Classic MTA - Miss Crabtree's Old-Fashioned Grade Six Schoolmarm Guide To Cancer Compatibility

(Re-runs are a vital part of the television tradition... not welcome, not well-loved, but apparently an important part of the process. In that spirit, here`s my compatibility series again. Don't worry, the new stuff is coming.)

Hello, children, I'm Miss Crabtree, your Compatibility teacher this semester. We're going to do things a little differently this year. I'm going to be handing out your grades at the start of the class, based on how easy or difficult it's going to be for me to get along with you. Stop fidgeting, Leo! You can bring your mark up with hard work. I'm not going to just hand any of you a passing grade. Okay... I just did that with most of you. Spit that gum out, Capricorn! I'm sure I'll enjoy this experience with all of you though, and so will you. Otherwise, you can take your sass to the Principal's office.

Scorpio and Pisces: You pay attention in class and work well with me. Scorpio, you have a real tenacity that I appreciate, especially when it comes to me. Excellent note-taking. Watch the frustration with the tougher tests, though. And Pisces, you are just so sweet! Always a joy to have in class. Try to borrow some of Scorpio's focus though, would you? Your attention is drifting too much. A+

Taurus and Virgo: You're both solid, determined and reliable. You always get to class on time. Taurus, I really like your affection and sensuality, but your stubborn resistance to learning new material lost you a mark. Try harder. Virgo: nice job of showing all your work on the test papers. But could you please try to look like you're enjoying being here more than you do? More enthusiasm, please. A

Capricorn: You're a good solid student. My only problem is that this is Relationship class. Close your History text... I know there's a test in an hour, but your eyes are supposed to be on me now. Me. Less seriousness, more involvement here please. B+

Leo: Honestly, I don't understand why you're here at all. You never focus, you're always clowning around, and it's very distracting. Good thing for you we find each other inexplicably adorable. Should I spell "inexplicable" for you? Your spelling is criminally sloppy. B

Gemini: Improvement needed. Your brightness always contributes to the class, but I have this strange insecure feeling you're always looking out the window at the playground when my back is turned. And sit up straight! And turn off the IPod when I'm talking to you! C+

Sagittarius: You walk in here like you're the teacher. Well... you aren't. I am. Quit grinning at me like that! Are you taking this seriously? You're always fun to have around at recess, though. It's too bad that "recess" doesn't count for any of your final mark. C-

Aquarius: Listen, Aquarius. This is an elective course. Quit acting like you're here because of a court order! You look like you're taking notes, but with that shiny new laptop of yours, you could just as easily be playing games on there. Have you heard a single thing I've said here? C-

Cancer: I'm too defensive? No, you're too defensive! I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall with you sometimes. What do you mean, "I'm the brick wall?" That does it. Go to the Principal's office. There's only room enough here for my crabbiness. D

Aries: Aries? Aries? Has anyone here seen Aries today? Oh, there you are out on the playground. Aries, get in here!! Yes, it's time for Relationship class. No, you're watch isn't right, mine is. It's not time for PE. What? What did you just call me, you little...? D

Libra: You're so sweet, and you normally excel at this class. Bringing me the apple was a nice touch. But when I correct you, that's no excuse for a crying jag that disrupts the entire class. And no I'm not an "insensitive jerk" with you, Libra. Yes, I saw that note you passed Aquarius! You're normally so good at this class, but I'm not seeing any proof of effort on your part at all. I require effort! F

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THIS JUST IN: A Male Astrologer Finds Jessica Simpson Attractive (Also: Weight-Loss Tips)

I was in the middle of my usual exercise routine (which consists of surfing the Net while lifting a slice of pizza) when I came upon this article about how the "fashionistas" are picking on Jessica Simpson because of her recent weight gain.

(Fashionistas, for the record, are apparently citizens of the country of Fashionistan, where no one is allowed to look at real women, ever.)

Jessica has apparently "ballooned" all the way up to a size twelve, from her size one a few years ago. For those of you unfamiliar with how American dress sizes work, it's like this: an average healthy adult woman is usually anywhere from a size five to a size sixteen. By way of comparison, if you visit your nearest Chinatown, you'll probably find a shop where the ducks have been hanging in the window too long, until they've become an orange jerky-like substance. Those ducks are a size one.

Just as astrology can be applied to almost everything in life, it can be of tremendous use when trying to lose weight. I've never had a client come to me exclusively for help with this, but the matter comes up surprisingly often in consultations. Although the details will be individual to every person, there are a number of astrological guidelines that generally apply.

First of all, forget about your Sun Sign. Although it can be an influence, I've seen too many chubby Aries and slim Tauruses and such to know that the Sun Sign should be, if not the last place to look, then low on the list. Unless, of course, you have Leo Rising or Leo on the sixth house cusp, which your Sun would rule.

Your Moon is a much more reliable indicator as to body weight. Even so, one should be cautious of too many generalizations. In other words, if you have Moon in Pisces (for example) you aren't automatically prone to emotional overeating. Depending on the aspects to your moon, that placement could just as easily lead to emotional under-eating.

A more reliable indicator of weight is the Ascendant: its sign placement, planets aspecting it, and the condition and placement of the planet ruling it. The Ascendant also rules your general appearance, posture, coloring, and a lot of other things people don't like about themselves that they can't change.

The most important thing to keep in mind when trying to lose weight with astrology is not so much the birth chart, as the planetary transits happening to it at any given time. Even a perfect diet and exercise routine (if there were such things) could go wrong if you started them at the wrong time.

The best time to start a weight loss routine is when Mars is transiting either the First or Sixth House of your birth chart. The First House starts at your Ascendant, and the Sixth House (which rules diet, health, and routines) is almost on the opposite side of your chart from the First House. Since Mars makes it around the Zodiac in about 18 months, this means that, most of the time, your "diet transits" can last for at least a month and a half. For most people's purposes, that's more than enough time to get a new habit ingrained.

Weight loss is also often the surprisingly good side of a Saturn transit. A supportive aspect to the Ascendant and/or Sixth House ruler can be of tremendous help when it comes to applying self discipline, and an aspect to your natal Venus or Jupiter can curb impulsive eating, overeating, or your fondness for snacks.

An astrologer who knows what they're doing can help you time when to commence a new diet and/or exercise regimen, and can help you understand what factors in your birth chart are helping or hurting the situation.

Perhaps the single most important thing to keep in mind is this: On the one hand, the fashion industry has dictated for about the last fifty years or so that "underfed" is a good look. On the other hand, biology has dictated for about the last million years that having a little "excess" weight is an attractive thing. It indicates good health, a plentiful supply of resources, and the means to bear and raise children (in the area of extra boob and bum matter).

And besides, if most straight males are honest with you about it, they'd prefer a woman with a little excess weight over one who's underweight. Unless of course you're trying to catch a man who takes all his advice from fashion magazines... in which case, your relationship may have much larger problems than just your dress size...

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Classic MTA - Should I Stay Or Should I Go? The Gemini Guide To Compatibility

(Re-runs are a vital part of the television tradition... not welcome, not well-loved, but apparently an important part of the process. In that spirit, here`s my compatibility series again. Don't worry, the new stuff is coming.)

Welcome back to the exciting final round of "Should I Stay, Or Should I Go?"

Today's contestant, Gemini, is on the verge of walking away with the Grand Prize... true love! Now Gemini, all you have to do is answer one question correctly. The cash value of the question represents the degree of difficulty involved. Naturally, you might want to pick an easier Sign... but playing it safe all the time didn't get you as far as it has.

LIBRA ($200): If someone wants to go the same direction you want to go, but you're always going in two different directions at once, can they keep up?

AQUARIUS ($200): There's no question that you can be cool and dispassionate when you want to, knowing your partner will appreciate the affection when it comes later. But what if your partner has a chill schedule of his/her own?

ARIES ($400): If a train leaves Chicago traveling east at 50 miles per hours, and you want to go west, are you going to end up under this train instead of on it?

LEO ($400): If fun and passionate meet materialistic and possessive in a dark back alley, who will win the knife fight? And are you the darkened back alley?

SAGITTARIUS ($400): If two freedom fighters team up, and one of them changes flags every other day, how long until the two freedom fighters end up shooting each other, even by accident?

GEMINI ($600): If two people manage to travel in four directions at once, will either of them end up getting anywhere together, or everywhere?

VIRGO ($600): Emotionally, is X greater than Y, if Y equals Virgo? Solve for X. Having fun yet? Didn't think so. It's supposed to be a romance, not a math problem.

TAURUS ($800): If slow and steady wins the race, will you get tired of the prize and want to take up poker before you get to the finish line if you're riding a Bull?

CAPRICORN ($800): If a hot air balloon has a relative weight of -50 pounds, how many boulders will a Capricorn pile on to ground it until the balloon turns into just an empty bag that doesn't fly?

CANCER ($800): Which lasts longer: Cancer's ability to dive deep into the dark waters of over-emotionality, or your ability to hold your breath while they drag you down with them?

SCORPIO ($1000): How many times per day do you need to be told to mentally and verbally "get to the point" before you trade in your honeymoon tickets to Hawaii for a bus ticket to Anywhere But Here?

PISCES ($1000): (Two part question) 1) A bird may love a fish, but where would they live? 2) How long will it take two birds to either eat two fish, or drown?

Go ahead, Gemini... pick a Grand Prize question. Or. if you prefer, just spin the wheel. That approach seems to work for you too...

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Classic MTA - Sowing The Seeds Of Love: The Taurus Guide To Compatibility

(Re-runs are a vital part of the television tradition... not welcome, not well-loved, but apparently an important part of the process. In that spirit, here`s my compatibility series again. Don't worry, the new stuff is coming.)

A Taurus, whether a man or a woman, has a reputation for not rushing into things. Of course when the heart calls, a Taurus responds just as quickly as anyone else. But how to nurture that relationship properly, and how to tell what kind of an emotional investment you've made? Will it be delicious, beautiful... or just a weed?

Here's a handy guide to your relationships, Taurus, based on how much work you'll have to put into them. Even the hardiest perrenials need some tending, and even the most difficult patch of soil can be made to sprout something beautiful. But some of those patches of soil are a lot easier to work than others...

RICH, DARK SOIL: The other Earth signs (Virgo and Capricorn), Cancer, and Pisces. These spots in the garden aren't going to need a lot of tending. Rich in emotion, yet cautious like yourself. A good long-term investment of your time and energy. Virgo may not always show as much blossom as you like, Capricorn sometimes has trouble taking root deeply, and Pisces tends to wander all over like a vine. Cancer has good tenacity, but needs encouragement to sprout.

FERTILE, BUT REQUIRES A LOT OF TENDING: Another Taurus or Scorpio. You'll probably have fun with these, but they're going to take more work than the average. Another Taurus may sound like a natural, but they can be as stubborn as you, and do you need more of that? Scorpio brings some dynamic blooms, but you may find it leeches too many nutrients from your soil.

SHADY, REQUIRES EXTRA FERTILIZER: Libra and Sagittarius. Like you, Libra is a Venus-ruled sign. This should make the two of you perfect, but Libra needs more attention than you might be ready to give it. As for Sagittarius: it's not the sort of thing you'd ever actually plan on planting, on the face of it... but it seems to work anyway. Bright foliage makes up for all the weeding and wandering into the neighbor's plot.

REQUIRES INTENSIVE WATERING: Aries and Gemini. These astrological neighbors can be appealing, but take a lot more work than most for you to maintain. Aries is always looking for a hotter climate to sprout in, and Gemini puts down its roots where you want them to go... and everywhere else, too. Neither one takes well to being pruned.

A TOUGH ROW TO HOE: Leo and Aquarius. Leo can make a flamboyant centerpiece to any garden. It's just that their wild impulsive growth spurts make them hard to manage, and the huge blooms distract from why you wanted a garden in the first place. Aquarius, like you, grows at its own pace, but you may end up accidentally fertilizing it to death trying to make it grow your way... something Aquarius just won't do.

No matter what relationship you find yourself in, there will be work. And there will be rewards. And as these things go, Taurus, some clichés are true. In romance, you really do have a green thumb!

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The Gentle Charms Of Mars In Taurus: A Conversation With Christian Bale

(Scheduling note: I had originally intended this blog entry to feature a discussion about the nature of Mars in Taurus with actor Christian Bale (born January 30th 1974, time unknown, in Pembrokeshire, Wales, UK). His recent successes have brought new found attention to him, and his Mars in Taurus is fairly strongly plugged in.

I thought he'd be the ideal choice to discuss this placement with. Unfortunately, Chris was unable to attend in person, so I have had to substitute remarks he made on the set of his upcoming film "Terminator: Salvation" to Director of Photography Shane Hurlbut. I'm sure Mr. Bale won't mind. He seems like a sweetheart.)

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MTA: Mars in Taurus has an unfortunate reputation. Being opposite one of the signs it traditionally rules (Scorpio), it is considered to be "debilitated." Personally, I don't believe this is an entirely fair characterization.

CB: What the f--k is it with you? What don't you f--king understand?

MTA: Mars in Taurus can be a very sensual, affectionate placement -- always ready to heap plenty of attention on friends, loved ones, and co-workers. I've learned this through years of observation.

CB: Well, somebody should be f--king watching and keeping an eye on him.

MTA: Mars in Taurus also has a reputation for a "slow and steady" approach to work and to difficult tasks.

CB: Let's not take a f--king minute, let's go again.

MTA: These people are hard-working, determined, and often excel in whatever career path they find themselves on... whether self-employed or working with others.

CB: Am I going to walk around and rip your f--king lights down, in the middle of a scene? Then why the f--k are you walking right through? Ah-da-da-dah, like this in the background. What the f--k is it with you? What don't you f--king understand? You got any f--king idea about... hey, it's f--king distracting having somebody walking up behind Bryce in the middle of the f--king scene? Give me a f--king answer! What don't you get about it?

MTA: Although generally slow to anger, people with Mars in Taurus --

CB: I'm going to go... Do you want me to f--king go trash your lights? Do you want me to f--king trash 'em? Then why are you trashing my scene?

MTA: -- do have a temper, and when provoked it can be --

CB: Stay off the f--king set man. For f--k's sake.

MTA: -- difficult for others --

CB: I'm going to f--king kick your f--king ass if you don't shut up for a second! All right?

MTA: -- to manage. Fortunately, it usually takes a lot to bring this out of them.

CB: Seriously, man: you and me, we're f--king done, professionally.

MTA: When it comes to their love lives, people with Mars in Taurus can be deeply caring and affectionate, with a strong sex drive.

CB: Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was f--king good, because it's useless now, isn't it?

MTA: In conclusion, it's unfair to characterize Mars in Taurus as a "difficult" placement. As will all astrological factors, it comes with good and bad. properly managed, a relationship of any kind with a person who has Mars in Taurus can be a rewarding, satisfying experience. And thank you for joining us today, Mr. Bale.

CB: You do it one more f--king time and I ain't walking on this set if you're still hired. I'm f--king serious. You're a nice guy. You're a nice guy, but that don't f--king cut it when you're f--king around like this.

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The Amazing Surprise Economic Turnaround Astrology Experiment continues! Click here to read more, and to join in!

Some Things To NOT Expect From Jupiter In Aquarius

Sure. We let 'em onto our planet, and the first thing they do is run out and get driver's licenses.

-The world will NOT suddenly recognize that the business of a government is not "business," but is in fact caring for the well being of its citizens.

BUT governments around the world are putting aside the laissez-faire philosophy that got us into the current economic mess and are getting back to the notion that money is meant to be spent on people, not on more money.

-Technological advances will NOT suddenly enable you to live an extra 200 years, and The Internet will not suddenly spring to life, Terminator-style,

BUT the US switchover to digital-only TV (originally scheduled for February this year) has been rescheduled for July 1st... during a close Jupiter-Neptune conjunction. Translation: despite plenty of advance notice, the process is likely to be a confused mess, somehow.

-We will NOT be contacted by a benevolent species of extraterrestrial life who will give us the technology and the wisdom to bail our pathetic monkey asses out of the mess we've made of ourselves and the planet.

BUT you can expect more signs of life on Mars, like the recently uncovered mystery of the Red Planet's methane levels, which peak in the summer... like it was being produced by life...

The governments of the world will NOT suddenly stop and realize that, more often than not, killing your enemies doesn't actually get rid of your enemies.

BUT it appears the Israelis have stopped attacking the Gaza. Mostly.

So: I remain optimistic.

One sign that there will be at least some change because of Jupiter in Aquarius: after two years of blogging, I'm finally using this video. Forgive me.

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Hi Everyone!

For those of you who have been reading my blog for a while, you've noticed the lack of new material. I hope to begin correcting this soon.

For those of you new here... particularly if you are dropping because you found my work (like "The Daily Sky") on Sasstrology.com... have a look around. I hope you'll like what you see. I am also available for consultations... have a look along the right side of this page for the link to my e-mail address.

Have fun, and I hope to see more of you here in future.

Now, for those of you who enjoy their astrology served with a thick topping of cheese...

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