, I got a discount!


An old Capricorn and his wife are at the County Fair. There's a barn-storming pilot there with an old-school biplane, offering rides for twenty dollars. The Capricorn stands there and spends a long time looking at the plane and is clearly interested. The pilot notices this and approaches him about it.

"I'd love to," says the Capricorn, "but $20 seems pretty expensive."

"Tell you what," the pilot says. "If you and your wife can keep quiet for the entire flight, it's free. But if I hear one single noise out of you, it's double the cost."

"Deal!" says the Capricorn.

The pilot gets into the plane, and Capricorn and his wife get into the back seat.

The pilot takes off. He does insane barrel rolls and dives and loops and flies through an open barn and generally flies like a maniac, upside down and all over the place, all the while listening for a sound from the back of the plane. But he hears nothing.

Finally the pilot lands and gets out of the plane. The Capricorn approaches him and the pilot says, "Well, I've got to hand it to you: I didn't hear a thing. Congratulations... that ride was free."

"Thanks," says the Capricorn. "Of course, I almost said something when my wife fell out..."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Venus and Mars in Taurus, Saturn in Virgo: Twitter Updates

Saturn I'm feeling pretty stable today. Then again, I always do.
40 minutes ago from web

Mars Where's this weird urge to go mate coming from?
39 minutes ago from web

Venus @Mars We're in Taurus. And we're conjunct. And you're standing on my foot.
37 minutes ago from web

Mercury @Venus @Mars WTF you two get a room LOL
34 minutes ago from web

Saturn @Venus @Mars You know, today would be an idea day for people to make sexual affirmations. You know, get what they want from who they want.
30 minutes ago from web

Mars Woo hoo! Seduce and destroy!
28 minutes ago from web

Venus @Mars You pig.
26 minutes ago from web

Mars @Venus You like it.
23 minutes ago from web

Chiron @Venus @Mars I'm in a lot of pain today.
22 minutes ago from web

Mars @Chiron STFU!
20 minutes ago from web

Saturn @Venus @Mars Like I was saying: conditions are right for people to make romantic goals solid and practical today.
19 minutes ago from web

Venus @Saturn I like the sound of that.
17 minutes ago from web

Mars @Saturn Good idea! @Venus Let's go for it!
17 minutes ago from web

Jupiter @Venus @Mars @Saturn But here you all are, wasting time on Twitter instead of "gettin' some." Morons.
15 minutes ago from web

Chiron @Venus I really hurt today.
6 minutes ago from web

Mercury RT @Venus RT @Mars RT @Saturn RT @Jupiter STFU CHIRON!!!
2 minutes ago from web

Monday, June 22, 2009

Perez Hilton's Daily Horoscope For June 21, 2009

(Perez was born March 23, 1978, time unknown, Miami, Florida)

Although transiting Mars is quincunxing your natal Pluto, the drunken altercation you may experience with a member of the Black Eyed Peas after an awards ceremony in Toronto may not end in severe injury. In fact, since transiting Jupiter and Neptune are in trine to your natal Jupiter, you may actually find the incident is a valuable source of PR.

However, transiting Mars is also quincunxing your natal Neptune, so make sure you don't hinder your credibility by Twittering about it before you actually call the cops.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

New Moon In Cancer Opposite Pluto In Capricorn

For those of you keeping score, the last time Pluto was in Capricorn was when the American and French Revolutions happened.

Rumor has it that the ghost of Thomas Paine is learning how to sing "Street Fighting Man" in Farsi.

Pray for the people of Iran, friends. Not for Iran itself because by definition, if you choose a nation over a person... you aren't a friend.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

If Letterman Was An Astrologer: Some Jokes About Sarah Palin's Birth Chart

And now, a few reasonably tasteless Sarah Palin jokes, based on her birth chart:


"We still don't have an official time of birth for Sarah Palin, so we can't exactly be sure what she has rising -- other than a few hillbilly libidos."

"Most people who shoot wolves would do it from the ground... Sarah Palin shoots hers from a helicopter. Of course, we all know how stand-offish Mars in Aquarius can be."

"Sarah Palin has a Mars/Saturn conjunction in Aquarius. These people are often drawn to ideas or people from another era. Speaking of which, I hear John McCain is going to run again..."

"Governor Palin has a Jupiter/Neptune quincunx. Some sources say this connection makes her idealistic but impractical. It's sort of a 'Bridge To Nowhere'..."

"Transiting Neptune is currently conjuncting Sarah's Sun, which could tend to make her take foolish offense at the wrong things. In a related development... I wonder who's conjuncting Bristol these days...?"

Monday, June 15, 2009

What "The Age Of Aquarius" May Really Mean


The sweetest sight I've seen in ages: riot cops, running away.

...Among other things, people all over the world can join in helping the people of Iran protest against an unfair, rigged election. If you can't be in Tehran to shout and throw rocks, you can install tools on your computer to help participate in a Distributed Denial Of Service Attack against official government sources, and help keep the lines of communication open to the people on the streets... despite all official efforts to shut them up. Anyone with Internet access can do this.

Even an astrologer.

Oh, and in the event someone from the Iranian government is reading this and has a problem with it? Four words:

Sic semper tyrannus, bitches.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Carrie Prejean, Intolerance, And Your Mother

Normally I try to reserve comment on anything happening in the news amongst the famous without a solid, confirmed time of birth. But even without a time of birth, sometimes something will stand out really clearly. Like the transits being experienced by Carrie Prejean, the Miss California contestant who famously spoke out (half-coherently) against gay marriage and became a temporary icon of the anti-gay-marriage crowd.

Ms. Prejean has been fired, due "solely on contract violations, including Ms. Prejean's unwillingness to make appearances on behalf of the Miss California USA organization."

Apparently it's okay to make gays second-class citizens, but not if you don't show up as scheduled for mall openings and recruitment drives.

Carrie Prejean was born May 13th, 1987 (time unknown) in Vista, California. I wouldn't usually look at career and public issues within the context of a birth chart without a time: those issues belong to the Midheaven, the 10th House, and its ruler, none of which can be determined without the time of birth. What stands out to me as far as the transits she's having is that the current Moon-Neptune conjunction is squaring Carrie's Moon, which is not at all a comfortable thing for one's Moon-based issues.

The Moon in the birth chart can be said to rule a lot of things even if we don't know the house placements. Like, for example... your Mother.

Gee... now all of a sudden that line of Carrie's about " my family, I do believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman" makes perfect psychological sense, doesn't it?

Thank God that's over with. We can get back to life in a world without bigotry. Now if you'll excuse me... some neo-Nazi just shot up the Holocaust Museum in Washington DC. A Love Song For Pluto In Capricorn



Well I married my dream girl,
I married my dream girl

(Ah, the reality kicks in. We all start relationships on an emotional high, but it only serves to cover the flaws. In this case, your Dream Girl isn't going to be of financial benefit to you. Maybe you shouldn't be a husband at all... pimping is probably more your style.)

But she didn't tell me her credit was bad

(Don't you hate the terrible lies that always seem to screw up a relationship? This is why you shouldn't even go on a first date without a background check. Better get a blood panel and DNA test done too before dinner and a movie.)

So now instead of living in a pleasant suburb
We're living in the basement at her
Mom and Dad's

(Now, by "we," do you mean you and her... or you, her, and your apparently unemployed buddies who sit around the in-law's basement singing songs about how your bride has screwed your material ambitions? I'll bet her Mom and Dad are huge fans of the band, shouting requests at you from upstairs. "Now do the one about how she can't cook!")

No we can't get a loan for a respectable home
Just because my girl defaulted
on some old credit card

(That bitch! I'll bet she didn't get breast implants and had that threesome in college just to spite you, too.)

If we'd gone to free credit report dot com
I'd be a happy bachelor with a dog and a yard.

(Dude: there's no reason why you can't be a bachelor right now. As a matter of fact, I'll bet you will be soon enough. Then you and your band can go live in the park, where there are lots of dogs!)

Monday, June 8, 2009

Jupiter Amplifies Neptune: Laura Ling And Euna Lee In A North Korean Prison

There is a perfectly good reason why you won't find a whole lot of astrology articles out there about North Korea, despite their nuke-swinging swagger of late and their arrest of two American journalists.

-No one knows for sure where or when Kim Jong-il was born (Various sources disagree on the year and the place -- it may have been in the Soviet Union).
-North Korea itself has no less that three official birth days: March 1, 1919, August 15, 1945, and September 9, 1948. Even worse: the Rodden database (the gold standard of astrological data) gives September 12th, 1948 as the "date of birth." This would make it a Virgo with Moon in Capricorn... which I can believe, even if there's nothing to back it.
-I can't even find reliable birth data for US journalists Laura Ling and Euna Lee, who were recently sentenced to twelve years hard labor in a North Korean prison for illegally crossing the border from China into North Korea under mysterious circumstances.

North Korea is perhaps the biggest black box in modern political history. I've had a perverse interest in the place for a while now, and take my word for it -- they make Maoist China look like Sweden when it comes to openness and transparency. So, on some level, the secrecy and confusion and misdirection makes perfect sense. So, it's perhaps not surprising that the People's Republic, led by The Dear Leader, is in the news. Jupiter amplifies any planet it comes in contact with, and it's currently conjunct Neptune, easily the weirdest and most delusional planet in the astrological tool kit.

Having said that: I'm at as much of a loss to tell you what's going on as anyone and everyone else on the planet is. And what little I know... as with everyone else... scares the hell out of me.

Happy Jupiter-Neptune conjunction, everyone!