Monday, August 4, 2008

December 21, 2012: The Day The World WON'T End

According to many, the world is going to end on December 21, 2012. This is when the Mayan calendar comes to an end. Personally, I always thought the Mayan Calendar came to an end at that point because the Mayans weren't planning on going to anyone's birthday party or attending any business meetings hundreds of years after the collapse of their society, but I could be wrong. And many New Age-y types have decided that this is when civilization is going to collapse, because that's when Nibiru comes back.

"Nibiru comes back?" The miniskirt making a comeback, sure. But what the hell is "Nibiru"?

According to Zecharia Sitchin, who claims to be an expert in Ancient Sumerian studies (but got his degree in Economic History), Nibiru is a giant planet, the size of Jupiter or larger, on an eccentric orbit that brings it into the inner Solar System about once every 3600 years or so. His decoding of ancient Sumerian and Mayan texts apparently confirm this. The story is that Nibiru will be returning soon... making its closest approach to Earth on December 21, 2012.

Those ancient Sumerians and Mayans... they couldn't hold their empires together, but apparently they were waaaay better astronomers than we are.

I'm not fluent in Mayan or Sumerian, so I have no place criticizing Sitchin's archaeology. But others have, and there is a fairly exhaustive rundown of Sitchin's errors here. But astronomy and astrophysics? Those are subjects I do know a little about. And I can tell you with great confidence that THERE ARE NO GIANT RAMPAGING PLANETS OUT THERE COMING TO EAT YOU. Honest.

Consider this: everything with mass in the universe has a gravitational field. The greater the mass, the stronger the field. That's why apples fall to Earth, and why the Earth doesn't fall towards apples. The Earth orbits the Sun. If the Earth were travelling faster, it would achieve "escape velocity": the speed needed to fly away from the Sun and off into the Cosmos. If the earth were to slow down, it would fall into the Sun. Every planet in the solar system has a gravitational effect on every other planet, though (relative to the huge mass of the Sun) the pull that, say, Neptune has on Venus is pretty weak.

Put another way: when you were born, the mass of the obstetrician had slightly more influence on you than the planet Mars did... but slightly less than that of Jupiter, the largest planet in our solar system.

If two bodies of sufficient mass pass close enough to each other, they will have an effect on each others orbits around the Sun. Many asteroids have had their orbits affected by the occasional(relatively) close brush with Jupiter: picking up speed and moving out into more distant, less circular orbits around the Sun as a result.

Even though Niburu has such a long orbit, given the age of the Solar System (about 4.5 billion years), it would have passed by Earth (and all the other planets) about one and a quarter million times in the life of the Solar System. And yet despite all these close brushes with a giant planet, Mercury through Neptune remain in relatively stable, circular orbits. The odds of that being the case with a Niburu whipping through the neighborhood that many times is comparable to the odds of making your first break in a game of pool by throwing a bowling ball onto the table... and having all the pool balls drift elegantly back into their original triangular configuration. Try it sometime... with someone else's pool table, ideally.

Furthermore... you'd think that with something that big in our own Solar System, there would be some kind of observational clues... after all, we found Pluto, and it's a tiny, insignificant little thing compared to Uranus and Neptune. Uranus, in turn, is much smaller than Nibiru allegedly is; and Uranus was discovered in the 1700s. As far as observational data for Nibiru: there was a misidentified sighting of a distant galaxy by the IRAS satellite in 1984 that has gotten a lot of coverage as being "Nibiru," and the occasional misidentified sun dog.

The primary reason all of this bothers me... other than it being a sign of how damned bad public education really is these days... is that there seem to be a lot of people out there exploiting the fear of Nibiru Doom for profit.

Like these people. Or these people. Or this guy. But most of all: THIS guy.

And regardless of which religious tradition one follows, or which ancient texts on bases one's beliefs on... most faiths agree that hoodwinking the gullible for profit is a bad thing. And I agree.

So: no need to panic. The only threat to the world in 2012... or now... is human nature itself.

Okay, in light of that... maybe you can panic a little.


.


.

The Beijing Olympics: Bad Timing



I'm not normally a big sports fan. Whenever I pay attention to these things, it's usually because of a scandal, or (as so many fans of auto racing are accused of) I'm just waiting to see if something disastrous happens.

That's why I'm going to be paying close attention to the upcoming Beijing Olympics.

The People's Republic Of China was born October 1, 1949 in a ceremony (according to Nick Campion) at 3:15 PM. Although these things are often tricky to determine, my reading and photos of the event seem to back that time of day. The Beijing Olympics are scheduled to begin with a ceremony scheduled for 8/08/2008 at 8:08 PM local time (any numerologists out there?).

In my time as an astrologer I've often been asked for the best date and time to commence an important venture. And, had China walked into a consultation with me a few years ago (which would require a much larger office on my part) about the timing of the Olympics... well, China has a reputation for volatile, so I would have quietly suggested going for another Olympics (2016 could be great!) and then subtly changed the subject to how great China was looking that day.

The chart for the opening ceremony, which according to astrological theory will set the tone for the entire Games, is a mess. A Mars/Uranus opposition in the 7th and 1st houses respectively, and Saturn smack on the 7th House cusp, ruling relationships (that is, with other countries), are not happy placements. On the other hand, an okay-aspected Jupiter in the 11th is good for Love Received. But with the Sun, Mercury, nodes, and Neptune all in the 6th and 12th Houses, I'm not optimistic about the overall outcome.

Consider, for example, the Sun, Mercury and Nodes in the 6th. The Sixth House is associated with health, the Sun and Nodes are malefics (at least in the Vedic system, and often pan out that way from the Western perspective too), and Mercury rules (among other things) respiration.

And the skies over Beijing are hot and dirty, and not the usual kind of "hot and dirty" I usually look for on the Internet either.

Furthermore, the chart for the Olympic Games doesn't work very well with China's birth chart either. A transiting Sun/South Node conjunction in China's 7th House is conjuncting China's natal Mars/Pluto conjunction there. The Seventh House usually represents marriages or major partnerships. In the birth chart of a nation, it means relations with the neighbors and with other nations.

Ask a Tibetan some time about how much fun it is to be "married" to the People's Republic Of China.

Also, transiting Jupiter is quincunxing that conjunction, and Neptune is opposing it. And China's natal Moon is untouched by any transits, except for a weak quincunx from Saturn.

So, my prediction? These Olympic Games could be the most entertaining yet. Not in the way sports fans would like it to be, though. But for jerks like me with a burn-on for totalitarian regimes? Oh yeah. There will be entertainment aplenty.

NEXT TIME: I confidently announce the date that the world DEFINITELY WON'T end on. Again.


Friday, August 1, 2008

Welcome To MY Astrology Zone (With Apologies To Astrologyzone.com)

Hello everyone. I'm Matthew the Astrologer, and I'm back.

I won't bore you with the details, but the planetary transits I've gone through the last few months have been... well, certainly no worse than some you may have seen in past. The point here is that I survived them, just like you survived. Or might be surviving bad times right now. As a professional astrologer I'm no more immune to these things than anyone else.

Today's astrology lesson: I made it. You'll make it too.

So have a look around at the stuff I have here. Among other things, you'll find my Compatibility Guides for each sign, a description of what an astrologer can do for you, and a few tidbits of humour amongst the cosmic wisdom. And if you have any questions, please send 'em... you just might get answers.

Oh... one more thing that's back? Freebies!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Valoween: A Very Pluto Valentine's Day

First, please read this bit of foolery from that other blog I do sometimes.

Now: there is absolutely nothing cuddly at all about today's Valentine's Day chart. If anything I think a lot of you out there, on one level or another, are likely to have a weird sense around today's traditional card and small gift/lack of card and/or lack of small gift (check whichever applies).

Maybe it's just Pluto, freshly into Capricorn. I've deliberately avoided reading anyone else's commentary on it, so forgive me if I've missed the consensus (if any) on the years we face ahead. I could say at this point "I think it has something to do with personal relationships" and that would be waaay too lame and vague. But I do think that is part of it, and I can't help but notice that on Valetine's Day today, Pluto stands on the threshold of new territory, with only a weak trine from Saturn to encourage it along.

Saturn, retrograde, in Virgo... grinding closer to the exact trine with Pluto. Picture an old man behind the wheel of a large car, backing into a tight parking space in a busy mall parking lot on Saturday. Kid's Day. And some of the kids are wearing explosives because it's also "International Revolutionary Appreciation Day" with the Sun and Neptune and the North Node all piled up in Aquarius.

You know something's gonna happen.

Besides... the bad days are just potholes on the road to where you're supposed to be... and that's probably a happier, saner place than you may have imagined. Maybe even today.

.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

My Binge With Britney: One More Round Of Crazy As Pluto Leaves Sagittarius

(SCENE: The Rogue Celebrity Containment Facility in Los Alamos. BRITNEY SPEARS sits on the edge of her bed. On the couch next to it is MATTHEW THE ASTROLOGER, with a tape recorder running next to him)

M: I'm here to formally apologize to you, Ms. Spears.

B: Yeah. You know, I was kinda hurt by everything that has happened to me the last few months, but you failing to provide a proper warning about how the custody thing was gonna turn out with my kids.

M: Well, technically, it was you going off the rails afterwards that really blew the deal.

B: But you're an astrologer! You're supposed to see these things coming!

M: I can foresee the patterns... and I did. But I can't think for you. And I'm not perfect. Besides... for better or worse, you were just being yourself. And being yourself, loud and proud, is one of the things a Sag does best. It's why we were born when we were. I know this from personal experience. The others need us to... to...

B: Inspire them with our boundless leaps of faith?

M: I was thinking more along the lines of "serve as a warning." But I like your phrasing better. There's also a certain problem with objectivity. It can happen in any form of counselling. I like you. I think you're a really good person. I genuinely want the best for you. So maybe it blunted my assessment of the situation. Still, going over the stuff I said on my blog, I can still stand by my predictions. I just wish things were better for you. It's been crazy times for me too... believe me.

B: So when is this crap going to end for me? For us?

M: Never, because that's just the kind of people you and I are. But I like to think it'll settle down when Pluto leaves Sagittarius in a few days. My best friend, for example, has Sun and Moon in Sag, and she's up and marrying a guy in Australia she only met less than a month ago.

B: Wow. You mean... sometimes there's a lesson to be had in all this craziness?

M: Yup. Or so I like to think. Speaking of crazy, you know what I've been up to the last four or five months?

B: No, what?

(MATTHEW reaches over to stop the tape recorder)

(Twelve minutes later, recording re-starts)

M: ...So that's why I brought this bottle of Jack Daniels. I figure if I wasn't that much use to you or myself as an astrologer, we can at least commiserate.

B: I have Percocets to go with that!

M: Party on, Brit... party on. (pours the booze into two Styrofoam cups) My buddy's throwing a big party to mark her leaving the continent for good. You gonna come?

B: Will there be designated drivers?

M: A couple of Geminis have volunteered.

B: (Pauses to consider) I'm feeling lucky. Count me in! (pops open pill bottle) Cheers!

.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Astrologers Doing Business In A Manger


(It's Christmas re-run season, and here's mine. See you all in the new year!)


Scene: The Nativity. Caspar, Melchior, and Balthazar gather around the Christ Child. Mary and Joseph listen intently in the background.

Balthazar: ...my major concern with this birth chart is that it shows potential for conflict with authority figures. You might want to teach him to be a little more respectful of Caesar, just to be careful. At least publicly.

Caspar: Don't be silly. He's a revolutionary, and the world needs more of that. This Jupiter/Saturn configuration, though... could be liver trouble.

Melchior: Look at the stare on this kid. He probably has something we haven't even heard of yet, right on the Ascendant.

Caspar: (chuckling) You and your undiscovered planets, Melchior. Seriously.

Balthazar: I think what we're trying to say here , Mr. And Mrs...

(Looks back and forth at Mary and Joseph, who do not respond, but simply smile as if they know something the astrologers don't)

Balthazar: ...um, Carpenter, is that anyone born into this world has to cope with certain inherent limitations. And a birth chart is like a road map to all of life's obstacles. And emotional issues!

Caspar: And medical problems!

Balthazar: So you see, although it does appear that your boy here is, in fact, some sort of a really special person, the indications are of a shortish life span... like maybe 35 years tops. And it's going to be a struggle. Like with authority figures.

Caspar: No real signs of wealth here either. And possible death by piercing or blood loss.

Balthazar: So we really recommend relocating the birth chart. You should consider a move to Gaul, or Germania, or something.

Caspar: His relocated chart to Hispania puts Venus on the Ascendant. He'd be a lot more popular with the girls there.

(Balthazar and Caspar turn to Melchior, who has fallen silent, staring at the baby)

Caspar: Melchior, you've hardly said a word. By this point you've usually told the parents all about the baby's future marriage and food allergies. What's the problem?

Melchior: It's just... the way this kid is looking at me. It's like... it's like He Knows Something that we don't.

(Balthazar and Caspar laugh uproariously)

Balthazar: You're such a cut-up, Melchior. We're the Wise Men. We're astrologers!

(Caspar leans in close to Melchior)

Caspar (whispering): Besides, look around dude. The kid was born with the livestock. Everyone wants to think their baby is the Greatest Thing Ever... but this one is an obvious non-starter.

Balthazar: Sorry folks, we have to move it along here. The Moon's nearly at the Midheaven, and we have a party to work at Herod's.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Feast Of Chiron

I was sitting around last night contemplating my Solar Return chart in the traditional manner -- over a bottle of cheap vodka -- when the door bell rang. A pizza delivery car was idling outside. Not having ordered a pizza, but with a professional astrologer's keen instincts for a free meal, I answered the door. Much to my surprise, the pizza was being delivered by no less than Chiron the Centaur himself.

"This must be an awkward moment for you" Chiron said.

"You're telling me," I replied. "I didn't order a pizza, and I'm broke."

"I didn't mean that. I mean, you've never written about me, ever. And I rarely hear you mention me in your consultations."

I felt myself blush a little, something that doesn't happen much any more. "Well, you know I prefer a more mechanistic approach to my astrology. You know --"

Chiron interrupted. " 'I'll tell you when you get hit by the truck, you figure out how you feel about it.' I know. It's one of your favourite lines."

I set the pizza down on the coffee table. "Look, I realize that the functions you represent are vital to the counselling process. Really, I do. I just have a hard time seeing the practical use of you in a reading. It's not like a nice solid Uranus transit squaring natal Mars screwing up your blood pressure."

"Isn't Sun square Chiron on the Midheaven one of the tighter aspects in your chart?" Chiron asked.

"Yes," I replied. "And that should make me some kind of expert if there was any sort of observable --"

"And aren't you sitting around in the dark, drinking for no obvious reason, feeling all bad about your existence, right before your Solar Return?"

I glanced around. "I just haven't changed the light bulb yet. Honest. So is this what you do now: go around handing out meals people can't afford and didn't ask for?"

Chiron trotted over to the pizza box and opened it. It had extra cheese, which almost managed to obscure the Brussels Sprouts, parsnips, and liverwurst toppings. I cringed.

"No." Chiron replied. "I go around handing out what people really need, emotionally, whether they know it or not. And it's free."

The delivery car horn honked repeatedly. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have a lot of stops to make this evening. I have a bucket of deep-fried childhood memories for a Virgo going cold."

He paused to pat my shoulder reassuringly before he left.

"Just remember: where it Hurts, there is Hope."

The car horn honked impatiently as he left. I looked out the window one last time, and in the dark I was barely able to make out the features of my great-grandfather behind the wheel -- the one I never met, but who nonetheless taught me that no matter how bad life feels at times, things could always be worse.

I sat down and started to eat. It was awful at first, but I soon realized just how hungry I was... and, miraculously, I was hungry for something like this. I contemplated the Human Condition: wounded, struggling things making out way through life causing more injury to ourselves and others, and on occasion -- if we're both wise and lucky -- mopping up more pain than we leave behind. And I thought about another year of more of the same, for me.

And I thought about a malformed and misbegotten thing, half man and half horse, who nonetheless taught The Gods Themselves lessons in healing and nobility.

So, naturally, I danced.